“I Have Sexual Desires And I Am Not A Slut”

Submitted anonymously:

We live in a world today where people still feel shy to go buy a condom, where a woman has to think a thousand times before freely buying a contraceptive pill, where if you get pregnant and you’re not married you’ll have to run to another city to get an abortion or “people” might find out.

People might find out you’re sexually active, that you chose to have sex with a man and even worse, you chose to have sexual desires while you were unmarried. Come on! You’re a woman! You’re not allowed to think like that! All those men walking around flaunting the number of women they’ve been with, is fine, that’s acceptable, they’re men, sex is their thing! But you, woman, having any inclination towards accepting your sexual desires is not right.

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We live in a world today that’s talking about gender equality, sexual education, the fight against AIDS, but this is the same world that denies a woman the right to “want” sex, to express her desires, her wants. It’s a man’s world where porn objectifies women, where we are led to believe by our society, by every other person around us that sex isn’t for a woman’s pleasure, it’s something that satisfies a man and a woman gives into, if not by pressure then just to please the man. Look around and you’ll find a billion examples of this.

How did a woman’s sexual needs become desperation and a man’s their birthright?

I want to live in a world where its fine for me to want an orgasm, I want to live in a world where I can sit on a table with men and women and discuss my sex life if I want to, I want to live in a world where how many men is it okay to sleep with is my prerogative and not anyone else’s’, I want to live in a world where I can carry a condom and ask him if he’ll come home with me.

And no, this does not mean I’m a slut, neither does it make me someone who will sleep with just anybody. I want to live in a world where sex isn’t a power game, where it isn’t about making a man feel happy, where it isn’t an activity that makes him ejaculate. I want to live in a world where I can enjoy sex and say it in just those many words.

I want to live in a world where I have sexual freedom. Do you?

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94 Responses

  1. Indira Mohanty

    I have a bone to pick with the author of this piece. I have a bone to pick with every person who uses the word slut to brand women, however varied that branding may be. I believe even a sex worker should not be called a slut or a whore. Either she was forced into that profession and does not know of a way out. In which case it is cruel inhuman to call her that. Else it is her prerogative just like its mine to sleep with only the men i love. Even the woman who sleeps with every man she comes across, why should she be called a slut .. because she doesnt conform to your standard of morality..??? Remember you dont conform to someone else’s !

    Reply
  2. Ann M

    It’s true our society is repressed when it comes to women and sex. Women have as much sexual desire as men, and making it seem trivial or shameful only makes things worse. People dont realise that these cultural stigmas tht we now blindly follow were probably meant at some point, to prevent a cultural stigma that was prevalent at that point in time. One of the main reasons being unwanted pregnancy. And while propogating sex rights for women is wonderful, I think there should be more of a focus on responsible sex, as opposed to simply the freedom of having sex. For men and women. Sex and sexual encounters do have a degree of danger involved. Education is key! At the right time, propoer sex ed for both boys and girls can bring about the right change.

    Reply
  3. Roshan

    Sorry I tend to differ on the fact of just having sexual freedom with no lines drawn. This tends to go the path of the sexual revolution that happened decades back in France (Google it out) and you’ll realize that was the fundamental reason for the downfall of families, religion and is a reason why many are now walking around with just no purpose.

    Sexual urges is not to be dominated by any one type of sex but it is something that is to be considered as a ‘sacred pleasure’ treated with dignity and within the right boundaries!

    This choice and fight for sexual freedom as you desire is just 1 side of a coin…the other side of the coin are consequences for which later generations would pay severely!

    Reply
  4. Pratishtha

    It’s good to realise that people want to bring the so called’ forbidden’ topics into mainstream conversation but don’t you think we first need to groom our own society to understand that sexual desire is a need and not a sin ? How do you think the youth can do that together?
    Demanding freedom to do it fearlessly is what would follow.

    Reply
  5. Shubham Sethi

    Well firstly I agree to mr.mice saying, “our country needs is a society of intellects & thinkers who fancy less about sex” and secondly, a slut just means “a woman who has many casual sexual partners” and that is what your articles somewhat implies. So what to be ashamed of? Well the bad part is that slut by default implies for female and for males you specifically say male slut and same goes with whore.

    Reply
  6. Shubham Tripathi

    Another thing I’m really surprised by is that women themselves are looking down on other women who try and break the traditional beliefs. Girls do that to other girls, which is really surprising!! It looks like the society has made the girls believe sex or sexual desires are wrong and should be prohibited.
    Or they might just be jealous of others??!!

    What do you think?

    Reply
  7. Shubham Tripathi

    HI!
    I agree with your view point. I would like to have a world where it is not a society’s problem to judge people if they get physically intimate with someone. It doesn’t matter if it is a guy or a girl, but the freedom to make your own choices should be respected by others.
    I wouldn’t support if a person wants to be sexually intimate before marriage but I don’t think we can take away any one’s right to choose the same. Any activity or thought can be good or bad but we can’t curtail the freedom to choose and learn for an person. Let everyone follow their heart, their pat, then understand what they are doing.
    Then we shall be a better world.

    P.S. Criminalising a woman only for having sex and not a man is foolish because a man can’t have sex without a woman. So as long as men are having sex, women are also. Then why target women??!!

    Reply
  8. S

    Believe it or not there are parts of the world where a woman can freely enjoy sex. This is yet to occur in India on a large scale. Keep fighting!

    Reply
  9. mr.mice

    What our country needs is a society of intellects & thinkers who fancy less about sex during the day and do some work instead. Also we humans are all natural hypocrites with a big ego. I wish this article was more well written.

    Reply
  10. Neeraja

    Dear Anonymous,

    Let me paint a picture. I am imagining that you are someone aged between 18 yrs – 25 yrs. You are craving for freedom. You are craving for respect from society. You want to be part of society. I also see some confusion in you around whether you want to confirm to the rules that society imposed vs. breaking away from the societal rules that are in action today. Since you want to be part of society, I am interpreting that you want the rules of society to be changed in some form so that you are getting what you want.

    Everything in this world has two sides. You can slice it as good and bad, right and wrong, moral and immoral, cost and benefit etc. So I say, there are two views to your opinion also.

    Your desire is to have sex with any one you like (assuming that you are not forcing the other person). You want society not to bother about your private life. You seem to be an intelligent girl and I ask you to imagine/visualize some situations. We need to be responsible for our actions (both for good and bad results).

    Imagine you are in late 40’s and early 50’s. You have a teenage daughter. She expresses the same opinion as you do. Would you have strength to support her opinion? At that time, you are society (family is also society) to your daughter.

    So now, do you think your mother will happily support your opinion. I can imagine the intense pain that she will have. Your mother is society to you.

    Imagine you got married to a very lovable person. You share with him that you had sex prior to marriage with multiple people. How would your love feel? Imagine, your love shared with you that he had sex multiple girls before marriage. How would you feel? Imagine he compares pleasure of sex with you with the pleasure he derived from another partner. He married you because he imagined life with you is more financially secure still secretly carrying vicarious feelings about other partner. How would you feel?

    Can you be truthful and say with a straight face that you are cool with all of the above?

    As humans, we are better than animals. We want good feelings and emotions but we are much more beyond emotions. We need to be physically and mentally strong. There is a time and place to explore all feelings. Till that time, you need to keep your mind occupied with activities and feelings that are right for that time.

    Society has created governance and value structure to help us guide. They have to evolved but intelligently so that we are all happy.

    A person is really when he/she enjoys the freedom with responsibility. Time is all powerful and it will all eat us. If you read history, good legacy came from mental strength.

    Thank You for hearing me out.

    Reply
    • Anupama

      Then the yardstick should be the same irrespective of gender. The author is trying to ask, correctly, why is it that a woman’s ‘virtue’ is rated based on her faithfulness to her husband while a man is lauded with adjectives such as ‘virile’ and ‘manly’ when he flaunts his numerous sexual escapades

      Reply
      • Neeraja

        Anupama, Agreed. We are talking about value system and morals. The yardstick must be the same for all genders. Sex must be perceived as a divine act. It is an act where all the five human senses merge and reason for ecstasy. It must be an act that must be performed with right attitude and feeling and not to satiate momentary cravings.

        If one is trying to mimic the other, then right away you are validating and accepting the other persons superiority.

        Act of being right is not to mimic but being true to your value system. You are your own yardstick.

    • S

      Why would you assume that she wouldn’t want her daughter lead a life of sex positivity? It’s not something to be ashamed about and if she wants it for herself and other women then why not for her daughter? The stigma around sex makes no sense if, as you said, if nobody is being harmed. So why would she be against the idea of her daughter having sexual relations if she is confident that her daughter is mature and responsible enough to have sex? How on earth would that bring pain? Because she is ‘tainted’? ‘Recycled goods’? All of these are oppressive and backward notions.

      Assuming she married this ‘very lovable person’ because she believed that he/she was the one she wanted to make that commitment to then I’m pretty sure they would have an idea, if not knowledge, of that person’s sexual history. Two mature adults in a sexual relationship would be naive to assume that they were each other’s “firsts” unless they spoke about it. Otherwise if you were to run away from a sexual partner because they had had sex before you then you aren’t going to have much luck unless you seek out virgins. If somebody feels the need to do that then there’s something wrong with them and not the sexual partner. What is wrong with somebody having sex with more than one person?
      If you are mature enough to have sex and get married then you should be mature enough to be non-judgemental about somebody’s sexual history. What they did before they were with you is THEIR business and THEIR prerogative. You should focus on the present and your own relationship. If somebody compares your sexual performance to somebody else then they’re probably an insecure asshole who you shouldn’t be in a relationship with. If somebody marries you for financial reasons and prefers to have sex with another person and the relationship is monogamous and exclusive then i’m assuming you’ll feel bad and you probably shouldnt have married in the first place.

      Yes Neeraja, a person with a sex positive outlook such as the author would be fine with it and be able to keep a straight face.

      The right time to explore natural human feelings is the right time for the individual– not necessarily marriage.

      Society may have created structure but is riddled with flaws. A person should be able to explore their sexuality with the judgement of some ‘aunties and uncles’

      Reply
  11. @hulkdhiraj

    First thing- Just because this post is written by a girl, I wont be the one who’d blindly agree with each and everything you say! I have to criticize wherever I feel it’s wrong!

    – Do NOT generalize men
    !

    – With the problem that you’ve written, there are several factors behind it.

    – Do NOT blame the country, your country isn’t restricting you with the freedom that you want instead those factors! So all you can do is FIND THOSE LIKE MINDED PEOPLE to talk or express things out!

    – The group I’ve constitutes of like minded as well the others. But when it comes about sharing things out we just talk it out! Its like opinion surveys or what but I do express things, girls do talk about their desires and what they like in men, their moves etc, and I still live in this country! So what I try to tell here is- you just have to find the like minded ones, and its better you don’t express those thoughts out to the wrong people. Cos some people just suck!

    – I do not agree to the point men just flaunt things. You’re including the whole breed of men in this statement which is absolutely wrong!

    – We guys maybe brave enough to buy a condom (like I had bought it for the first and the last time when I was in standard 8 when my seniors at school had ragged. My task was to buy one, I too had dealt the fear of ‘people’) but that doesn’t mean we go out or sleep with any girl we like!

    – Lastly I don’t have to do anything with your anonymity! Some people call it contradictory cos you talk about freedom but showcase cowardity and I don’t have comment on that!

    I just hope you get to read this sometime!

    Reply
  12. J

    “I Have Sexual Desires And I Am Not A Slut” similarly,
    I stare at your body, and I am not a rapist” k.

    Reply
  13. Krishna

    Agree…have personally met so many people who judge girls basis on her sexual desires. And then is a guy is two timing, he is like admired. Moreover, women are also to be blamed here as they judge girls who can talk about sex openly.

    Sad part is females in India actually are not even aware what orgasm is. Sex is more of a duty which comes to them post marriage.

    Reply
    • Jose

      I don’t agree with that. I don’t know where you from, but from where I’m from, when a person is cheating on their SO, the concerned party is immediately notified, irrespective of whether the transgressor is male or female.

      Reply
  14. Firdos

    Its like when we were in school, “ailaa, teacher ko jaakay bolta/i hoon!” if u did any mischief & so is all of the above a moral crime in the eyes of the so called society kay rakhwaalay! I support women at work, home, wherever whatever they wanna do & trust me, in a country like India the revolution can only happen when women stop being timid and start being BOLD! Y stop at that, i say an occasional cat whistle to men wouldn’t harm as well! ;) Any1 saehmat or not sehmat can drop me a line on my id! Jai Azaad women!

    Reply
  15. Lokesh

    Firstly, if you want a change to happen.. You have got to be the change. I have zero interest in finding out who wrote this post, but to hell it shouldn’t have been posted as anonymous. There, right there, that is your contribution of inhibition in our society, so stop blaming this society.

    Second, when we talk about sexual freedom,what is wrong in being a promisicous woman who has casual partners? I understand you don’t like being called so, but when you raise the topic, you better speak for them too rather than distance yourself from them as there is nothing wrong with it. Because being a *slut*(I would avoid using the word unless the woman’s kinky side wants to be called so) again is a choice that can be left to the individual and should be seen as okay.

    And please, everyone has sexual personalities, some like giving, some like receiving and some like exchanging etc. etc. You probably didn’t have a pleasant experience but I doubt if any men don’t like getting their partners to orgasm. Heck! Guys love it. And it should be about making him happy and ejaculate, and you too.. Well otherwise, it isn’t sex.. Is it???

    Reply
  16. Madhurima

    I live in this world and I claim my total self – sexual too…

    Reply
  17. gudakesh

    You want to live in such a world then you have to leave this country my friend.

    Reply
  18. muft

    If so, why the writer had to stay ‘Anonymous’?

    Article is well written though.

    Reply
  19. VEAGAS

    Sexual
    Freedom ..
    Hmm where below 16 yrs even with her consent is rape ..
    Adultery is what they call if you like a person at work ..
    And place where if you say that you are sexy than girl files sexual assault case …
    And flirting is mean and wrong thing ..
    And you want sexual freedom ..
    Hellow this is india here people have no freedom of speech at least ….

    Reply
    • Anu

      Only a moron would assume that ‘sexual freedom’ would mean a free pass to do any sexual act a person desires… There is a reason why having sex with animals and children is illegal. If that needs clarifying to you then you need to see a professional.

      Adultery is not a crime and liking somebody at work is not adultery.

      There is a difference between calling a girl ‘sexy’ when you are being perverted versus when it’s appropriate. Sexual freedom does not give you the right to make men or women uncomfortable.

      Being a creep is not flirting. If you are being mean in a way that is not appreciated by the other party then you are definitely flirting all wrong.

      Sexual freedom is something that will only be achieved when people like you actually understand what it is.

      Reply
  20. SK

    In fact it is so crazy, when my parents figured out that I ve been sexually active at the age of 19, they said ‘yehi sab karna hai toh shaadi karwa dete hain, college jaane ki koi zaroorat nahi hai’. I mean seriously??? our parents equate shaadi with wanting to have sex, i.e. they think, ‘once you ve done it, you get this urge once in a while to do it again, and why not marry and do it with a (shitty) partner we choose for you instead of a boyfriend of your liking and forget college.. shaadi ke baad toh you would be involved in sex too much (since you are so involved now, kind of slutty that is for you) to worry about college’. Goodness thats the perception.. upper middle class, well educated family from Delhi, and this is how we think.

    Reply
  21. SK

    Come to New Zealand!! Honestly, the world you describe actually exists here. It would take a while for our country to be that way, because our predecessors who are still alive have a backward mindset, that is likely to change only when our generation become parents of teenagers and teach them logic over supremacy.

    Reply
  22. Anupama

    Indian women being pressurized by everyone in their family to “produce a child ” at the earliest, and portrayed by some of our movies as having that as the ultimate goal also contributes to the entirely false notion ( speaking for myself ) that we should not/do not desire sex, but merely view it as an unavoidable necessity

    Reply
  23. CHAMP08

    Absolutely i agree wid d article written above. & a very simple & candid point which comes across my mind is that there is so much hate in this cruel world, & it would be really nice to see a society where some people come forward and display love & affection. everyone wants love, nobody wants to be hated. so why not it be even sexually, there’s nothing wrong in that gesture, provided, its done with a good intention.

    Reply
  24. Gaurav

    I completely agree with your point of view.
    To add onto this Its about time India and its people(Youth included, myself too) accept that sex is a biological need and its a necessity for any being in order to stay physically and mentally fit. We must start behaving like adults and stop wearing our so called “Cultured” hat whenever we have to talk about relationships or sex.

    To sum it up- As Vidya Balan (A very well known Bollywood actor) said on Koffee with Karan “Women Want it, Need it, Love it as much as Men do!”

    Cheers!

    Reply
  25. Sakshi

    I agree, a woman has her own rights. Right to be where she wants at whatever time without having to give any explanations to anyone. It is nice in that sense.

    But the connotation you have attached to the word ‘slut’ here is sad. I have personally never been able to understand why it has a negative connotation to it – even in all dictionaries. Why dirty only because she would sleep with anyone. Big shit! If she wishes to, so be it… till no one has been forced, and it’s by choice, I do not see why it should carry a negative tone. You, probably unknowingly, have thrown the same light on it.

    Reply
  26. Sachin

    There are two things at fault in our system:
    1. Throughout history women have been socially elevated and looked upon as goddesses and incarnates rather than considering them as equals. Social evil’s arouse due to this fundamental thought.
    2.Sexuality in our culture has always been degraded and seen as a mere tool for multiplication rather than a biological phenomenon.
    The result of this is our mindset being flawed that active sexuality degrades moral conduct and character. It’s a derogatory portrayal of a person(irrespective of gender), Women however evolutionarily have received and extra-dose of that derogation owing to their elevation in the society. When people treat women as incarnates, they consider sex to be a malignant and the moral siren starts buzzing the moment something of the sort surfaces.
    Bottom-line: This is not a man-woman issue. It’s a fundamental flaw which has bloomed into a social stigma. It’s impossible to get rid of it through awareness and articles.

    Reply
  27. Siddhi

    It doesn’t really matter if the author rights his/her name!!! the message frm the article is pretty clear, everyone would agree but when it comes to appling in rreal life India has a long way to go. The culture has set these remarks which of course i’m in opposition to. Even the court judgement on being homosexual adds to the list.
    Women on oneside are considered to be the analogy for godess Lakshmi and on the other side are dominated and harassed by the men. Having sexual desires is such a matter of being a normal human according to me evn the last months research paper says that drosophila melanogaster’s life span decreses on being kept away from the mate. These are considered to be the model organisms for genetics and other studies, so we must correlate!!??

    Reply
  28. tyson

    * I agree that, both men and women should have sexual freedom.
    * I know that at this point there is less hope for this. But if you and I teach our future children and grand children about SEX and its ETHICS properly, then we can achieve sexual freedom and equality.
    * While enjoying your sexual freedom don’t forget to respect the people who follow the traditional way. Try to avoid sexual expression like kissing in public, because it may hurt feelings people who are not lucky.

    Reply
    • adya00

      I do not wish to make this sound offensive. But I would like to ask why would someone be affected or hurt if they someone kissing in public? Isn’t it an expression of love?

      Reply
      • tyson

        yes its an expression of love.
        But when one sees two people Kissing in public the following thing can happen:
        it can make some feel happy.
        it make some people jealous.
        it make some people sad.
        it make some people uncomfortable (especially elders)
        and for some it will be erotic.

        In western world its a normal for someone to kiss in public because they are seeing this from their childhood. they see their parents kiss and know that its an expression of love, they see two people kiss and know that its an expression of love. they see a groom and bride kiss as an start of new life as a couple in love.

        But in our India we see kiss only in movies, here we express our love be holding hands, hugging.
        we are still in a process of adapting the KISS concept.

      • adya00

        Well I guess then there should be a lot more hugging, and holding hands, and kissing should steadily increase :)

      • Shouvik

        if that’s the case, then people should stop eating ice-creams on roads.

      • UD

        Eating an ice cream can…

        it can make some feel happy.
        it make some people jealous.
        it make some people sad.
        it make some people uncomfortable (especially elders)
        and for some it will be erotic.

        ….LOL…very very well said :D

  29. Vikas

    There is absolutely no doubt that the woman has every right in her freedom of physical expressions. The society has been all warped towards this and has created a situation which needs more than constant urging for greater acceptance and a holistic transformation.

    Women have to have equal participation in everything – I MEAN EVERYTHING !!

    Cheers

    Reply
  30. sarab20121989

    If you replaced ‘woman’ with ‘gay man’ in this article , it still rings true
    Gay men are also frowned for desiring sex from men , shamed for their sexuality and forced to keep it quiet just like women

    Reply
  31. ranveer

    Sexual freedom.
    For women.

    I can just about imagine the look on the faces of many everyday people. And the fact is, there is a very big divide. Between what has been said here and what happens around.

    The only way out seems to shock the so called keepers of tradition and culture to the point where even violence cant really shut anyone up. And even then the shock value has to be kept above board, where fingers can’t be pointed nor can the focus shifted.

    Very well written, and for those who think being anonymous is same as being cowardly, well, mark twain and his quote come to mind.

    “Better to keep quiet and appear a simpleton than to talk and remove all doubt.”
    ;)

    Reply
  32. Simran

    Really? Are you sure that you do? I am a regular reader at Youth ki Awaaz and most of the writers do mention their name at the end of article.After venting out everything, You did not have the audacity to address yourself ,your identity/at least your name in the article.Please do not write such things for the sake of writing.Do not point others when you have a coward inside you .Do not use writing to make your self feel better but come up with something which you actually believe in.

    Reply
    • adya00

      Remaining anonymous is not the same as being a coward. Famous women authors have wrote under pen names for centuries now. What she has written isn’t for the sake of writing, its a very deep, important, and an issue of immediate concern.

      Reply
    • Anannya Chatterjee

      What if she does? Its similar to blamimg feminism about being double-standard because the term has the prefix “femin” here. As a teacher, aren’t you being judgemental? And anyway, who gives you the basic right to call her a coward anyway? She has put forward an issue most of us don’t speak about. How is that cowardice in any angle? Just because she hasnt put her name, doesn’t mean she doesnt believe the same. Maybe she does. Maybe she didn’t put her name for some other purpose..who knows? If the article stirs up something inside you, believe me, the author’s work is commendable. Only when a person believes in a something, is he/she able to make others feel about the same. Did the article make you feel? Bingo. You got your answer.

      Reply
    • Roza

      Maybe the author didn’t mention her name because she speaks for many and not just herself…?
      Definitely not cowardice.

      Reply
  33. kkamu

    A good article. nicely written.
    Women should be treated equally with men and should have equal rights. But our society dont allow us. Is it only because of men? I don’t think so…. Most of readers thinks (which may be true) that men dont like to be treated equally with women. I am not agree on this. But i am agree that women should be treated at par with men and should have independence to take her decisions.
    Readers comments are healthy and nice to know other’s views.

    Reply
  34. Debdeep Basu

    Society’s shackles – it’s not just women, even young men who have been raised in an average indian family with “sanskaars” or “culture” are afraid to be free about their sexual desires. This is how “progressive” our thinking is today. Forget having the sex talk with growing teenagers, today’s parents/adult generation frowns upon anybody – be it 21 and above, even slightly expressing that they might have some testosterone. I am sorry to say, but with this kind of a social setup I would gladly leave the country and congratulate anyone who wants to move out to places offering a more wholesome development of career and personality. Perfect analogy to the Catholic church which controls Christians by putting the fear of the Lord in them. How different are we? The older generations just use the “sanskaars” and so called moral codes of behavior to keep the coming generations under their control. So much for a free and developing nation … Cheers!

    Reply
  35. artemis1991

    How many of our own gender actually come out with this? Most of our own betray us. If a boy calls a girl a slut based on any of these points, there will be gaggle of stupid girls backing them or pre-empting the same thoughts. Imagine if instead of backing down or agreeing to that bias, every girl spoke up saying, “and who died and made you the f****ing moral police?” Would he not shut up or atleast think before he retaliates the next time? That’s the day we will have sexual freedom, not when society wakes up, but when we as females wake up and stand together as sisters.

    Reply
    • Anannya Chatterjee

      This was so appropriate. Thank you so much for this briliantly expressed reply. I just got a push forward to become a better person than what I am now. Again, thank you. :)

      Reply
  36. Mao

    What is wrong with people here. .. All the author is trying to say is just because a woman wants sexual freedom that doesn’t make her a slut or easy. The audience doesn’t understand English or chooses to deliberately skid off topic (poverty, inability to buy pencils? ?? We aren’t discussing that in the article) and about why she doesn’t disclose her name in the article is because she chooses not to.

    Reply
  37. Mao

    What is wrong with people here. .. All the author is trying to say is just because a woman wants asexual freedom that didn’t make her a slut or easy. The audience doesn’t understand English or chooses to deliberately of topic (poverty, inability to buy pencils? ?? We aren’t discussing that in the article), I can’t tell. …and about why she doesn’t disclose her nane is because she chooses not to.

    Reply
  38. Harshita

    These comments disgust me.

    At the base of each one of them lies stigma, and an unwillingness, explicit or implicit, to recognize women as sexual individuals.

    As for Amit for peace, sir, you’re a political science student, yet you fail to recognize the importance of an individual of a society. Buddhism says that society is created by human beings, and thus is alterable through human action. We create, we change. It is at our liberty. The “because society says so” is the WORST argument you can provide right after “Morality”. Morality and society, they are subjective entities that change, should be changed. Spitting in public isn’t exactly right, is it? So would it be so terrible for us to change that? Gay marriage was illegal till 2009, we changed them. Gave a section of our society the basic right to marriage. We changed for the better.

    So I’m a woman, tomorrow I may want to have sex with a man who I’m not married to, or hell, not even in a relationship with. That does not make me some sort of a mindless person who will go on to commit adultery (although here i can go and say, if the couple is ok with sex outside marriage who are we to object). I do not turn barbaric and mindless because i fulfill my cravings. Sex is a part of my being, my sexuality is my right.

    And as for Vivek, you smart person, the author is not saying there isn’t poverty. Do we neglect other rights and liberties because of poverty? Are those to mutually exclusive? Just because I campaign to let women have sexual liberty, I say, oh let us have the rest of the country stinking with poverty and desolation? How is that even relevant? I might just have orgasms one night then wake up and draft a law for compulsory minimum wage, sir. Let us not be so smart here, really.

    Reply
    • vikrant

      Harshita, wat u said was commendable .. Ppl r poor in their thoughts and I really believe society is like water which shud flow and NT b stagnant .

      Reply
  39. vivek

    जिस्म की भूख, जिस्म की भूख,— चिल्लाते हो तुम, क्युकि शायद तुमने अभी पेट की भूख के सन्नाटे को सुना नहीं है
    you wanna talk freely about buying condoms and contraceptives… there are people on this planet who don’t have the luxary of buying pen, pencil and copy… even heard of them my dear friend ?
    You wanna talk about sex education, adultery and multiple partners …..I think talking about female foeticide, child mortality, malnutrition, dowry and inter-cast marriage is more interesting….
    You go to these fancy food plazas n struggle to dig out the most delicious and calorie free items from them menu, oh friend, there are people in this world who struggle to get even one meal a day….. Have u ever read about them ?
    You want to sit on a table with men and women and discuss your sex life… the orgasm which u r talking about is lowest form of orgasm… I think discussing poverty, progress and prosperity is highly orgasmic….. Have u ever experienced that ?
    You want as much as freedom as your so called “men” possess….plz don’t ask for it…. They are the ugliest creature of this planet… you guyz are far better, beautiful, simple and stronger than them…. and there are chances that when you will achieve that so called freedom, u will become as ugly as they are right now…. I don’t think it’s a Good deal 
    jism ki bhookh, jism ki bhookh— chillate ho tum, kyuki shayad tumne abhi pet ki bhookh k sannnate ko suna nahi hai…
    I think u r suffering from a disorder called impotent intelligentia…….have you ever had a post-mortem of your conscience?
    P.S.- sorry, I cudn’t resist coz my urge is far more deeper than your’s..

    Reply
    • Harshita

      These comments disgust me.

      At the base of each one of them lies stigma, and an unwillingness, explicit or implicit, to recognize women as sexual individuals.

      As for Amit for peace, sir, you’re a political science student, yet you fail to recognize the importance of an individual of a society. Buddhism says that society is created by human beings, and thus is alterable through human action. We create, we change. It is at our liberty. The “because society says so” is the WORST argument you can provide right after “Morality”. Morality and society, they are subjective entities that change, should be changed. Spitting in public isn’t exactly right, is it? So would it be so terrible for us to change that? Gay marriage was illegal till 2009, we changed them. Gave a section of our society the basic right to marriage. We changed for the better.

      So I’m a woman, tomorrow I may want to have sex with a man who I’m not married to, or hell, not even in a relationship with. That does not make me some sort of a mindless person who will go on to commit adultery (although here i can go and say, if the couple is ok with sex outside marriage who are we to object). I do not turn barbaric and mindless because i fulfill my cravings. Sex is a part of my being, my sexuality is my right.

      And as for Vivek, you smart person, the author is not saying there isn’t poverty. Do we neglect other rights and liberties because of poverty? Are those to mutually exclusive? Just because I campaign to let women have sexual liberty, I say, oh let us have the rest of the country stinking with poverty and desolation? How is that even relevant? I might just have orgasms one night then wake up and draft a law for compulsory minimum wage, sir. Let us not be so smart here, really.

      Reply
    • devikagandhi

      I think you are suffering from a with the most common disorder of this country,making a non-sense statement to come out as a hero.Dude this is a wrong place to agitate regarding the matters of poverty,progress etc.And that punch you came out with are the most inappropriate and lamest lines i have ever come across.Stop being such a snob and try to digest the fact that freedom of thoughts and actions is above everything today.

      Reply
    • adya00

      You remind me of one of those men who say women are stronger, more patient and blah blah blah, you know why? Because they don’t want any responsibilty. When a child does something wrong, “kya sikhaya hoga iski maa ne ise”, “iski maa ko mar to gayi hogi dekh ke kaisi aulad paida ki hai”.
      You are also one of those men, who will always compare to things that are not as good, for you the comparison is always downscale. God forbid if someone compares themselves to a person with better facilities to make a point of how we should aspire to become better. God forbid if now parents or teachers compare their children’s marks with with toppers.
      And if men are so ugly, on the inside or outside, more reason not to listen to your twisted, bias statements.
      And as for your urge being deeper, its pretty much impossible. Women are a lot more sexual than men.

      Reply
    • Akshat Seth

      भाई देखो ऐसा है कि यहाँ बहुत चिल्ला-चौड मचाकर अगर आप ये दिखाने की कोशिश कर रहे हैं कि आपने ही सारे संसार के दुखो का बीड़ा उठाया है और अगर कोई यहाँ आकर अपने Personal Desires जो कि इस परम्परावादी समाज द्वारा हमेशा ‘पाप’ कहे जाते हैं के बारे में कुछ कहता है तो वो स्वार्थी है और आप रजा हरीश्चन्द्र तो इस भ्रम को तोड़ डालें, समाज सेवा करने में ज्यादा मदद मिलेगी….
      आप यहाँ चिल्ला रहे हैं ‘जिस्म की भूख’ आदि,आदि तो मैं आपको ये बड़ी विनम्रता से सूचित कर दू कि भले ही आप खुद को ब्रम्हचारी मानते हो पर बाकी लोग न तो महाराज मनु हैं न दुर्वासा ऋषि कि जो आपके बताये मार्ग पर न चलकर घोर पाप कर रहे हैं.
      Let me tell you one thing more….since you have raised the issue of collective good vis-a-vis the individual good then let me tell you that being a leftist myself I not only agree with the fact that you need to fight the self-centered attitudes and raise your voice against the fate of the poor but also raise the issue of individual freedom….समझो मेरे दोस्त, मुआमला जिस्म की भूख का नहीं बल्कि एक औरत के अधिकार का है, और जिस्म की ये भूख कोई पाप नहीं है जैसा तुम्हे लग रहा है….इसी भूख के नतीजे में एक नयी ज़िन्दगी ज़मीन पर उतर आती है मेरे दोस्त….
      Although I won’t say that your Intelligence suffers from ‘impotency’ as you alleged about the author but allow me to say that your outlook is noble but misguided. It’s a question of personal freedom my friend. I hope you will understand.

      Reply
    • Akshat Seth

      वैसे विवेक….जानकार अच्छा लगा कि तुम आदर्शवादी हो पर मेरे प्यारे दोस्त, आदर्शवाद अगर दूसरो को उपदेश देने और उनकी इच्छाओं का सम्मान न कर पाने तक सीमित रह जाता है तो कितनी भी ऊंची बातें कर ले वो कर कुछ नहीं पाटा है :)

      Reply
    • Shubhi

      well vivek, you spoke about female infanticide, child mortality and the rest, do you even know the root cause of all such problems?
      the writer spoke about ‘sex as power-game’, where, to enlighten you, man dominates women, usually. Wonder why? Because women are considered as sex objects, nothing more. And this is the root cause. Kindly research more, re-read the articles before you end up posting such comments. Sex education is as important as discussing poverty. Having the freedom that the writer talks about would itself eliminate more than half of the issues you want to stress upon.

      Reply
    • Anannya Chatterjee

      Such level of intelligence! I am so impressed, really! Aaja teri nazar utar lu!

      Oh mahan prani! Aapko itni chhoti si baat samajh aati h ki yahan kis cheez ke baare mein baat ho rahi h? Ya phir aapki intelligence level itni jyada ki aisi chhoti chhoti baat aapko chhu kar bhi nahi jaati?
      Dusri baat, orgasm matlab pata h? Aur agar aapko poverty, child marrieges, ki baatein “highly orgasmic” lagti h, to bahut acchi baat h! Please don’t reproduce! Then we will be saved from more mahaan praanis like you!
      Teesri baat! Who gave the right to call anybody the ugliest creations of the Lord? Aap kya ho? Dudh ke dhule?

      But seriously, aap itne intelligent ho…itne intelligent ho…ki yahan kya, aapko to antariksh mein rehna chahiye! Jaiye jaiye aap wahan jaake discuss karna!

      Reply
    • Omkar

      Haha. You have just missed the point, my friend (I shudder to call you that!). You seem to know a lot about issues that plague the modern Indian society, and that is good. But stop acting like you’re a messiah unless you have the courage to lead by example! You might be thinking that we all are unaware about these issues. And we only know of orgasms and sex. Like we are savants. Like we would be the downfall of society, and add to the already burgeoning population of this country by indulging in sex. But you are being insensitive and rash about your opinions. Sex is an intricate part of human life, so stop thinking of it as taboo. Why do you think we have a huge population crisis? Lack of sex-education and high occurrence of ignorance. People have primitive notions about sex, want boys instead of girls in this 21st century society. We all are responsible and it’s shameful. Yes, I said that! Women have a right to a better life, and the right to their own body. They may use it as they will. And men should learn to respect that. Period. The moment we (I am a man) stop objectifying women, educate ourselves, and be more receptive to their needs and desires, then we will be a progressive, prosperous and emancipated society. Women should also treat themselves better because they deserve better. Expression of sexuality is as healthy as expression of hunger or thirst. Without it we would be asexual beings, which I have nothing against. I respect the practice of abstinence, because guess what, my conscience dictates it. Art is an expression of sexuality and yearning. And women, please don’t believe that men are ugly. Both internally and externally. As human beings, I believe we have the potential to be ugly or beautiful. I, for myself, support gender equality in all walks of life.

      Reply
    • Madhurima

      Sex is not just a body thing… it is as spiritual an urge as anything else. Sex is not about sexual desperation alone but a healthy human desire to experience intimacy. If any talk of sex sounds sex addiction to you then you could have repressed your sexuality… and pretending that you have deeper urges. And with regards talking about poverty, malnutrition etc. etc. … let me tell you, I work in the development sector… and to discuss these problems one need not abstain from sex… a lot of gender problems are linked to ages of sexual repression and a woman talking about sex… is the best way to address this problem.

      Reply
  40. raj

    Dear Author, I fully endorse your thoughts that one should not have qualms about her/his sexual desires. It can be discussed among peers or among those with whom we share a camaraderie. But not giving your name represents the hypocrisy. I don’t know may be if it is uneasy for a women to share her sexual instincts on a public forum under her name, but I do respect your thoughts and hopes to see a change in perception of the individuals which this article is meant for.

    Reply
  41. Sandeep

    I agree with the author on certain points and don’t in certain other, when she says in the society one should be free, irrespective of their gender, to discuss there sex life ( obviously with a right kind of audience ) i completely agree, I fail to understand why this taboo , but regarding the prerogative, I myself don’t see having sex with multiple partners as my prerogative, but again it is a matter of personal choice ( and yes it doesn’t make one slut )
    Again in matters of one’s sexual activity i find it really intrusive of others being bothered by it, that is definitely one’s choice, if and when to be sexually active..

    Reply
  42. tina borah

    the change has to start from within us first. what is the society… even we are a part of it. its not like we are innocent bystanders. we pass comments too. why call someone a slut just because she chooses to be sexually active. the change will come only when we start accepting the fact that someone’s sexually life is their’s only and we don’t have the right to speculate or label them because of that…

    Reply
  43. Tarique Afaque

    Its equally not right on men’s part too. I know this happens, and in today’s world in even “C” class cities, both sexes, have means are are doing it to satisfy their urges, with the shield of boyfriend, beloved, intimate friend, C2C, swapping etc. The problem is respect, not what you are stating. Yes, I also do admit its a male dominating society, so the participating male should be discreet about it and should respect the social security of a women and must be there for all needs, be it a contraceptive pill or rubber. I’m confident enough, girls in today’s scenario are equally familiar with words like orgasm, cum, 3sum and 4sum etc. for which i have no issues at all. And yes, I’ve been amazed to the porn collection they have. If we sum up the ratio of storage, i thing the total GB consumption summing up all males and all females in India would be 50:50. Lastly. MAN is not society, there are black sheeps in every community, so you just cannot hit every man with same sentences. And I give this responsibility, (for social reasons) that they should respect their partners, respect the act and should not take such desires of other partner in any other way, but purely biologically natural way.

    Reply
  44. bansal

    thought provoking and brilliant piece of writing ….for man they say he is a stud if he sleeps with many girls and girls are slut if they do the same this mentality need to be challenge

    Reply
  45. sorimi

    that’s d truth nd that’s how our society is….
    u cn change one bt the wall is hard to brk… u cn definately make ur point nd convince bt wen it cms to prac experience… 99% people chicken out….

    regarding the article its a fact….

    Reply
  46. Pie

    Brilliant piece.

    Regarding the comments, I don’t understand why the notion of control has been brought forward, the author writes about being able to buy a condom or talk about sex freely and not about throwing oneself at another forcibly. There is a huge difference between socially expressing sexual desires and rape! She talks about having space to share such things and I don’t understand how it is inappropriate. Also, given that a man has the freedom to do the same (and I am sorry if I am generalizing, but I see this happening all around me, and I live in India myself) why can’t I? Of course, we are all entitled to our own opinions in the social sphere, but I think the core idea we need to look into is that of choice – the freedom of exercising choice.

    Again I guess that would explain why the author maintains anonymity, its her choice. Rather, I think it actually facilitates the social inhibitions the author talks about, how she ‘wants’ something but ‘cant.

    Reply
  47. nupur

    well written but shouldnt have been anonymous. please share with us your name so that we know who we are sharing our thoughts with.

    Reply
  48. anonymous_my_foot

    It is amusing that the author of this post makes big statements, but not only does she not have the honesty or courage to lend her name to her sayings, and decides to hide the veil of ‘anonymous’, but when this is pointed out by a reader in a comment, the comment gets deleted!
    So much for ‘freedom’, ‘awaaz’, blah blah…

    Reply
    • Akshat Seth

      Now you yourself don;t have the courage to reveal your name and you have the audacity to instruct the author regarding her behavior…..HILARIOUS!!! You are funny man
      By the way had she come out na, desperate, frustrated, psycho and cowardly morons like you would spare no pains to hound out and harass the author because she dared to question the chauvinistic value systems better known as the Indian Culture and your cute, delicate and nicely preserved sentiments would get hurt.
      Stop creating fake e-mail id’s to post comments before having the presumption to instruct others about ‘freedom’ ‘awaaz’ and blah blah…..

      Reply
  49. anonymous_my_foot

    ironic you chose to remain ‘anonymous’…so much for freedom of expression and blah blah…

    Reply
      • Rishikesh Pande

        You’re the author of this post, ain’t you? Well, even if you deny, good job on the article. :D

  50. amitforpeace

    Does equality mean to ape everything that your counterpart does? No matter whether that’s right or wrong? I really dont believe that. People will call me a conservative today when i say that i dont like women smoking and find a sexist connotation of it before even i finish my sentence. But what they dont realise is that i detest the very act of smoking, irrespective of the fact who does it. Because somehow in our moral science books, which i took a bit too seriously,we were taught this. The same theory applies here too. I dont know which place where men believe that sex is their birthright is appreciated. And similarly when women begin to claim sex as their birthright, it wont be appreciated greatly. NOT BECAUSE WOMEN ARE CLAIMING THE RIGHT, BUT because the very thought is not socially acceptable, FOR BOTH MEN AND WOMEN, at least in a place like India. And i dont understand that when women themselves criticise of men thinking of sex as birthright, why do they think that it would be appropriate for them to claim such a right? Call me a narrow minded idiot or what, but reading this article made me feel as if the writer has tried to cloak the word ‘lust’ with the words ‘sexual freedom’, just to sound more appealing!
    Its not wrong to have sexual desires. But to not being able to control them would make anyone an animal, something that we call the rapists today!
    P.S – Im none of those right wing culture jingoists. I am a modern person with a broad outlook with some very strong values that my childhood taught me!

    Reply
    • Rigya Singh

      Equality cannot mean same for men and women. You have presented a well thought-out argument but some areas are problematic. What people need to realise is that women too have reproductive organs which are not just meant for gestation. You said “at least in a place like India”. See the problem here? What is wrong in wanting sex? And rape is almost never about lust. That is where you are wrong. Rape is not about unconcealed desire. You think paid sex isn’t available? There aren’t enough girls who like good sex? No, it is about power-play. The need to violate the helpless person. Rape isn’t about lust.

      Reply
      • amitforpeace

        First of all, thanks, mam for the appreciation. Moving on lets take your views one by one.
        “What people need to realise is that women too have reproductive organs which are not just meant for gestation.”
        I have a counter point to it from the point of view of men – Men too have genitals that are not just meant for one married life.
        As a woman, doesnt that sound offensive to you? As a human, (NOT MERELY AS A MAN), to me, it does. Coz this implies that it is absolutely alright if men desire sex outside the institution of marriage, which in other terms is adultery. Now would you support that? Now think of your own

        You said “at least in a place like India”.
        I said this very purposefully, as no matter how we think of us as liberal individuals, we do, by accident of birth, belong to a society. Now my invocation of the word ‘society’ might make you think of me as a very conservative person, but you cant possibly deny that our society is an inevitable reality in our lives. can you? That doesnt mean that i am justifying the social norms or something but throwing light on the fact that they VERY MUCH exist. I talked about values in my previous comment, and thats what i have got as a part of this social system. Few things dont just fit in our value systems. Before blindly aping the Western aspects of life, one should try to understand the cultural difference that lies in between. While spitting on roads in India might seem harmless, but doing the same abroad will draw flak and the vice versa stands true for such claims of sexual freedom in Indian culture also.I would like to restate that im not justifying any social norms here.

        “What is wrong in wanting sex? And rape is almost never about lust. That is where you are wrong. Rape is not about unconcealed desire.”
        If you read carefully what i wrote, you would find i have written very explicitly “Its not wrong to have sexual desires. But to not being able to control them would make anyone an animal, something that we call the rapists today!” Now that brings us to the point of Rapists? I agree to your point of power equation being present in rape, and i understand it well being a student of Political Science. But, yet i wont agree that lust isnt behind rapes. Rape is an expression of lust which takes place where the power structure is skewed. But at the very base of all intellectually stimulating arguments behind rapes lies a very simple thing called Lust.I agree that power structure is a necessary condition for rape to take place, but it definitely wont take place if the man has no lust for the subject.

        P.S – I agree that as a 20yr old, my views might not just be perfect, noone’s are. And hence dont take any offence of anything. Im always happy to be corrected. I just wanted to squeeze out my views from within me on such a sensitive topic and hence i did through this forum. Further views will be gladly accepted.

      • adya00

        “What people need to realise is that women too have reproductive organs which are not just meant for gestation.”
        I have a counter point to it from the point of view of men – Men too have genitals that are not just meant for one married life.
        As a woman, doesnt that sound offensive to you? As a human, (NOT MERELY AS A MAN), to me, it does. Coz this implies that it is absolutely alright if men desire sex outside the institution of marriage, which in other terms is adultery. Now would you support that? Now think of your own

        Are you out of mind? There is no comparison between what the author said and what you are saying. What does gestation have to do with multiple sexual partners? I mean where is your head?

        “Before blindly aping the Western aspects of life,” Let me rephrase that, “before blindly aping our won culture or what our scriptures or parents tell us”

        As far as controlling sexual desires, women are not even allowed to have sexual desires, what are they supposed to control?

        Rape is beyond lust, rape is a game for men who have never understood the fact that a woman’s no means a no. For them it is a show of power, of showing who is the more powerful one.

      • Akshat Seth

        Dear Amit
        I find it appreciable that you’ve chosen to leave your views flexible. My dear let me tell you then….the word ‘lust’ has been propagated from time immemorial by the scriptures and thus the society at large and thus reference to sex is considered as ‘evil’. This is the perceptions we are trying to change in our little ways. Sex is not lust. Rape is not wrong because it originated out of sexual desire, it is wrong because it was committed against someone’s will and caused her mental and physical agony. Rape in India is a sociological problem while in the West it is a psychological one; that is why here we find repeated instances of Gangrapes……because of the obsession with abstention and Control and due to the class differences, rape has become a menace, not because of what you call lust. Sexual desire is not wrong, unfulfilled sexual desire because of illogical social values is unfortunate and it is that Unfulfilled ‘lust’ that leads to the crime and hence an open discussion of sexuality is a corrective measure to change social perceptions, not controlling lust….hope You will understand. We all are for peace here, and freedom as well :)

    • adya00

      Amit for peace.

      The moral science books, they taught us a lot of trash, mixed with some good here and there. Times change, evolution and change is the way.
      Wanting sexual freedom is not aping men, women have sexual needs which they can’t express as freely as men.What they are asking for is equality.
      You have the right to not like smoking and not be with people who smoke, but not a right to say they are wrong.
      As far as is lust is considered, its normal and there’s nothing wrong with that.
      And you stepped on a tricky place when you said asking for sexual freedom is equivalent to being rapists. Watch your words.

      Reply
    • Srishti

      And who decides the right vs. wrong? You? Science accepts sex as a biological need and not just as a desire possessed by some and not the others. It’s almost funny that sex becomes a topic to take a moral high ground on. On what basis, sir? It’s like saying non vegetarians have no morals because I think our moral science text books also talk about “respect” for others species. And sorry, God knows what moral science textbook you read because i don’t remember any of them condemning smoking or sex as “immoral.”

      Reply
    • UD

      The problem is with you equating morality with everything. Even I do not support smoking, doesnt mean those who smoke are “immoral”
      You know what is immoral?
      To kill is immoral
      To thieve is immoral
      To try to control other human being’s lives is immoral
      Basically, as written by the author khaleed huusaini in the book “The Kiterunner”…
      “there is only one sin, only one. And that is theft. Every other sin is a variation of theft… When you kill a man, you steal a life. You steal his wife’s right to a husband, rob his children of a father. When you tell a lie, you steal someone’s right to the truth. When you cheat, you steal the right to fairness.”
      Do you see the pattern? You have a right to do whatever you want with your life. But YOU DO NOT have the right to push so called “values and morals” on others. You totally have the right to ask someone to not smoke in front of you as they are stealing your right to breathe free, please dont say women who smoke have loose morals.

      If you think sex is disgusting, by all means , be a baal brahmachari. Dont expect others to feel same about it. The birthright the author is talking about, is the right to enjoy sex without feeling depraved, without feeling as if you are doing a crime by enjoying your own body. If you think theres something bad about sex, I pity you and your spouse. I believe you cant even look in her eyes while making love, no? Coz in your eyes “the moral science book taught” you to despise sex. Use your brain maybe? Instead of ,literally, going by the book

      Reply