Submitted anonymously:
We live in a world today where people still feel shy to go buy a condom, where a woman has to think a thousand times before freely buying a contraceptive pill, where if you get pregnant and you’re not married you’ll have to run to another city to get an abortion or “people” might find out.
People might find out you’re sexually active, that you chose to have sex with a man and even worse, you chose to have sexual desires while you were unmarried. Come on! You’re a woman! You’re not allowed to think like that! All those men walking around flaunting the number of women they’ve been with, is fine, that’s acceptable, they’re men, sex is their thing! But you, woman, having any inclination towards accepting your sexual desires is not right.
We live in a world today that’s talking about gender equality, sexual education, the fight against AIDS, but this is the same world that denies a woman the right to “want” sex, to express her desires, her wants. It’s a man’s world where porn objectifies women, where we are led to believe by our society, by every other person around us that sex isn’t for a woman’s pleasure, it’s something that satisfies a man and a woman gives into, if not by pressure then just to please the man. Look around and you’ll find a billion examples of this.
How did a woman’s sexual needs become desperation and a man’s their birthright?
I want to live in a world where its fine for me to want an orgasm, I want to live in a world where I can sit on a table with men and women and discuss my sex life if I want to, I want to live in a world where how many men is it okay to sleep with is my prerogative and not anyone else’s’, I want to live in a world where I can carry a condom and ask him if he’ll come home with me.
And no, this does not mean I’m a slut, neither does it make me someone who will sleep with just anybody. I want to live in a world where sex isn’t a power game, where it isn’t about making a man feel happy, where it isn’t an activity that makes him ejaculate. I want to live in a world where I can enjoy sex and say it in just those many words.
I want to live in a world where I have sexual freedom. Do you?
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Does equality mean to ape everything that your counterpart does? No matter whether that’s right or wrong? I really dont believe that. People will call me a conservative today when i say that i dont like women smoking and find a sexist connotation of it before even i finish my sentence. But what they dont realise is that i detest the very act of smoking, irrespective of the fact who does it. Because somehow in our moral science books, which i took a bit too seriously,we were taught this. The same theory applies here too. I dont know which place where men believe that sex is their birthright is appreciated. And similarly when women begin to claim sex as their birthright, it wont be appreciated greatly. NOT BECAUSE WOMEN ARE CLAIMING THE RIGHT, BUT because the very thought is not socially acceptable, FOR BOTH MEN AND WOMEN, at least in a place like India. And i dont understand that when women themselves criticise of men thinking of sex as birthright, why do they think that it would be appropriate for them to claim such a right? Call me a narrow minded idiot or what, but reading this article made me feel as if the writer has tried to cloak the word ‘lust’ with the words ‘sexual freedom’, just to sound more appealing!
Its not wrong to have sexual desires. But to not being able to control them would make anyone an animal, something that we call the rapists today!
P.S – Im none of those right wing culture jingoists. I am a modern person with a broad outlook with some very strong values that my childhood taught me!
Equality cannot mean same for men and women. You have presented a well thought-out argument but some areas are problematic. What people need to realise is that women too have reproductive organs which are not just meant for gestation. You said “at least in a place like India”. See the problem here? What is wrong in wanting sex? And rape is almost never about lust. That is where you are wrong. Rape is not about unconcealed desire. You think paid sex isn’t available? There aren’t enough girls who like good sex? No, it is about power-play. The need to violate the helpless person. Rape isn’t about lust.
First of all, thanks, mam for the appreciation. Moving on lets take your views one by one.
“What people need to realise is that women too have reproductive organs which are not just meant for gestation.”
I have a counter point to it from the point of view of men – Men too have genitals that are not just meant for one married life.
As a woman, doesnt that sound offensive to you? As a human, (NOT MERELY AS A MAN), to me, it does. Coz this implies that it is absolutely alright if men desire sex outside the institution of marriage, which in other terms is adultery. Now would you support that? Now think of your own
You said “at least in a place like India”.
I said this very purposefully, as no matter how we think of us as liberal individuals, we do, by accident of birth, belong to a society. Now my invocation of the word ‘society’ might make you think of me as a very conservative person, but you cant possibly deny that our society is an inevitable reality in our lives. can you? That doesnt mean that i am justifying the social norms or something but throwing light on the fact that they VERY MUCH exist. I talked about values in my previous comment, and thats what i have got as a part of this social system. Few things dont just fit in our value systems. Before blindly aping the Western aspects of life, one should try to understand the cultural difference that lies in between. While spitting on roads in India might seem harmless, but doing the same abroad will draw flak and the vice versa stands true for such claims of sexual freedom in Indian culture also.I would like to restate that im not justifying any social norms here.
“What is wrong in wanting sex? And rape is almost never about lust. That is where you are wrong. Rape is not about unconcealed desire.”
If you read carefully what i wrote, you would find i have written very explicitly “Its not wrong to have sexual desires. But to not being able to control them would make anyone an animal, something that we call the rapists today!” Now that brings us to the point of Rapists? I agree to your point of power equation being present in rape, and i understand it well being a student of Political Science. But, yet i wont agree that lust isnt behind rapes. Rape is an expression of lust which takes place where the power structure is skewed. But at the very base of all intellectually stimulating arguments behind rapes lies a very simple thing called Lust.I agree that power structure is a necessary condition for rape to take place, but it definitely wont take place if the man has no lust for the subject.
P.S – I agree that as a 20yr old, my views might not just be perfect, noone’s are. And hence dont take any offence of anything. Im always happy to be corrected. I just wanted to squeeze out my views from within me on such a sensitive topic and hence i did through this forum. Further views will be gladly accepted.
ironic you chose to remain ‘anonymous’…so much for freedom of expression and blah blah…
It is amusing that the author of this post makes big statements, but not only does she not have the honesty or courage to lend her name to her sayings, and decides to hide the veil of ‘anonymous’, but when this is pointed out by a reader in a comment, the comment gets deleted!
So much for ‘freedom’, ‘awaaz’, blah blah…
well written but shouldnt have been anonymous. please share with us your name so that we know who we are sharing our thoughts with.
Brilliant piece.
Regarding the comments, I don’t understand why the notion of control has been brought forward, the author writes about being able to buy a condom or talk about sex freely and not about throwing oneself at another forcibly. There is a huge difference between socially expressing sexual desires and rape! She talks about having space to share such things and I don’t understand how it is inappropriate. Also, given that a man has the freedom to do the same (and I am sorry if I am generalizing, but I see this happening all around me, and I live in India myself) why can’t I? Of course, we are all entitled to our own opinions in the social sphere, but I think the core idea we need to look into is that of choice – the freedom of exercising choice.
Again I guess that would explain why the author maintains anonymity, its her choice. Rather, I think it actually facilitates the social inhibitions the author talks about, how she ‘wants’ something but ‘cant.
that’s d truth nd that’s how our society is….
u cn change one bt the wall is hard to brk… u cn definately make ur point nd convince bt wen it cms to prac experience… 99% people chicken out….
regarding the article its a fact….
thought provoking and brilliant piece of writing ….for man they say he is a stud if he sleeps with many girls and girls are slut if they do the same this mentality need to be challenge
Its equally not right on men’s part too. I know this happens, and in today’s world in even “C” class cities, both sexes, have means are are doing it to satisfy their urges, with the shield of boyfriend, beloved, intimate friend, C2C, swapping etc. The problem is respect, not what you are stating. Yes, I also do admit its a male dominating society, so the participating male should be discreet about it and should respect the social security of a women and must be there for all needs, be it a contraceptive pill or rubber. I’m confident enough, girls in today’s scenario are equally familiar with words like orgasm, cum, 3sum and 4sum etc. for which i have no issues at all. And yes, I’ve been amazed to the porn collection they have. If we sum up the ratio of storage, i thing the total GB consumption summing up all males and all females in India would be 50:50. Lastly. MAN is not society, there are black sheeps in every community, so you just cannot hit every man with same sentences. And I give this responsibility, (for social reasons) that they should respect their partners, respect the act and should not take such desires of other partner in any other way, but purely biologically natural way.
the change has to start from within us first. what is the society… even we are a part of it. its not like we are innocent bystanders. we pass comments too. why call someone a slut just because she chooses to be sexually active. the change will come only when we start accepting the fact that someone’s sexually life is their’s only and we don’t have the right to speculate or label them because of that…
I agree with the author on certain points and don’t in certain other, when she says in the society one should be free, irrespective of their gender, to discuss there sex life ( obviously with a right kind of audience ) i completely agree, I fail to understand why this taboo , but regarding the prerogative, I myself don’t see having sex with multiple partners as my prerogative, but again it is a matter of personal choice ( and yes it doesn’t make one slut )
Again in matters of one’s sexual activity i find it really intrusive of others being bothered by it, that is definitely one’s choice, if and when to be sexually active..
Dear Author, I fully endorse your thoughts that one should not have qualms about her/his sexual desires. It can be discussed among peers or among those with whom we share a camaraderie. But not giving your name represents the hypocrisy. I don’t know may be if it is uneasy for a women to share her sexual instincts on a public forum under her name, but I do respect your thoughts and hopes to see a change in perception of the individuals which this article is meant for.
जिस्म की भूख, जिस्म की भूख,— चिल्लाते हो तुम, क्युकि शायद तुमने अभी पेट की भूख के सन्नाटे को सुना नहीं है
you wanna talk freely about buying condoms and contraceptives… there are people on this planet who don’t have the luxary of buying pen, pencil and copy… even heard of them my dear friend ?
You wanna talk about sex education, adultery and multiple partners …..I think talking about female foeticide, child mortality, malnutrition, dowry and inter-cast marriage is more interesting….
You go to these fancy food plazas n struggle to dig out the most delicious and calorie free items from them menu, oh friend, there are people in this world who struggle to get even one meal a day….. Have u ever read about them ?
You want to sit on a table with men and women and discuss your sex life… the orgasm which u r talking about is lowest form of orgasm… I think discussing poverty, progress and prosperity is highly orgasmic….. Have u ever experienced that ?
You want as much as freedom as your so called “men” possess….plz don’t ask for it…. They are the ugliest creature of this planet… you guyz are far better, beautiful, simple and stronger than them…. and there are chances that when you will achieve that so called freedom, u will become as ugly as they are right now…. I don’t think it’s a Good deal
jism ki bhookh, jism ki bhookh— chillate ho tum, kyuki shayad tumne abhi pet ki bhookh k sannnate ko suna nahi hai…
I think u r suffering from a disorder called impotent intelligentia…….have you ever had a post-mortem of your conscience?
P.S.- sorry, I cudn’t resist coz my urge is far more deeper than your’s..
These comments disgust me.
At the base of each one of them lies stigma, and an unwillingness, explicit or implicit, to recognize women as sexual individuals.
As for Amit for peace, sir, you’re a political science student, yet you fail to recognize the importance of an individual of a society. Buddhism says that society is created by human beings, and thus is alterable through human action. We create, we change. It is at our liberty. The “because society says so” is the WORST argument you can provide right after “Morality”. Morality and society, they are subjective entities that change, should be changed. Spitting in public isn’t exactly right, is it? So would it be so terrible for us to change that? Gay marriage was illegal till 2009, we changed them. Gave a section of our society the basic right to marriage. We changed for the better.
So I’m a woman, tomorrow I may want to have sex with a man who I’m not married to, or hell, not even in a relationship with. That does not make me some sort of a mindless person who will go on to commit adultery (although here i can go and say, if the couple is ok with sex outside marriage who are we to object). I do not turn barbaric and mindless because i fulfill my cravings. Sex is a part of my being, my sexuality is my right.
And as for Vivek, you smart person, the author is not saying there isn’t poverty. Do we neglect other rights and liberties because of poverty? Are those to mutually exclusive? Just because I campaign to let women have sexual liberty, I say, oh let us have the rest of the country stinking with poverty and desolation? How is that even relevant? I might just have orgasms one night then wake up and draft a law for compulsory minimum wage, sir. Let us not be so smart here, really.
These comments disgust me.
At the base of each one of them lies stigma, and an unwillingness, explicit or implicit, to recognize women as sexual individuals.
As for Amit for peace, sir, you’re a political science student, yet you fail to recognize the importance of an individual of a society. Buddhism says that society is created by human beings, and thus is alterable through human action. We create, we change. It is at our liberty. The “because society says so” is the WORST argument you can provide right after “Morality”. Morality and society, they are subjective entities that change, should be changed. Spitting in public isn’t exactly right, is it? So would it be so terrible for us to change that? Gay marriage was illegal till 2009, we changed them. Gave a section of our society the basic right to marriage. We changed for the better.
So I’m a woman, tomorrow I may want to have sex with a man who I’m not married to, or hell, not even in a relationship with. That does not make me some sort of a mindless person who will go on to commit adultery (although here i can go and say, if the couple is ok with sex outside marriage who are we to object). I do not turn barbaric and mindless because i fulfill my cravings. Sex is a part of my being, my sexuality is my right.
And as for Vivek, you smart person, the author is not saying there isn’t poverty. Do we neglect other rights and liberties because of poverty? Are those to mutually exclusive? Just because I campaign to let women have sexual liberty, I say, oh let us have the rest of the country stinking with poverty and desolation? How is that even relevant? I might just have orgasms one night then wake up and draft a law for compulsory minimum wage, sir. Let us not be so smart here, really.