By Abha Gosavi:
Hate working out? Wish to silence the blaring guilty conscience when you snooze the alarm every morning and postpone the ‘morning’ walk to evening? Want really good, scientifically proven reasons why you can eat chai-samosa at the canteen in the evening instead of taking that postponed ‘morning’ walk? If the answers to all above are yes, yeah, hell yeah! Or even a ‘maybe’, then read on. For those ignorant and clichéd people who want to stay fit, there are several misleading blogs about being healthy; peruse them. For the former group of people, here are reasons why you guys should not work out. (Statutory Warning: The following content is loaded with sarcasm)
1) You spend more money working out:
Working out involves a lot of expenditure. You need to buy running shoes, running clothes, gear etc. If you don’t possess a drive to run by yourself, you need to get a gym membership or enroll in some kind of yoga/tai-chi/aerobics/zumba class. All these are nothing but money-minting businesses. You need to stay mentally strong and prevent any sweet-talking fit person from inducing you to be a part of this sham. Avoid working out and save money.
2) You jeopardize the employment of many innocent people:
Poor dear doctors work really hard for over eight years to become really skilled cardiologists and orthopedic surgeons. If you exercise regularly, you might end up having a healthy heart and strong bones. Just imagine that! No heart attacks or spinal problems! What will the poor doctors do then? Where will they seek employment? In the blasted gyms? No! We can’t let that happen.
Also, healthier people imply longer lives. The undertakers and coffin manufacturers will go really slow in business. It is the responsibility of every citizen to encourage employment. So, moral of the story- stay sloth, avoid unemployment.
3) You endanger your marriage/relationship:
Most of the people don’t realize this insidious malicious little imp that working out gives birth to. If you and your partner workout independently, this reason is the most important. Jogging tracks and gyms are full of really hot and sweaty attractive tempters and temptresses. When your partner or you might fall victim to these temptations you may never realize. If you wish to save your relationship, avoid the whole exercise routine like plague.
4) You endanger your safety:
If you are or have a young daughter, pay special attention. The streets are full of really bad guys. Running around in shorts, track-pants, whatever, could attract unnecessary attention from the depraved dregs of the society. Resulting eve-teasing can cause you mental distress. So, girls and their mamas bothered about safety, avoid workout altogether. Spend your time in safe places like pizza, burger and coffee parlours.
5) You end up buying too many clothes:
Let us assume you have turned a deaf ear to all the above reasons and continued regular exercise. Now you should be prepared for the aftermath of your mistake. If working out makes you lose weight and reduce by several inches, you need to buy new clothes that fit better. This means more expenditure and even more wastage of old clothes. Waste generation in this time of global waste-disposal crisis is a near crime. Think twice about the earth before you exercise the next time.
6) You are insulting technology:
By working out and sweating, you are insulting technology. Technology strives to make our lives easy and comfortable. It has given us machines that require minimum human interference, cars that are fully automated, smart houses that maintain themselves and so many other things that make our imaginations boggle. And yet, humans are so ungrateful that they try to cycle to work instead of using cars. Rude and insolent, they take the stairs instead of using the state of art elevators. All this is sheer insult and thanklessness towards technology. We need to start showing some respect for the technology that has given us everything. Stop trying the healthy rudimentary way of living; use technology and make your life simpler.
Healthy living includes not only regular exercise but also nutritious food. Nutritious food is not only difficult to prepare but also rare to come across. There are so many fast food places that offer cheap, easy and convenient junk food. If you shun these places to attain health through healthy food, you will throw a spanner in working of the country’s largest food industry. Not only that, many young college students working at these places to repay their education loans will be unemployed. Now, you can’t really let that happen. What is the big loss if you don’t eat healthy? At least you are salvaging the fast food industry and helping encourage college education.
8) You are violating the rules of physics:
Now we have all been to high school. We know all about inertia and the 1st law of motion: “A body continues to remain in its state of rest or of continuous motion unless acted upon by an external unbalanced force.” By exercising and running, you are leaving your state of rest, thus violating the most important law in physics. If you wish to leave your state of rest, at least try to maintain a state of continuous motion. That obviously is not possible. So respect physics and never leave your state of rest.
9) You are interfering in the working of the greater subconscious:
Many students of the mind believe that the human soul connects with the global subconscious while we are sleeping. This connection is believed to bring about all the positive effects in our life. When we get up in the morning and go for a run, we are disturbing the workings of the soul of the cosmos, of the global subconscious. This is really short of committing a heinous crime. I believe we should refrain from interfering in matters above our level. Get that 8 hour sleep without nosing around in the affairs of the higher subconscious.
10) You are accelerating Global Warming:
If all the above reasons failed to deter you, this one definitely will. Global Warming is making life dwindle out of Mother Earth. It is our social and moral responsibility to reduce our carbon footprint and carbon dioxide emissions. Now if you still don’t get how working out increases CO2 emissions, here’s an explanation for the dummies. When we work out, jog or run, our breathing rate increases. Our calories get burnt or oxidized. An increased demand for oxygen in the body means higher intake of air and subsequent higher expulsion of carbon dioxide. And voila! You suddenly turn into a chimney that puts CO2 in the air faster than you could say eat a cheeseburger! So guys, be rational, be conscientious, avoid exercise and prevent Global Warming.
I sincerely hope all my above reasons have put enough sense in your mind. In spite of all these, if you still want to grab those running shoes and exercise regularly, only God can help you. For those sensible enough to understand to harm of working out; wish you a happy painful death from obesity! Cheers!