By Tanaya Singh:
Ever heard of a universe with more than one centre? Mine has two, and trust me; the feeling is scarier than the sound of it.
I am 26. Luck and fate, are two incomprehensible words for me; everything that has ever happened to me till today is all because of me; it’s all inside; I am my future. How can two small words be responsible for the things that I wanted and the ones I was trying to eschew away from? If these words ever had something to do with me, I’ll have to say that luck has always been in my favour and fate is unable to keep secrets from me; so no surprises on my way.
I don’t pray but I believe in His existence. I am attracted to the beauty of traditional rituals and prayers. The vibrant colours, the shimmering lights, the loud chants and the essence of beliefs; together they help me curb the storm within. So here I am, sitting in the super holy city of Banaras, on the banks of Ganges. I don’t have a reason for being here and not with my family back home. I guess being alone in a crowd is the best place to think. And I happen to have a lot of things to think about; things which can only be thought of and about which nothing can be done. Love being one of them.
“Love” is the most important part of my life–the centre of my universe. If I talk to somebody who is just an acquaintance, I’d say that I fell in love when I was 21, but our relationship did not work out and I got married to someone else last year. But a few people, who know me better, are familiar with the original story. And me being me, the few people are just the two centres I was talking about. Sharing thoughts is a very difficult thing for me but a time of brim- over definitely comes. That’s when I found myself at a strange place clacking out the turbulence inside.
I met Varun in the last year of college. He was working in the same city and we were introduced through a mutual friend. Sounds like the most common story ever, right? Back then, it was a very omnipresent thing for me too. We met; talked, met again, liked talking and everything was normal. The only weird fact being this: I was in love and I wasn’t aware of it. I can’t say that I know when exactly I fell for him, but it seems like forever now– A perfect Bollywood dialogue. But perfect endings happen to stories in the perfect world. Mine, is not one.
Friends, lovers, acquaintances, colleagues, relatives, fiancés, in-laws….and a million other names; every relation has a proper noun to tell people what exactly you are to each other.
‘I don’t love him! We are just friends!!!!’–Absolute rubbish. Since when did we stop loving our friends? Why is it so important to name every single feeling? I love Varun. He is more than a friend but less than a lover. Now where do we place such emotions? Is there any way of walking past crossroads? When will we get over the absolute need of forced relations? If some of us don’t understand this notion, then why is it considered something wrong?
I know now that Varun had feelings for me which had a definite stand. He wanted to spend his life with me. When talking about Varun I considered myself the luckiest woman on earth because he understood me more than I understand myself. He knew I loved him, but he also knew that the fabric of our thoughts was totally different. He was the one who introduced me to myself. He said “I love you” with the ease of saying “good morning” and I knew I loved him back. But I did not have a name for my feelings back then, neither do I have now.
I am married to a guy who made me believe the meant-for- each- other theory. I met him last year and knew since the first time we talked, that I wanted him to be there. I have a husband I wished for. The decision of spending my life with him is perhaps the easiest decision I ever took. When Varun met him, he was absolutely confident about us being happy together. And I couldn’t ask for more. The two centres of my universe; together concerned about making it a better place to be in. They too, share a relationship that is stuck at crossroads. Nobody will ever understand how they can be friends….if ‘friendship’ is what you name their state.
This reminds me of my favourite scene from the movie Eclipse; when Edward tells Bella that “she” loves Jacob. Bella replies by saying that she loves ‘him’ more and all Edward had to say then was, “I know”.
So you can consider me vampire-lucky (if you have seen the movie) because that is precisely how the two centres of my universe let me be the centre of theirs.”
And because such relationships do not have names, I do not have words. All I had for you was this story. The story of some girl you might know. Look around and look within, if you do find her, just let her be happy. So if you agreed with me on the first article of this series about the confusions in relations, I’ll leave you confused yet again. If nameless is the way they are meant to be to the world, let these spirits be alive in the hearts of those who have the passion to leave the names behind.
“I love you” he said,
Just before the final call….
And the spark in those eyes…
Were the brightest of all.
No answer was needed,
No questions were asked….
“Always be the way you are”….
Was all he wished for.
I don’t have the will, neither the desire….
They are jealous, they are on fire.
This does not have a name and they’ll always curse….
‘Cause I have two centres for my universe.