“I am gay and it has been a roller-coaster ride”

Posted on February 20, 2012 in LGBTQ

By Eddy Shankar:

Sorry do I feel every day for my soul which howled in solitude, sorry do I feel for my heart which broke in despair, for my mouth which couldn’t speak the words, for the eyes which could not see what they longed for. Sorry, indeed. But, proud I am for the way it has been, sorry only for those who could not behold.

Have you ever looked at the moon and drenched yourself in its overwhelming white? Have you ever been in a crowd and yet felt that you are alone? Have you ever felt the world shrinking to one person? If yes, then you have certainly been in love.

I have loved.

I have felt Disney’s Chip and Dale’s jumping and dancing in my tummy.

Yet my story is different. Very different for reasons of my being gay, for reasons that I could not express myself in the years of my past, for the society and its hypocritical laws, for all those who can’t bear love let alone hate, my story has been different. I am Gay. I have always been, and I like it this way.

(Here I am not going to dispel misconceptions surrounding homosexuality. I think enough information is already available over the internet. I hope the media will be helpful in clearing all your doubts or educating you in the first place. I write as a social commentator and would like to be excused for anything which might possibly be perceived as implicitly offensive.)

Often as social animals we tend to solemnly and brazenly defend some identities in our lives. But mostly, in my opinion, these identities aren’t solely ours. We fight for our religion, our nation, our language, our culture, and much more. But in the din of fanatic fundamentalisms we forget to fight for ourselves- as individuals, as men who have a right to life and a free will. This fight, I must add, is not limited to just sexual identities, though in my words here I shall be focusing on the same.

We forget that we have a duty towards ourselves, towards the multitude of emotions we feel. I do not advocate a breach of social contract- wherein we give up certain of our rights as free (read isolated) people to stay in the fabric of society. However, we should certainly check when we are overdoing for the society and undermining ourselves. Each one of us has a distinct discretion for the above which should be exercised freely.

I am gay and it has been a roller-coaster ride. It is really tough to understand yourself when you know, unfortunately at a very naïve and tender age, that things are not going to be all jolly and smooth for you. Every one of us, heterosexuals and homosexuals alike, goes through a phase of understanding which involves imbibing certain changes associated with the post-puberty period. But this period rather becomes very stressful for those who cannot conform to the gender identity which is assigned to them by the society. The society scoffs at those who fail to conform to its expectations. The society creates an environment of moral righteousness, and this view, which is rather stupid, funny and hypocritical, is defended by the epitome of human philosophy- his religions and her politics.

Humankind is not an entity on its own. The entity and stakeholder of any life is the individual and not the aggregate of community. The right to life and pursuit of happiness is more important than any other social doctrine. The society exists for the individual, and not otherwise. So when the Delhi High Court favored decriminalization of consensual homosexual acts between adults on 2nd July 2009, it did what is required by rational minds, safeguarding the right of man to his life. “If there is one constitutional tenet that can be said to be underlying theme of the Indian Constitution, it is that of ‘inclusiveness’. This Court believes that Indian Constitution reflects this value deeply ingrained in Indian society, nurtured over several generations.The inclusiveness that Indian society traditionally displayed, literally in every aspect of life, is manifest in recognizing a role in society for everyone. Those perceived by the majority as ‘deviants’ or ‘different’ are not on that score excluded or ostracized.” – Honorable high court of the NCT of Delhi in Naz foundation v/s NCT of Delhi case.

Coming back, I am gay. It has been a tough life with its share of small sweet serendipity and I am sick and tired of the moral hypocrisy of the society. All I ever wanted is a life in which I, and millions of others like me, have never to come out. Not even to ourselves. That is it. I am not over-demanding. I might be asking too much from the world but we all fantasize, don’t we?

Come out in the open. Tell us your story. Mail us at info@youthkiawaaz.com. Anonymity (if required) will be ensured.