By Zohra Dawoodani:
I had been a victim of domestic violence for 3 years till one day I decided that my life was more precious than my husband’s false commitments of improving after every episode of violence. I understood that this is not an invidualistic behaviour but it is a well studied illness that all domestic abusers follow — a cycle of “Hit and Love” in which the victim is fooled to believe that the love behind the torture is worth staying back in the relationship. What we victims fail to understand is:-
- We are their punching bags and no one else will take their torture, so these tormentors will never let their victims leave. They will do everything under the sun to convince you that they have improved. It can be begging for forgiveness in your and your parents’ feet, crying, calling up all your closed ones to convince you, buying you gifts, showing extra love and care and accepting that they have an issue but they love you too much and will improve.
- If the tormentor fools you, you tend to flow with it and thus you believe his promises inspite of knowing that this is not the first time he is hitting you after making a promise to never do so
- As much as they are at fault to hit you or abuse you, you are also at fault to take his torture. There would be not Victimizer if there would be no Victim. So stop sympathizing with yourself and instead feel ashamed for not standing up for your own respect.
- Talk to your parents, his parents and your close friends. Let everyone know that he has a issue so that they can advice you and him.
- Talk to your partner in front of people he will listen to, and make him realize that he needs professional help and counseling/therapy to work on himself and that you are not going to stay in the relationship if he doesn’t improve. This is important as the victim is taken for granted since he is weak and this never brings seriousness in the tormentor for improvement.
- Be prepared to leave him and go back to your parent’s house with pride and not guilt. You have to be proud to take a bold step for protection of your respect. There is nothing more important than that.
- Living with a person who practices domestic violence can lead to giving birth to generations of such mentally sick people as children learn from parents and believe this is right. Thus, stand for yourself and save many lives.
- If he is willing to take professional help please monitor him for a few years before taking a decision of going back in the relationship. Closely observe his behavior and check for suppressed anger. Do the smallest of things still blow up his anger? If yes, he is not ready yet.
- Life is larger than that one person in your life whose mercy you have to live on. Move on with life and you will find solace in the freedom from the clutches of violence. Your soul will rejoice in this happiness you have lost. You will never regret leaving the person who snatched it all away. And when you are prepared to live life with dignity and not sympathy, shall attract the right partner who will nurture you with the love and respect you deserve…
[box bg=”#fdf78c” color=”#000″]About the author:
The author is working as a Business head in a MNC market research firm.[/box]