Woman, you are the creation of the Lord for patience and endurance. You are like the sea of silence and submission is your virtue. However, the Lord has been deeply disturbed upon knowing that you have started to become a rebel and are attracting all forms of trouble because of your behaviour. Therefore, the Almighty, along with his favourite disciple, Sir Yo Yo Honey Singh has laid down The Ten Commandments that you must adhere to:
1) Thou shall make sure that you are a peace-loving and law-abiding citizen of Bharat, that holy and divine place where women are treated like Goddesses if they religiously follow certain rules imposed upon them. That Bharat where the mind is without fear and the head is held high and where great men like Mohan Bhagwat impart sermons for unenlightened beings such as yourself. Don’t ape the west blindly, only Indians do that.
2) Thou shall not move out of your place of dwelling that is situated in Bharat, after 8 pm in the evening. The stars are out at that time and they certainly are inauspicious and that might force the mighty male to believe that you are a harlot who is looking for her client. Promiscuous women do not get raped, they always ask for ‘it’.
3) Thou shall not wear clothing that ends anywhere above the knee because the exposed flesh tends to scream “Come and get me now” thereby forcing several wieners to go up in the air. Thou shall also make sure that your grandmothers and baby girls are dressed modestly lest they be branded as provocative and bear the consequences.
4) Thou shall not paint your face in order to transform yourself into a ‘shundori’ otherwise that wise man called Abhijit Mukherjee, who hails from the land which belongs to an even wiser lady will have all the right to label your character as dented. You should withdraw all your protests; after all, it is the son of a president asking you to do so.
5) Thou shall grace the hands of your rapist with the sacred thread which is also known as ‘Rakhi’ and confer him the coveted title of ‘bhaiya’ so that he can protect your honour by taking it away from you and safeguarding it somewhere inside the all-powerful and grand phallus that he was born with. Please make sure that you only invest your money in ‘Bapu Brand Rakhis’ as it is the most durable and reliable name in the market, after all it has Mr Narendra Modi as its brand ambassador.
6) Thou shall put in every possible effort to avoid crossing your limits else, the men who belong to that mammoth organization called the ‘Moral Police’ will transform into Ravanas, the symbol of everything that is supposed to be evil and carry you away. You are merely a mammal, so it is blasphemous for you to go astray and if you do so, you have no option but to undergo the fire test. Please refer to commandment numbers 2 and 3 as they are closely related to this one.
7) Thou shall not dance to your heart’s content during weddings despite possessing the talent that can give Munni and Sheila a run for their money. You see, marriages in Bharat are an utmost sacred affair, the sanctity of which will be questioned if you shake your booty and provoke these men to believe that you want them to stick their bodies to your gyrating self, fevicol se.
8) Now that the ultimate goal of your life is to get married and devote yourself to your Godlike husband, thou shall do everything possible to avoid feeding him vile things such as chowmein, especially when you grow old and start losing your charm. It will only boost his libido and force him to go and rape those several subversive Indian girls. What if she does not have a ‘Bapu Brand Rakhi’ when it is needed? Horror of horrors, the wise men from the Khap Panchayat, might just force him to marry the girl. Always remember that our ‘Sir Jesus’, who Katrina Kaif blindly believes in, once said that polygamy is a sin.
9) Thou shall stay away from mobile phones as much as you can. You see, when these contraptions come in contact with the delicate skin of a female, they tend to emanate signals that force the invincible male to believe that the girl is asking for it and it is his duty to satisfy her carnal desires.
10) Thou shall make sure that you save Arnab Goswami’s number on speed dial. If you happen to be in India, especially in the capital, the Delhi police is usually too pre-occupied in deliberating as to which particular station is responsible for taking down the report of a rape. So if you land in trouble and have no ‘Bapu Brand Rakhi’ to save yourself, this is the only man who can come to your rescue as he is the messiah, the all-powerful male who can move the nation to provide you with an answer. Unlike the Delhi police, you can always count on him to be “aapke saath, aapke liye”.
Since Bharatiya people love everything that comes free, here is the 11th commandment (11 is also an auspicious number for Bharatwasis):
11) From now onward, thou shall kill every girl before she sees the light of day because the best way to avoid rape is to avoid being a female.