By Lata Jha:
The world and its wisest shrinks are willing to offer insights on actor Jiah Khan’s suicide. Whether the girl was inherently volatile and prone to self destruction or if it were the combined disastrous effects of a career going nowhere and a personal life that was in the dumps that ultimately did her in, is something I doubt we’d ever really know. Like a lot of cases involving public figures, I believe the details are secrets she took to her grave. In a world where any sort of failure is seen as a sign of worthless existence, you can’t really blame her for succumbing to the pressures of not being able to, let’s say, ‘make much of life’.
Self pity is a very dangerous emotion. It’s the closest you can come to of accepting defeat. When you yourself feel like there isn’t a way out, that it’s as bad as it can possibly get, that is when you’re not leading life on your own terms, but on the dictates of those who find it convenient and cool to look down on you.
Be it career or relationships, it’s the feeling of not being able to face the world that does it. You sauntered into it with the poise of a saint, made all the huge promises, believed indisputably in yourself and then for no fault of yours, it just didn’t work out. More than grief, it’s about the feelings of regret, guilt and embarrassment. The inability to walk with your chin up any longer, to take things in your stride and say ‘So what if it didn’t work out?’
Most psychologists will have you know that failure in any form, suppresses the life in us. Moving on is easier said than done. More so, because seldom there is that one point when you realize it can’t work anymore, that it’s not even worth trying. Further effort is a waste of time. And unlike the movies, you don’t wake up to a sunny morning the next day where you seek a new beginning.
I suspect Jiah and other people like her who chose to give in found themselves facing odds of embarrassment and guilt that were too insurmountable. I believe she once told a friend that every time she went out in public, she felt people were staring at her, accusing her of being a failure.
I don’t think any of us believes she didn’t have it in her. Of course she did. But like many others, forgive her for being so incredibly human. Forgive her for not being able to chase away the demon within her that tormented her. Forgive her for feeling sorry for herself.