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Dear Mom And Dad, Please Don’t Save For Your Daughter. I’ll Manage On My Own.

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By Mani Agarwal:

In many Indian families, birth of a girl is considered as an auspicious occasion and often termed as “Lakshmi ka aagman”. I wonder whether people actually mean it or they say it just to “console” the family in which the girl is born. It’s a well-known fact that the major “drain out” of money, takes place at the time of her weeding. For some it’s a burden, for some it’s their duty, and some consider themselves fortunate enough and enjoy every bit of it .No matter how liberal, educated and modern a family is, every parent believes in “saving” for their daughters to ensure they get a nice boy. The more you save the more you can demand for in the boy’s curriculum vitae; this is the mantra.


It’s not their fault; the society has always been like that. Far from being made in heaven, marriages are now made on paychecks. Above all, we girls feel excited about the “grand” wedding our parents plan for us. I don’t think that things will change in the near future but certainly, we girls can do our bit. We receive education, we fight for our rights, we fight against injustice and we demand our independence; then why don’t we do something for those who gave us a chance to live in this world. Why don’t we pledge to attain such heights where no extra saving is needed for us to get “settled”! Why don’t we tell our parents that we will not get married until we achieve something in life on our own according to our capabilities .Why don’t we tell them that we love them and they should not worry for us, ask them to stand behind us, support us and we will manage on our own.

It’s not only about those daughters whose parents can’t manage to save for them but equally applies for those who are very much self-sufficient. Why don’t daughters from well to do families realize that apart from spending their parents earnings profligately, they also have a duty towards them. Of course, parents will not tell us to do so. It’s our responsibility towards them. We should realize that parents are not there just to ensure that we live our life happily and to the fullest, they also have a life and the freedom to live and enjoy it as they like. They also have likes and dreams. Why should they spend their lives in making our lives better? Haven’t they given us enough opportunities to make it better ourselves?

Unless daughters realize that they are more than something that needs such “constant bulwark”, the society has been like this and will remain so. Have the courage to reject that clout not for anyone else but your own parents.

You must be to comment.
  1. pavan

    I agree with you 100 percent….Many girls condemn males takes dowry and marry.I have not seen a single who speak.that “I will marry a guy who do not take dowry”.If men do not change ,the change should come from opposite sex,that is girl should firmly stand on “I am not going to marry by giving dowry”

  2. Orion Champadiyil

    Excellent read! It is time to break these so called ‘normal things’ the society has been building and imposing on us. See… Unless marriages aren’t celebrated in a posh way with a lot of glamor, diamonds and money involved how would jewellery giants survive? So they go ahead and make colorful ads that tells us that unless you’re clad in gold and stones, your marriage is incomplete. And if women stand up strong following what has been said in the write-up, that would be a dream come true.

  3. gangadhar

    Very true. Women should take a stand that they do not want to give dowry.

    Btw, this post feels a little outdated than current gen. There are many men/boys in current gen who donot want dowry.. and not just that they do not want her to get anything even in terms of gifts from her house.. but for such men the woman simply tortures his selfrespect by bringing them in forcefully.

    1. Mani

      gangadhar : feels good to here from someone that the post is outdated. Hope this outdated mindset spread among younger generation like wild fire.

  4. karti

    those who want d change, BE THE CHANGE!! im in!

  5. Gaurav

    Let us be practical here.Half of women folks or more in our country are still considered a burden because they simply do not have any skills to earn their livelihood since they were not among the fortunate souls who managed to get into schools and colleges and receive Education.Why do you think dowry is prevalent ? Dowry is simply a trade off to accept this burden as Father passes it off to a new man or so called protector or Son-in-law.

    So what could be solution with such a sorry and gloomy state of affairs ? I am no big thinker or something alike , but I guess , There are few steps that can help a lot. First of all , Educate your girls to the best of your capacity( Level of education support can vary significantly depending on family finances and willingness to support the extent of education) this is the best that can be done so that girls have a skill to earn and contribute to the family life financially , educationally in all possible ways.

    Second step could be , to ensure property right to girl child and this is very important. Please ensure that a girl child is given her due in the family property .. and it is not merely divided among brothers but among siblings. It helps your daughter better than dowry for two reasons …. if something goes wrong in her life ( divorce, death of husband etc) she has some sort of economic security , and second the demand for dowry would subside from groom`s family since they know that Girl has a share of property in her name. Despite these two steps already having been taken care of , if there is still a demand for dowry from groom side ….. thats not the family you should get your daughter married into. Period

    So all reading Brothers , Fathers and Mothers ….. Please do not expect others to treat your daughters or sisters lovingly , if you do not treat her with justice at your home. Practice it before your preach to others.

  6. Amit Dwivedi

    Hi Mani,

    You raised a great issue which already influenced in all Indian family. If we want to change the orthodox things, we will have to change ourselves. Only opinion sharing and thinking process is not enough. We will have to implement recommended suggestion with our family and society, then only we can think further.

  7. KAJAL

    this letter describes how we daughters r no more liability to our parents….we r th real assets to our parents…we can never hurt them….my dad is proud of me…n m lucky to have such a great dad…i love u dad…

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