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Stay Away From Boys Until We Force You To Sleep With One: The Fate Of A 20 Something Indian Girl

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By Ojaswini Srivastava:

Are you are an Indian girl in your early twenties? Do you know what is going to happen in the next four years or so? Yes, you do know it. And you also know that your fate is kind of unfair, unexplained and yet you will not protest. Even I won’t, because we are raised in such a way that we don’t ask questions, we just accept silently. Samuel Beckett said, “When you are up to your neck in shit, all you can do is sing”. This probably is the best way we young Indian ladies can describe our fate.

Freedom without fear

We all know that one fine morning, we will get up and our parents will ask us to get ready, take a tray, pour six cups of tea and enter the living hall to meet our groom. Today, just a few years back, we are vulnerable. They expect us to stay miles away from every boy who comes across. They are over protective, they won’t let us go anywhere all alone. But one fine day we will just grow up so much that we will have to go and live with absolutely new people, a stranger, and spend all our life there with them. No, I am not saying that our opinions are not asked for, we surely are asked about our choice. They do ensure our comfort and compatibility (luckily we have at-least developed that much). But I am openly critical of the unreasonable manner in which we are suddenly expected to grow up, and go away, live our own life, among strangers. We are the pampered princess of our families, protected from every streak of what is considered “societally wrong”, and suddenly one day we are forced into new relationships and situations that have been totally covered before. We spend our life curtained from the “bad world”, because we are daughters of the family.

I don’t know who I should address my question to. This is a major question in itself. What I seek an answer to is why even in this 21st century, we are still the weaker sex, who needs to be protected, covered, guided and directed for all their lives. Why can’t we openly choose our partners, speak of it to our parents. We have voting rights, right to have sex, right to drink, and yet we don’t have the right to choose for our own life partner? Why? Why is it a taboo? A girl expected to grow up in just one day is right but learning and growing up gradually is wrong? Why?

Also read: The 20s And The Big M: Why Is Marriage Supposed To Be The Zenith Of A Girl’s Existence?

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  1. PS

    Full of feels the article is, but Samuel Bucket? Really?

    1. Nilachal

      Who is stopping you? Just do what you want. Its your life.

  2. Rachit Kulshrestha

    Hey Ojaswini,

    Nice to see that you have grown enough to comment on the state of women in the country. I still have your image as a toddler playing around in our apartment complex.

    It is a good article which shows the concern that you might have with respect to choosing your life partner. A good beginning and definitely a very good end which left me thinking about the issues that you raised through this article.

    I may not be a good critic, but there are a few things that I may disagree with. My dear, it is a ‘Bad World’. Let’s not think about a few years back, let’s think about some years in advance. Being a parent, can you keep a tab on your kids. In this city, where a parent is unaware of their child’s doings, where they are going, what they are doing. Is he/she old enough to drink or whether they are taking drugs or just driving at 150-160 kmph just to get the feel of it. They don’t know if their son is part of a gang, is a drug peddler, a roadside romeo, or a rapist.

    We simply don’t know, if the next person we meet on the road is worth trusting or not. This is one of the things that our parents know, and they trust their instincts for it and that’s why all the restrictions. Like you pointed out, your choice is asked for, which is a change brought about by education. Bringing about any change is a slow and steady process. It will come and the scenario will change, we as the youth will bring that change. But before that ‘we’ need to change. The youth needs to change.

    Are we just supposed to be aggressive sportsperson, fearless soldiers and go-getter businessmen? Shouldn’t we respect our parents, abide the law, respect fellow citizens, the basics of living in a society. Yes, women are considered to be the ‘weaker sex’ and it is very literal in its meaning. And that is the reason, girls are treated as princesses, by the parents and by the brothers, protected from every streak of what is considered “societally wrong”.

    We as children expect our parents to trust us with our decisions, but do we give them any reason to trust us. They have good experience of good or bad, and no matter what, we will always be their children and they will always worry about us, even when we are their age and planning our daughter’s marriage.

    That’s how parents are and trust me when we become parents we will be the same, unless we bring in a change in the society. The youth has to understand its duties and help bring a change where a parent has no fear for his/her daughter, no distrust on his/her son.

  3. shalini

    Great thoughts put into
    the greatest words ..Well done !!

  4. Saubhagya Dubey

    Miss Ojaswini
    I don’t agree with you in totality. The points you mentioned about liberating women in the society are well aid but I disagree with you on some terms. First of all as it is said in every religion of the world that PARENTS ARE YOUR SUPREME WELL WISHERS I would like to draw your attention to the point that the world out there is not safe. And in order to know the kind of people you want to be with you need to experiment or say you need to know them. But who knows what type of person he or she may be , Parents act as a refiner they help you be with better people and the help you choose the right person to be with I am not telling that this happens in all the cases. I also acknowledge the orthodox attitude of some parents when they get to know about the choices made by their daughters.

    But Miss with due respect I would like to tell you that parents don’t want to get rid of you. Because when you were born they cared and nourished you, when you were ill they woke up nights to look after you and when you fell from the bicycle they rushed to pick you up. And the day they choose some one to marry you , they secure all they aspects that you will be happy with that person. I know as youngsters we tend to fall into abstract terms of FRIENDSHIP , LOVE and TRUST but in reality we know that all these relationships can come to an end , But the relationship between a KID and his PARENTS never fades away. When in childishness I had my first crush and my Dad came to knew about it . He said that “SON IF BOTH OF YOU ARE IN TRUE LOVE THEN GO AND TALK TO HER PARENTS AND ASK THEM TO LET YOU LIVE AT THEIR PLACE FOR A MONTH OR SO “, being a kid I duly did the same and got thrashed and even my so called LOVE turned away.

    Miss I acknowledge that absolute compulsion over the females should be curbed but I want that just a security tab must be kept in order to ensure your safety and protection. Look eventually both the sexes are different so I want a different treatment of both of them, I said different treatment not PARTIAL treatment.

    So when you look at getting equal status as men ..please also look at the various aspects where male and female gender differ and you will get the idea of how to fight for female rights.

    1. D Gill

      Different treatment? Do tell. Who does the policing? And what is this weaker sex business? If you were to endure what some women have to deal with in life you would never utter the words “weaker sex” ever again. Pls take that out of your vocabulary ASAP. Don’t base your impressions of women on the pampered princesses that you happen to know. And FYI all citizens are to have equal rights, there is no cherry picking for one group or other. Yes men and women are different but so is every human being one from the other so really sir, what is your point?

  5. Sarfuddin Azmi

    Yes, you should raise voice against restrictiveness for choosing whom you like. But what do you think why they (your parrent) suggest and create pressure to keep distance from boys/men because they do want any mishappening not to keep away from the world. I think you people will have heard “prevention is better than cure” for the disease which is very hard to cure. Otherwise go out walk in midnight along with your dearest boyfriend then one day you will experience same miserable condition what the Baliya based girl had experienced 9-10 month ago.

    1. adya00

      Prevention is better than cure is out dated. Girls are raped by family members too, and not a small number at that. Most rapists, offenders, are in fact family, relatives, friends or people you know. All rapes don’t happen in the middle of the night. Many happen in stark daylight.
      Today you say we should stay at home, how far is the day when you stop us from ever getting out of the home in the name of ‘prevention’?
      Patriarchal norms have to be abolished.

    2. rananjay

      where have u seen dat girls r raped by family members ,n when it happens in close relationships mostly it happens wd consent ,in fact girls need sex n some guy is easily available as some relative they bed them .Every time boys r not guilty ,i can personally say some of my distant relative girls tried to woo me …….exception wll always exist but dont generalize,i have also heard some men raped men ,some men had sex wd some animal ,do u think every man is like this n if every man have same character den the husband of ur choice ll fall from sky! ,madam ji sare admi ek hi hote hain apka boyfriend kitna bhi ghatia ho apko bhagawan hi dikhega lekin jara dusron ka opinion bhi to janen …….achi aurat baniye ….aur ye jhuti afawahon se bachiye….

    3. adya00

      Are you telling me you haven’t read about the scores of cases when fathers and relatives have raped? Then you’re living in a false world. Go check out newspapers everyday. You’ll know then.
      And for thinking of any man to be a God, no chance. Because even God doesn’t have a right to my life and choices. He is just a entity conjured by humans resulting from their pathetic habit of not being able to believe in themselves.

    4. rananjay

      Madam ji i m a person wd common sense n i analyse fact n circumstances then make any decision about any person there is huge difference between allegation n conviction ,before conviction u cant declare any person guilty ,A woman seduces me to sleep wd her n after stms she can lodge a false complaint of rape on the pretext of false promise of marriage ,i read newspaper thoroughly but not blindly,in pune a 35yold man had physical relationship wd a woman of 42 yars who is a govt employee earning good salary , she lodged a complaint of rape when the guy got married wd other woman ,u tell she made a relationship wd consent she was not forced then why shd she lodge a complaint of rape she knows well dat she cant give him a child as by this age she can have menopause so why shd a person rune his life wd her? Its simply not possible dat a father/brother can rape his own daughter/sister if he has to rape n has to go behind bars he can rape other girls who r probably most beautiful girl in town why wd he do n how can he develop such a feeling about her own daughter it simply cant b possible ,if it happens it happens wd consent n when she is caught red handed she makes allegation dat she has been raped.I m the proof at least four or five relatives tried to exploit me even one of my female friend tried to exploit me physically n it happens wd so many guys but u people wnt believe or u wd say he is trying to b smart ,women u r not savitri u also try to take advantage of boys we r not fools anymore…………

    5. adya00

      of course women are not always right. there are many cases when they exploit men. But what has rape got to do with menopause.
      And you’re trying to tell me that daughters give consent to their fathers? Aging from what 3-15, they give consent?
      And what about infants who get raped? Littel girls? What do they do to provoke men?

    6. rananjay

      I want u people to b free ,u earn money we r ready to play second fiddle but u people leave us in d lurch , only we have to b breadwinners so either u people manage home or let ur male partner manage the home but u people cant b content ,u need mixture of Rahul gandhi ,salman khan n manmohan singh ……………..n again u watch TV serials n say men r bastards !

    7. adya00

      Oh no, we don’t want to be dependent on anyone for money. That’s why a job is important for us. And very less women leave men in lurch compared to the number of men who beat up their wives, demand dowry, don’t let them work. and so on. And true, most TV serials are just nauseating. I have to agree with you on that one.

  6. Dr Aparajita Choudhury

    I agree with Ojaswini that young women in our country are over protected and kept immature and not encouraged to think for themselves and how they would like to live their lives.This also includes having clear discussions at home about the requirements of safety , precautions while interracting with all strangers and encouraging the girl child to make her own well thought out decisions as an adult.Many youngsters in our country are more than happy to hand over all responsibility to others and live in a state of infantile immaturity , while mouthing statements of great filial piety like,” our parents know best”.
    We must also keep in mind that there exists a generation gap between us and our parents and society has evolved and changed since they were in their twenties.A mother who has always been a home maker may not be able to understand how much our professional lives are valuable to us as individuals, or appreciate our career plans which may be jeopardised by an unsuitable match.Millions of young Indians , every year discover their soul mates across the lines of caste, religion, language or economic status , but based on similar personalities, life goals and values.Most of these marriages are successful although they would not fit in with any parents plans.
    Adopting an ostrich like approach in an unsafe and unsympathetic society is not going to help our young women, we need to develop as complete and independent individuals and take responsibility for our lives and decisions.

  7. Rita Banerji

    Ojaswini — and to all other Indian women (and men) reading this: As long as you are not in a khap panchayat kind of situation where your life is in danger (in which case you run and NEVER look back), please do not get married under pressure to people who you don’t desire and/or don’t want to marry! Forced “consent” is not consent. It is still rape. And that is very much one of the political reasons why the Indian government still refuses to recognize rape within marriages. There are women I know who wanted to have arranged marriages and they seemed giddily happy with the grooms they eventually ended up with. I say that’s more like a ‘swayam-vara’ 🙂 But whether or not you want to marry, and who you want to marry, who you want to share your bed with, who you want to have your children with, that boils down to the issue of “bodily integrity.” And you are the sole owner of your body. Don’t let that shit get to your neck. I say kick hard, the minute it clutters your shoes and that’s where you say your first and final — NO!

    1. adya00

      Very very right. Forced consent is not consent.

    2. rananjay

      I dont think the women r raped dese days the term shd b physically assaulted dey r not raped ,there is no any outrage of modesty cuz today no women embody modesty.Rape is considered heinous not cuz it gives physical pain cuz its the intrusion of ones privacy n moreover the victimization of parents of the girl why victimization cuz stigma is attached why stigma cuz parents suppose her girl to b chaste do u think today any girl is chaste they all have illicit relationship wd some boys n sex before marriage makes a woman unchaste so where is d modesty dat can b outraged she is already a slut so physical assault can b a term not rape rape is an ancient term which doesnt exist today.Even today most of d girls has to subsist on her husbands income ,so parents since they love dere child want to secure her future by choosing right person for her ,they prefer same cast cuz if some trouble in dere relationship crop up dey can put pressure on dere cast n community ,dese days girls have become draupadi ,they marry or sleep wd n no.of boy but every boy dumps her after using dem cuz men dont want sluts as dere wife ………………tawayf ki lutati izzat bachana bekar hai …..hahah

    3. adya00

      If you have to spend your entire life with a person, sleep with them, have and raise children with them, expect them to be your support system, how can choosing that person not be at least one of THE most important decisions of your life. Be it a girl or a boy?
      And sexual right are personal rights. Who are parents to say anything about that?
      ANd what about the fact that men sleep around and want ‘pure’ women as wives?

  8. rananjay

    Only because of u type of perverted women female foeticide is increasing parents take care of girl child n they invest dere hard earned money on girls n girls leave dere parents alone for her physical satisfaction, wow! It means the most important thing for a girl is a husband of her choice ……………when they r raped when they get any trouble for dere irresponsible behavior the whole family has to suffer. .a girl commits suicide for a politician n her mother also committed suicide her brother who was a bright student is now appearing in the court these type of sluts only think about themselves ……dey dont care about dere family … why shd we have a girl child who after getting young wd b sleeping wd endless no. of gus in order to find her mr right thereby putting d whole family in shame n stms dere boyfriends or bed partners become a threat for the girls family ,cuz of girls a father has to hear abuses n in fact they r abused practically by n no. of bastards ……people beware dese days dere is no difference between a prostitute n a common girl …..

    1. adya00

      And if a man can sell his labor and mind to international companies, why can’t a woman sell her body. Its hers to anything she wants with it. And prostitutes exist because men want sex. Outside marriage. For every prostitute there are many more men who are cheating on their spouses.

    2. rananjay

      freedom comes wd responsibility ur freedom shdnt cause havoc for others ,we r free it doesnt mean we start sleeping in the middle of d road ,its my body its my hand its my mouth i can use it anywhere if all people ll start using der freedom recklessly then society ll crumble, boys get attracted by womens body if she is beautiful n if she reveals herself n expect people shd not look at her then think of it what about her husband dont look at her? husband is also a man n other person r also a man if ur looking sexy every body irrespective of age ,colour religion ll look at u whats unnatural about it.I have seen girls saying sorry after sneezing or coughing whats the rationale behind it cuz u broke the concentration of other people ,we generally avoid seeing vulgar seen on tv to maintain our peace but women have started doing vulgar seen on street wd dere boyfriends n they say it freedom den if some person teases her n he can claim its my freedom …….try to understand madam ji freedom doesnt mean negligence or rashness it means we shd b responsible to respect others freedom ,a person is going to office he has some work ,he is contemplating about sth n suddenly u appear in skimpy cloth her testosterone spikes he becomes uncomfortable can it b called freedom ,n by d way we have also legal provision against uncouth behavior in public…..N so far prostitutes r concerned dont day enjoy d pleasure of sex by dere customers ,we all r promiscuous by nature but to protect d society we made certain rules to maintain d peace of d society every person doesnt visit brothel ,people who visit brothel r not considered good persons ,sex withouht love is like body without soul so i cant believe how a woman can sell her body n how a man enjoy that body poor men they have to perform n lose energy n money both n despite men have dragged dem in prostitution ,the genetic property of shading tears……crocodile tears!!!!!!!!! .

    3. adya00

      Men enjoy it. They aer not sad about it. And are you kidding me? You think only men have sexual desires? What about women? They have an entire organ dedicated to the sole purpose of pleasure, unlike men. The sole purpose of Penis is procreation. And then you’re telling me that men are more sexual?
      And protecting society is all ok. But what about individual rights? Why should I sacrifice my rights so the society can be happy? And who made these rules? Men. They never asked what we want. So the rules have to be and will be re-written.

    4. rananjay

      women take pleasure despite dey charge us in different forms b it gf ,wife or cgs……….men made rules cuz dey were physically strong n two sexes have different tendencies ,women takes more interest in nurturing they take more interest in gardening painting ,fine arts etc men have always been interested in administration ,fight ,wining so u can see most of d philosphers ,shayrs ,law makers writers of vedas r male ,Ramayana ,mahabharata etc has been written by male but in all those scriptures women have been praised for dere different abilities ,but culture n society changes according to the change in economy ,u can take the example of status of women in different period u can see dat different circumstances molded society in different forms ,u can compare vedic era ,mughal era ,british colonial era ,since less women r strong enough to join military so less no. of women get the place in policy making ……but now scenario is changing dey r also becoming judges IAS ,IPS ya but so far physical strength is concerned dey cant compete wd men cuz its natural dat women r delicate creatures, in the time of wars women always has to take back seat ……cuz its reality when peace restores creativity sprouts so women have strength in creativity dey r good mangers ,dey have good communication skill wd good voice. so both sexes have different strength n weaknesses we shd hone our skills in our own area ……Now new vistas r opening in media , management ,even engineering n other sciences where only mind can play big roles so now law is being enacted in favor of women n if u glance at law each n every law is in favor of women n again u people r crying ,now a common man even cant dare to look at women u all have become princes ,If u look at us we cant go to d court but we cant look at u for more than a few seconds d area of assault has been widened where even starring n voyeurism has also been penalized………..society doesnt change suddenly it takes time as every body is not equal in society we have different level of economy so its obvious our practices wd b different u cant compare an illiterate women’s freedom wd a literate n strong woman they wd have different culture n that culture is needed for her survival this rule even holds good in case of men .Due to economic constraints so many men remain unmarried/virgins unlike reach kids who daily sleep wd different sexy sassy n classy women.

    5. adya00

      Its only India’s thinking that women can’t join the military. US is the biggest example of the fact that women can do well in field.
      Its not true that women are more inclined towards something, men have made these rules that say so. And when today women try to fight back, there are still idiots who quote manusmriti. Indian men talk about culture when they have absolutely no clue about it. And ramayan, don’t even get me started on that. Ram was a sexist bastard who made his wife go through hell. Did you even know that during vedic period women could choose not to marry and just study? The Britishers have painted a disgusting picture of Indian Past, and most people, including women, don’t bother to think.

    6. adya00

      Its only India’s thinking that women can’t join the military. US is the biggest example of the fact that women can do well in field.
      Its not true that women are more inclined towards something, men have made these rules that say so. And when today women try to fight back, there are still idiots who quote manusmriti. Indian men talk about culture when they have absolutely no clue about it. And ramayan, don’t even get me started on that. Ram was a sexist bastard who made his wife go through hell. Did you even know that during vedic period women could choose not to marry and just study? The Britishers have painted a disgusting picture of Indian Past, and most people, including women, don’t bother to think.
      So many works of indian women have been revived, and it was Indian men who said this is not our cultural. We have been misled by those colonial sadists. The sad part, we don’t even know it

    7. rananjay

      Ram hai jivan karma hai shyam ,do u think u dont have any flaw in ur character or u have never done any wrong in ur life or ll never do any wrong , vedic culture ,this culture was the most advanced culture in indian history,girls were married at the age of 17 , niyoga was prevalent u can compare in vitro fertilization today since science was not develop at that time so Garbhadhan sanskar was done manually but men cdnt enjoy sex wd dat woman cuz it was done in dark n he was not allowed to see d face of woman ,ya education was open for boys n girls both ghosa apala vishwara gargi were popular learned women if im not forgetting ,upanayan sanskar was allowed , but perhaps u didnt pay much heed on my sentences i have discussed about economy ,as economy changes society n religion changes ,vedic civilization was a pastoral society agriculture was not much developed so dere was not any concept of property, wd d passage of time people started cultivation n due to cultivation of different crops barter system developed as the barter system developed concept of property came into existence, to protect n perpetuate d property women were made chattel of men cuz at that time contraception was not available so women had to cohabit men for d validity of his son .Its quite obvious why shd a man spend money or shd transfer his hard earned property to an unknown boy ..From here deterioration of women started different religion came at different time u can compare budha period ……N our country has been invaded by different invaders ,when muslim came they started raping our women so we started marrying our girls at tender age at that time contraception was not available so we didnt have any other way u can again say whats big deal u shd have sent them to schools or let them remain unmarried at their wish, so we can only imagine that pathetic situation …

      U r abusing Rama for just leaving his wife but u didnt see the sacrifices he did for sita , the deprivation d advances of surpanakha n his rejection n his life of renunciation practicing celibacy even after being a king .There is something called rajadharm ,he has sacrificed his own happiness dat is sita in favor of his people ,u didnt mention if sita was alone did rama marry again ,there is difference between d life of a common man n a king ,a king has to think about his people ,n his people’s happiness shd take priority over his personal happiness ,U can see his love for sita he killed different demons including Ravana he didnt care about his own life in order to get back Sita n compare the to days so called advanced people of 16 december that boy cd not save his gf or concubine or whatever …….so i can understand to days people ……ur modern woman wd modern thinking so compare between that coward boy n Rama who is a bastard ?I have rightly said women r selfish creature ……….now u can think why chastity was important at that time .Cuz of certain circumstances certain law develops n in the course of time when circumstances changes new laws prevail over old law, law is a dynamic subject it changes wd time u can compare 2005 amendments on hindu succession act. In law chastity of a women has been made immaterial although it has serious ramifications, lots of breakdown n divorce r taking place these days.

      Now u have talked about America ,uncle sham ! do u know the GDP n per capita income of america ,get d data i dont remember n compare the physique of dere women dere climate dere poverty line, a person having less dan approx 20000$ per anum is called poor n he comes under poverty line n here re 37 or sth a day r u comparing, i have discussed above that change is a slow process how many women r literate in india n u can compare the strength of a woman wd men in india . Different countries has different strength n weaknesses ,situations r different circumstances r different ,this is d reason we adopt others culture very soon we hate our own culture n love others culture american women r roaming naked so we shd also do d same a few hundred yers back muslims came n they taught us to practice vail system even some hindus turned muslims .I may not b knowing much about my own culture but i always remain eagar to know n if dere is flaw we wont practice it we can improve certain practices but we cant change our religion n d basic frame of our culture.U might have studied a lot but i simply disagree wd ur thought n i m not thrusting my opinion on u either u r free to believe in ur concept…………….

    8. adya00

      Why can’t we change the framework if many many things are wrong. I admire your knowledge and I must say you do know more than the average India. Ram amy have sacrificed his happiness, but because of this act, women even today are told be like Sita. Even today karva chauth happens. Women make many sacrifices for men. Because of this Sita thing. Ram was king, he should’ve set an example for the world to follow. But he didn’t. Even when Sita after agnipariksha he sent her off. Just because someone said thing? That means that if anyone says something about your wife you can just pack her off? Didn’t he have a responsibility towards Sita?
      Vedic culture was very advanced. But have you seen sculptures at Chittorgarh, Ajanta and Ellora, Khajuraho. They depict sex positions. Sex was not only a scared act but something that no one was ashamed of. We wrote Kamasutra. But why then today this reaction towards sex? Shouldn’t that be changed?? Why should divorce happen? Because a woman had premarital sex? The favour is towards men. They can have sex before marriage and have sex even after marriage. And then the woman is told to be patient.
      I even understand the benefits of child marriage. But that time has to be changed. Quickly, because the more we wait, more and more lives are brutally and irreparably damaged.
      And what about victim blaming?

    9. rananjay

      U r talking about victim blaming ,its always male who r blamed ,if a woman makes physical relationship wd us n if we r a little older dan her people ll say he is exploiting her or she ll say when her purpose is served we used her ,one side u r saying sexual rights r personal rights den enjoy it independently but again u people have made ur sexual conduct an enigma no one can understand u what u like or what not . Do u know even big persons in india remained unmarried cuz dey cd not express dere felling before the girl n its reality .U people r so dangerous even before saying i like u we have to think 1000th times what ll b ur reaction ,u ll slap us or complain against us n we ll lose our face in society despite it has a very normal solution u can just speak ur heart if u like that person its ok if not den say him a straight no! whats big deal about it.

      Now come to heinous crimes like Rape ,this crime is committed by exceptional people u may say dem terrorist or sub human u can understand that a normal person even dont dare to propose a girl how can he rape a girl .

      Now this has also a reason we have stark differences in our society, in living standards in lifestyles, in demography .Do u know why always a don borns in slums ,most of d poor people learn to accept dere fate n dey learn to live in poverty n destitution but some defy
      the law of society he asks himself why some one shd eat chiken tandoori n why shd i sleep wd empty stomach ,n if u think deeply somehow the other resources which shd b equally distributed among people r gobbled by a few people by different manipulations ,a little difference is ok but if the differences become broader n broader discontentment ll arise n this is the symptom of devastation .

      Our constitution talks about socialism ,equality , right to life wd dignity ,,our constitution starts wd we d people of india an it talks about all d fictitious words which has no any existence in India u r talking about framework we r frame less ,each n every thing of ours has been borrowed by certain country ,our IPC our constitution , there is no any originality
      nothing is indigenous in india we wear Levis ,we eat pizza we drink koka cola , but we deplore chanch, lassi laddu galebi ………If we want to return to our frames we have to return to our vedas ,our Gita is the mother of all philosophies we dont read d great novels of Premchand shartchandra but we read the cheap english novels of some new popular writer from india n these days fifty shades in the name of love but we dont want to read Parineeta .Even our TV serials r borrowed from some country ……..India has become a potpourri of different culture ,I dont have to say about our culture its simply incredible .

      No body is forced to b like sita n infact nobody is sita today n nobody is rama ,nobody ll force u to do karvachuta ,Its ur own love towards ur partner that u want ur partner to be in good health ,good position n love is blind some time it inspires u to follow even superstition however u may b a highly educated person n some time it also works.

      Sex shd nt be a taboo cuz its the procedure of procreation but these days sex has become only an object of consumption.we want it more n more more partner more more beauty …Excess of everything is bad ,addiction shd always b avoided ,
      In ancient time state used to fund prostitutes on dere education they were taught different arts like singing dancing writing etc n dese days they had different names like devdasi ,rupaziva n etc devadasi can b compared today wd mis india or mis world ,N women used to compete for becoming a devdasi since at that time dere were no any visual objects like tv or internet so people go to the brothel in person n watched dere dance n by paying amount they used to buy dere time .Although at dat time davdasis were not socially respected person but some devdasis had accumulated piles of wealth for example Amrapali of budha period. She had donated lots of land to budha for his ashrams n became follower of budhism ,these days heroines can b compared wd devdasis dey r nothing but a refined form of prostitutes ,.Kamsutra is not all about sex positions ,people stms get confused ,in Kamasutra 64 types of art has been described which includes different art forms including singing dancing ,etc sex is only a part of dis book

      Now as i have already told excess of everything is bad likewise excessively abstaining sth is bad
      khajuraho n other sexual idols was made in the period of religious movement at that time people started onlly concentrating on different religions they started renouncing the world so learned people at that time started making naked idols in the temple itself so they can again return towards social life ,they procreate children ,earn money n b a part of social progress….. , . ;

    10. adya00

      You’re stuck in the past. No wonder you can’t move forward. If people can live in apartments, use Air conditioners, gas, vehicles,internet, then why can’t our mind progress in terms of religion. that’s just hypocrisy. And you really need to read the newspapers and hear the news and then you will realise the deplorable condition of women in India. You keep harping about social progress, but if there’s no individual progress then social progress is joke and limited.
      Few odd women dare to complaint and your saying society is prejudiced against men? What world are you living in? My point of kamasutra was sex only, yes there are other things, but its majorly about sex. And whats bad about a book concentrating only on sex. If you deprive someone of something for centuries, it is going to fins a release somewhere. You say when Mughals came we clothed up our women and married them off. That’s they easy way out. We could’ve taught them to fight along with our men. That would’ve meant double the people to fight with. And women being warriors is not a strange concept in India atleast.
      You say “Sex shd nt be a taboo cuz its the procedure of procreation”. Why? It is also a very important act of giving and receiving pleasure. Why are we so shy about giving ourselves this kind of physical pleasures when we are not ashamed to exercise pleasures of the tongue, ear, touch or mind?
      Why should only a woman wish for her husband’s good health? Why should aashirwaad for women be “sada suhagan raho”? Is a wife’s health and life not important? Or she just a bag of uterus to get babies and clean up the house?
      You say resources should be equally distributed. So if I am poor does that give me a right to snatch your property? It doesn’t. You have to earn you right to the resources by proving your ability. Now here is the problem, there is corruption, that is why equal opportunities have to be given not resources. You can give a man food or teach him to hunt. Shouldn’t be hard to decided which one of them is progressive.
      Its also true that we should read our ancient texts, but there;s no going back, ever. There’s only moving forward.

    11. adya00

      and yet people mock at the military. Don’t you start about that because I know a lot more about that than you.
      You are simply stuck with idea of going back to vedas. there is no going back. Its imp to know our past, not to re-live it. And if more than one form of media is saying the same thing, it is true. I have traveled the country and been to cities and villages alike. I have lived in those cities and villages, women are victimised everywhere.

      You say women can say no? they can’t. Women are raised to not ask questions and only to do what they are asked.

      Why should the health of only the husband be important? Why is the wedding ashirwad for a bride or any married woman “sada suhagan raho”? Is the wife simply a bag of uterus and someone to clean up the house? No one says to a man may your wife live long.

      You say “Sex shd nt be a taboo cuz its the procedure of procreation”, but is a very important way to pleasure ourselves. When we are not ashamed to pleasure our tongues with tasty food, our ears with good music of our choice, our skin with soft clothes, our minds with intellect, then why should there be a taboo if our bodies give us other kinds of physical pleasures?

      My argument about kamasutra is about sex. Kama means pleasure. The other aspects of it also talk about pleasure through different aspects, for eg the family life.

      The society can never progress if individuals are not progressing. There is only stagnation then. Progress can not happen at the cost of individual human rights.

    12. Anon

      Cut the crap already!

    13. adya00

      Men scratch at their crotches in public, don’t you think that’s vulgar? And there is no provision about clothes. I once saw a man walking stark naked on the street. Not a thread of cloth on his body. In the name of religion. Why???

    14. rananjay

      I have also seen some women in tattered cloths n some women taking bath on streets i have also seen some naked woman on street ,but they dont titillate cuz these kind of persons r either lunatics or ascetic dere is no any com modification of dere bodies dey have just bared it all, so far sadhus r concerned dey dont look attractive dey have grown beards n renounced d world ,religion is also a kind of fanaticism.But women plan to make men uncomfortable by showing skin n they r even earning by showing skin eg film industry n again they say people ogle at me ,then tell me d solution u r earning by showing ur skin ,different models fashion industry ,cosmetic industry or today even retail chains r thriving on the mens desire of sex .U go to any retail chain n look at the behavior of a sales girl she ll try to flirt wd u not for a relationship but to sell her product . on one side ur taming men by enacting stringent law against any moral turpitude and on the other side u r recruiting salesgirl to woo customers ,dont u think its like bull fighting wherein red rag is shown to bulls n in the end dey r killed mercilessly by the player.If u want to change the nature of a man or even women u ll have to ask from the god ,characteristic never changes if u add fuel to fire it ll catch its nature.N who has stopped to scratch ur crotch ,do it nobody ll say u anything , if women can kiss n hug in public which cant b said a natural urge u can do the same in private place but if sth is etching so whats bad in scratching n pacifying the disturbed area ,,,,,,,,,,even women can do d same ,,,,,, Law ll not define each n every area ,mind it we can seek legal redressal on d basis of vulgarity dat includes clothes n behavior ……N the person who is walking naked in public area can also b apprehended its fault of police n administration not law……………men n women both r social animal we cant imagine our existence without society we have to depend on society for various reasons a society is like a building arranged in a symmetric manner so it can b recognized n if needed it can be whitewashed or repaired but imagine the piles of bricks, can it b repaired ?unfortunetly we talk about organised retail chain in a disorganized society.I m not raising question on ones freedom but i m trying to say dont make others suffer in the name of ur freedom……. N there is no rule which can hinder der freedom ya rules r dere to protect others freedom, society even never stops women from doing any bad thing ,only they whisper, society is a very weak organisation it cant act it can only talk n u cant stop some one from expressing his/her thought so nobody stops a girl from scratching her crotch or putting on revealing cloths or doing irresponsible behavior in public…….

    15. rananjay

      men’s body is very simple dere is no any attractive portion that can incite unwanted attention ,for example a flat chest tough arms tough thighs wd hairs n all those ugly things devoid of delicacy but see the women,s body its naturally attractive even women get attracted by women’s body .so mostly men cover dere whole body part n if some reveal they look nauseating…………….these days men have also started showing dere ugly bodies which cause nausea n repulsion ,im not appreciating it either …………….

    16. Ankit Tripathi

      Mr.R, Srry i cant even take ur full name on dis platform ,coz of ur so cheap kinda comment…..who are u Mr. to judge as to how shud a girl dress and walk in d society.i know you hve a very narrow mind but try to undrstd one thing dat ” the man is too weak to control his body, so they blame everything on the woman.;;…… ”
      and remember the fact dat the number of assaults will not go down if women make sure to cover up……………..

    17. rananjay

      ha ha at least u exercised ur constitutional right ,can u define what is cheap n what is not cheap i have just talked about anatomy of women n men u can take it lightly ,when u cheat on ur parents friends ,when u appreciate BESHARM type of film when u watch porn surreptitiously when u ogle at women its not cheap but my sentences r cheap ask urself honestly first who is cheap .I dont know about u but i can understand about u…………..n dis platform is not created by mahatma gandhi its owner ,operators r just a simple n common people dey r not einstin ,budha or valmiki or premchand i know it well …………..we r contributing n investing our valuable time n effort to make this platform successful …………..mind it koi kitna bhi bada kun na ho uska vichar ankh mund ker nahin manana chahiye …………u can also follow gandhi bura mat dekho ,bura mat suno …………….ye mere nizi vichar hain aur main ise kisi per thop nahin sakta

    18. adya00

      So that means no attraction can be mutual between a girl and a boy and that only men can find pleasure in sex. I wonder why girls go mad after so many actors. I wonder why so many women have crushes.

    19. Trying to put some sense into you

      Hi rananjay,
      I’m sorry but I honestly think that people on this forum are going a little too soft on you. Now let me put this really straight, ok?

      You are all that is wrong with today’s society, having the mentality which some May call the root of all problems associated with women in this country and exactly why India has been ranked even lower than the Middle East when it come to the status and the standard of living which women have in today’s society.

      The “common girl”(which I take all the pleasure in the world calling myself) are not prostitutes honey, men with your kind of mentality are dickheads.

      Shame on you, you act like an animal. Are women raw piece of meat and you hungry cannibals with no brains that you’ll blame women for your boners? You quote the Ramayana don’t you, at least your beloved gods had a character. Remember how soopnakha tried to seduce lakshman and he showed no interest? Your argument that men don’t have control over themselves when they see a woman dressed scantily falls flat.

      You talk about interests. What world do you live in? How many entrances had you given where a woman beat you hands down? We topped civil services, law, judiciary, we had a freaking woman president and a woman prime minister. Please get your hollow mind off the Stone Age.

      Lastly, the last time I checked no one appointed you as the moral police. Please stop infecting this society with your preconceived notions and stereotypes. We’re equals. You are nowhere above me and we have been both guaranteed the same rights by our constitution, and you have absolutely no right to pass judgements about a girl, what She wears, however many men she wants to have sex with and whosoever she wishes to see. I’m sorry but if you call this “disgrace” to your family then I pray to god that you never have a daughter cause boy, she’ll suffocate.

      It’s not gonna be a mans world anymore sir…kindly understand that and stop imposing your obsolete, primitive and orthodox views on the society,

    20. rananjay

      Perhaps ur not touching the chord ,i need no more explanation ,i have already given all ur answers nothing new u have asked u ll find ur answer by re reading my above explanations ,but u have to apply logic………..N i have also given explanation about newspaper …………..ask sth new raise some new qs i ll answer i can give u some reference see d WTO conspiracy against poor countries ,nuclear n oil conspiracy of America ,carbon emission n apply ur mind why revolt or uprising happens the same holds good at grass root levels, u r still stuck to the general n common principle ,if world was so easy it wd b very peaceful ,no revolt ,no maowad no wars………….also look at the exploration n exploitation in africa by developed countries and i always keep abreast of current affairs but dont blindly believe in reporters n these bastard media people who r making people fool ….Ya also when some crisis happens only military fights either male or female suddenly common women cant b turned fighters we have to save ourselves if we want to remain alive everything doesnt change at the drop of a hat……….

    21. gogo

      In order to protect property men n women made a secret contract that men ll earn n provide food n shelter to d women satisfy her sexual n other needs n women ll have to take care of home ,since women remained preeminent most of d time she cdnt work in the field or go for hunting ,so economically dey became dependent on men ,since male was provider so its natural dat he ll b dominant even today most of d men get a job then he is married no women wants to marry a person who is not earning so its obvious since he is provider women have to b faithful to him .otherwise option is open u go away everything is business madam women r not savitries dey r the most selfish creature on earth .U r talking about what has chastity to do wd marriage den why ll a man marry if he knows he has to sleep wd unchaste women, many partners can contaminate woman so if he has to take risk he ll visit brothel why ll he take home an unchaste woman ,he ll enjoy sex by paying n enjoying different ladies ,u people wont understand cuz u people have now become morally polluted. Suppose man comes from office n he wants sex from his wife n if wife has another partner n she had sex wd her partner man ll remain deprived likewise if men had sex wd someone women ll remain unsatisfied that is why sexual commitment is a must .wife wants her husband to live long or someone gives blessings for her suhag its cuz after death of husband she ll become alone ,everybody is not a prostitute on earth ….naa……..taht is why sex is pleasure but senses must be under control if it goes out of control den u can see d example of asaram ,n if women unleash dere sexual desire she can also b prosecuted like asaram ,u read newspaper den u must have herd about a lady professor in US of indian origin was caught having sex wd 5 minor students of her own class n she was punished by d court for life term .Its not like dat u ask anybody to sleep n he ll b ready to sleep wd u, men have right to choose dere partner ,i can say u i was propositioned by two of my classmates at different moment n dat too overtly n one of dem even started at me at some place but i stopped her so dont remain in illusion dat all men r sex maniacs n u can get any man in bed of ur choice,he ll sleep wd only when he likes u otherwise think of asaram n american nymphomaniac teacher,,,,,,

    22. adya00

      Sexual commitment after marriage is a matter between the couple.
      I was talking about chastity before marriage. If men can have sex before marriage why not women?
      I never said all women are honest and I never said all men are beasts, but in general women are dominated.
      When today, many women are earning equal to or more that their husbands, why are they still expected to cook and clean?
      There was no secret arrangement, that was an evolutionary logical solution society came up with. But even then what right do you have to say that the man’s job is more imp?
      Even today, a housewife’s’ day starts earlier than everyone in the house and ends at the last. She doesn’t get holidays, vacations. Even today, while women can do a man’s job, there are very few men who can take care of a house and children. Each parent is equal, and that’s why there is no reason for men to dominate.
      You say a women will not marry a man who doesn’t have a good jbv, very true. Will a man marry a woman who can’t have children?
      No one is doing the other a favour. Men are not doing their wives favours by earning for them and protecting them and neither are the women doing them a favour. Then why is the man who is called the head of the family, when the woman is sharing equally in the responsibilities and the duties? You say women are selfish? Even as I speak many sister’s will have to let go of education so their brothers can study. They will have to not go to college or not have the right to go outside to study because their family will not allow them. They will be married off even before they turn 18 so their family honor is saved. They will be raped within the marriage so they can have children they might not have wanted at that time or at all. They are giving up their dreams, careers, so they can take care of their children and husbands. And you have the nerve to say women are selfish?

    23. adya00

      With the state of women that is, I wish they were more selfish and didn’t let go of their dreams for their husbands and children who have nothing better to say than ‘women are selfish’

    24. Rananjay

      Madam ! please let us live ,i ll suggest u ,please have a glance at law n den tell me which law favors men ,religion has become immaterial, dere is no any legal binding n door of court is always open for u people ,i accept u people r queen whatever u want to do wd us do but dont blame us in this callus manner ,only one law need to b incorporated in ur favor dat is right to rape or gang rape a man otherwise each n every law support u ,even u can get me apprehended for this reply we r at ur disposal ,please forgive us lead us we r ready to serve u we r ready to make breakfast for u we r ready to wash ur cloth but dont disrobe us in this manner……….I have been fed up of dis kind of allegation do what u like we ll never say u nay thing ,i surrender !…………

    25. adya00

      The aim of this debate is not to have an endless battle of sexes. You maybe one of the few males who might support women, but the majority doesn’t. Do you know why do girls and women write their father’s or husband’s name? There’s is never an option to write mother’s or wife’s name. Because by law custody of the children is for men. Why do women take their husband’s surname and why does the child take only the father’s surname? These are some very imp questions that need to be answered.

    26. Nishu

      madam ji perhaps u r not updated ,in every document we r writing our mothers name n in 1-2 years the mothers name is going to appear as first guardian on documents , n there is no any rule regarding guardianship in the case of divorce ,it depends upon the parties who can better take care of the child.Once u become first guardian we ll become officially disposable items without any rights, just like a puppy !,But we r still happy at least u people become happy we ll also breath a shy of relief from ur constant onslaught .Why shd we worry about that we r not criminals we dont ever trouble anyone so we wont have any problem .But u people at least remain happy n let us live in peace .Even today no one forces girls to marry any particular person ,even in arrange marriages a no. of options the grooms photograph n career etc is shown to the girl ,n she has also alternative to choose her grooms on or even she can find her love but since in this world finding true love is not that easy n a very lucky person finds his/her soul mate otherwise people have always a choice for arranged marriage n arrange marriage is not that bad either ,wd the passage of time we start loving each other n its just a rumor that girls r raped in arranged marriage .have u seen Rab ne bana di zodi ,so this kind of thing actually happens in arranged marriage do u think its easy for a boy to sleep wd an unknown woman ,men r also shy n they cant make physical relationship wd an unknown girl, its simply impossible .N so far the surname is concerned i dont have a surname n most person dont like to carry a surname ,as in law u all have been given equal rights but ignorance of law cant b an excuse u r free to give ur surname to ur child n also ur free to continue wd ur own surname ,i have already told dat ur same as a man ,u have been given same rights ,even u can live in ur fathers place wd husband ,u can inherit equal property in ur fathers ancestral property .I ll suggest u please read 2005 amendments on hindu succession act ,u ll get clear about it ,u have been given even more rights u ll b the first successor of ur husband n u ll also get d property from ur father so laddu in both hands ….

    27. adya00

      The mother’s name comes as corollary. Not as an absolute.
      The law also provides sexual right regardless of marriage. But how does the ‘society’ take it? There is huge difference between the legal laws and the laws of the society, and unless they are one, we will keep having problems.
      Its true that for men as well getting comfortable takes time, but they are still more or less in their own world. Its a woman who has to step into a completely new world.
      Arranged marriages, are ok, unless they are forced. And sadly even today, arrange marriages are the norm. While slowly girls are being asked a basic yes or no regarding the groom, they are not allowed to fall in love. A lot of men are also not allowed to fall in love. So how is this ok?
      Reiterating my first point, you need to go see the rural India, which does form more than 70% of India. Girls do not inherit property there. I have seen it. You may have read the constitutions better than me, but I have seen India in many forms and have lived in many cities.
      I have till date only seen one person who didn’t have a surname. The total would be what, in point percentage?
      And as far as girls being raped in arranged marriages, or marriages of any kind, you need to open you eyes and read the newspapers. its not a norm. But it happens, with a frequency that is disturbing.
      Would you yourself live with a woman and her family after marriage? Would you take her surname? Would you move cities if she gets a better job than you?

    28. Sameera

      hhmm…. let me see…. knocked out by a girl in a competition, inferiority complex, sexually threatened… have unfulfilled sexual urges developing into homophobia….

    29. Kartik

      You forgot pathetic little misogynist.

    30. Kartik

      So you mean to say that people kill their girls because they know the girls will shame them by leaving them for sex?
      Wow that is the stupidest thing I have heard.
      By the way, I would like to meet people who could predict what their unborn daughter will do in the future. May be they’ll predict the stock market moments as well, might as well make some money from their abilities to see the future.
      God you are pathetic.

  9. rananjay

    Ram hai jivan karma hai shyam ,do u think u dont have any flaw in ur character or u have never done any wrong in ur life or ll never do any wrong , vedic culture ,this culture was the most advanced culture in indian history,girls were married at the age of 17 , niyoga was prevalent u can compare in vitro fertilization today since science was not develop at that time so Garbhadhan sanskar was done manually but men cdnt enjoy sex wd dat woman cuz it was done in dark n he was not allowed to see d face of woman ,ya education was open for boys n girls both ghosa apala vishwara gargi were popular learned women if im not forgetting ,upanayan sanskar was allowed , but perhaps u didnt pay much heed on my sentences i have discussed about economy ,as economy changes society n religion changes ,vedic civilization was a pastoral society agriculture was not much developed so dere was not any concept of property, wd d passage of time people started cultivation n due to cultivation of different crops barter system developed as the barter system developed concept of property came into existence, to protect n perpetuate d property women were made chattel of men cuz at that time contraception was not available so women had to cohabit men for d validity of his son .Its quite obvious why shd a man spend money or shd transfer his hard earned property to an unknown boy ..From here deterioration of women started different religion came at different time u can compare budha period ……N our country has been invaded by different invaders ,when muslim came they started raping our women so we started marrying our girls at tender age at that time contraception was not available so we didnt have any other way u can again say whats big deal u shd have sent them to schools or let them remain unmarried at their wish, so we can only imagine that pathetic situation …

    U r abusing Rama for just leaving his wife but u didnt see the sacrifices he did for sita , the deprivation d advances of surpanakha n his rejection n his life of renunciation practicing celibacy even after being a king .There is something called rajadharm ,he has sacrificed his own happiness dat is sita in favor of his people ,u didnt mention if sita was alone did rama marry again ,there is difference between d life of a common man n a king ,a king has to think about his people ,n his people’s happiness shd take priority over his personal happiness ,U can see his love for sita he killed different demons including Ravana he didnt care about his own life in order to get back Sita n compare the to days so called advanced people of 16 december that boy cd not save his gf or concubine or whatever …….so i can understand to days people ……ur modern woman wd modern thinking so compare between that coward boy n Rama who is a bastard ?I have rightly said women r selfish creature ……….now u can think why chastity was important at that time .Cuz of certain circumstances certain law develops n in the course of time when circumstances changes new laws prevail over old law, law is a dynamic subject it changes wd time u can compare 2005 amendments on hindu succession act. In law chastity of a women has been made immaterial although it has serious ramifications, lots of breakdown n divorce r taking place these days.

    Now u have talked about America ,uncle sham ! do u know the GDP n per capita income of america ,get d data i dont remember n compare the physique of dere women dere climate dere poverty line, a person having less dan approx 20000$ per anum is called poor n he comes under poverty line n here re 37 or sth a day r u comparing, i have discussed above that change is a slow process how many women r literate in india n u can compare the strength of a woman wd men in india . Different countries has different strength n weaknesses ,situations r different circumstances r different ,this is d reason we adopt others culture very soon we hate our own culture n love others culture american women r roaming naked so we shd also do d same a few hundred yers back muslims came n they taught us to practice vail system even some hindus turned muslims .I may not b knowing much about my own culture but i always remain eagar to know n if dere is flaw we wont practice it we can improve certain practices but we cant change our religion n d basic frame of our culture.U might have studied a lot but i simply disagree wd ur thought n i m not thrusting my opinion on u either u r free to believe in ur concept…………….

    1. Sameera

      “U r abusing Rama for just leaving his wife but u didnt see the sacrifices he did for sita”- dont u see the sacrifices sita did for Rama, while pregnant. I mean, if a man loves his wife for a while and then leaves her, because he has other moral obligations, he is supposed to be remembered only for the love. eventually she lived alone mr. rananjay.
      I’m only asking for a critical outlook towards things. Don’t justify mere unjust deeds.
      there are so many insane and irrelevant statements in your comments, next time try and say it in your mind while you write..

  10. Girendra Singh

    Such a bitter truth …. you have spoken so easily….. proud of you!

  11. Narendra


    1. Abhishek Nilamber

      Drop them caps yo!

    2. Kartik

      You left your caps lock on.
      You talk of love and sex as different aspects but sex is an important aspect of every non platonic relationship.
      And while you are dismissing the western culture as everything wrong need I remind you that the Indian culture isn’t as pure as you imagine it to be.

      You say we Indians do not talk about sex because it is sacred, yeah that’s a really bright idea. Mask every thing wrong under the cloak of morality while it suffocates the entire society. But what the hell, all of us are just supposed to suffer in silence because things are sacred. And this isn’t about girls alone, this is a gender neutral pest that has been eating us from the inside leaving us hollow.

  12. Narendra

    sex is not for enjoyment only…humans have destorted everything for the sake of his enjoymnet..everything…IN LOVE,WE DONT THINK OR KNOW ABOUT SEX…..IN LOVE ,EVERYTHING BECOMES LOVE,EITHER IT IS CHOCOLATE OR A CAKE ..WHATEVER IT MAY BE…”yae gift (pointing toward necklace) tumharey husband nae diya hai kya?” “arrey yae,yae to uska pyar hai” SO YOU SEE EVERYTHING BECOMES LOVE EVEN SEX.WITHOUT LOVE SEX IS JUST LIKE AN ANIMAL ACTIVITY.WITH LOVE IT WILL GIVE YOU PLEASURE,HAPPINESS AND NO NEED TO FEEL SELF GUILTY.WE INDIANS,WE NEVER TALKED ABOUT SEX OPENLY BECAUSE IT WAS NOT A MATTER OF SECRET FOR US BUT WAS A MATTER OF SACRED.IT IS A SHAME FOR US TO TALK ABOUT IT OPENLY BECAUSE THESE ARE BASICS OF LIFE WHICH ARE OFTENLY IGNORED BY US. W ARE INDIANS.WE ALWAYS COVER OUR BODY AND OPEN OUR HEART OPPOSITE OF WESTERN WORLD WHERE THINGS ARE TOTALLY CHANGED.waiting is very important part of love .Wait how long?one week ,one month or one year…INFINITELLY…because love is infinite..ONE WHO CANNOT WAIT CANNOT ENTER THE GATE OF LOVE…everthing is changing in this sphere…nature is ready to take new changes in this planet…but very slowly…the things which have to be will be…

  13. loyola

    you still have’nt answered the question of why she is expected to live with complete strangers , that can happen even if you choose your own mate..?

  14. Agnostic

    Isn’t this the story of almost all Indians above 20?

    1. Abhishek Nilamber

      I feel a lot of boys too face the same question. It’s not just the girls. Emancipation cannot happen just for women, it has to emancipation of all genders, resulting in emancipation of the society!
      Fuck em oldies, I say, and their rock stubborn ass!

  15. Neha jaiswal

    This is the best airticle i have come across. This is the major issue which every secoung girl is going through. Even i also belong to that family where after completing my study my parents will ask me to get mrried and some girls get married in between their studie (like my sister did). We are not allow to go out for job. My parent says that marrige is most important part of our life but who will explain that it just a part of life.

    1. findingffeminism

      Fight neha.. U need to decide wat u want n fight!! If we want to change the world we need to start with ourselves!! Don’t agree to get married unless u want to !

  16. Gaurav Mahendru

    Excellent question and may I suggest that the question carries the answer as well.

  17. Naughty Boy

    hmmm..Tired of these feminists..If u have power ,show it rather than complaining about the patriarchal society.Every day some posts come..what women need? Do women have to cook ?do women have to inject testosterone??…….oh..arrey yaar,gimme some air……Im going to be a brahmachari..

    Ojaswini,these are silly issues.Now the laws guarantee complete freedom to women.U can chose whoever u want.Rather than complaining about men,spread awareness among the girls about these laws…Get out of this agony aunt role.

    1. Daman

      Sure, now women can marry whomever they like, but the key here, as you said, is by law.

      What about her parents and your relatives? What about the woman’s husband’s family? You cannot deny that a woman who refuses arranged marriage and marries of her own accord without her family’s wishes is going to have a “Happily Ever After.”

      Sure, the modern day woman can legally get married in court with the man she chooses. But, she cannot return to her home, to her family, and will be looked down upon by her husband’s family….dahej nahi lekhe aayi….apne maa aur pitha ki nahi respect ki tho humari kya karegi….

      Have we also forgotten the news channels that bombard us with news every month with details of parents killing their own daughters for marrying good decent men, just because the parents did not wish her to?

      Please think carefully about your statements, “Naughty Boy.”

    2. Naughty Boy

      Yes.but many times girls lose their family’s honour by marrying pricks.if u are frm a rich family and a girl in ur family marry a chaiwala,how u feel?..u may say,u will be happy to prove that u are great.but honestly nobody will like.

    3. Aditi

      Naughty Boy, ‘these feminists’ are doing there bit by writing what they feel is wrong. That is step one. The next step will obviously be the change she wants to see. Its very presumptuous of you to say that nothing happens after this.

    4. Naughty Boy

      Aditi,I cant understand u.MOst of the girls are marrying the persons they love.Also u can lead a single life if u wish.Women’s problem never gets settled.They are constantly nagging and never adjust.We are constantly offended by posts that are miso-masculinist.Men too have emotions,understand this.The so called patriarchal family gave us many burdens.Men suffers more than women.Right from the child hood we cant cry,because tears are not for boys.We are supposed to provide for the family and take care of parents,while the girl children are generally exempted from this.
      Most of the things feminists say are bullshit only.You say,a woman will come in thongs and may flaunt her curves,but dont look at her.Hows that possible? common men will look.becoz thats how we are its better for women to dress modestly.

    5. anjali

      so true…don’t complain!! stand up against the wrong and take your stand coz u hav full right to do that!! no matter if they r ur parents or friends or society… wrong is wrong and we r nt born to silently obey everything imposed on us!!!

    6. findingffeminism

      Anjali.. Love ur comments.. Do u have a website?? Or cn I contact u any other way??

  18. Sonal Agarwal

    Precise, but to the point. This is definitely a question worth asking. I’m sure girls can identify with this. Well done!

  19. Sanket

    ” Why can’t we openly choose our partners”…There is no law that prevents you from openly choosing your partners.

  20. Rahul

    Why so much biased question? Why can’t you generalize your question for both the sexes? If you say that most of the boys have freedom with regard to choosing their life partners, I will argue that most of the girls also have.
    For a particular socio-economic scenario, either both have freedom or both don’t. So stop being a sexist.

  21. kavya shetty

    I always had n hav dis thought! But parents are so bounded with society n culture I dono wha n how shud I ask them abt this.

  22. Sheen

    its because apparently their choice of a stranger to spend the rest of our lives with and make children with is better than our choice of the stranger we will choose to fall in love with and marry and then have kids, you know not do it ass backwards…I mean they did work a lot fusing a sperm with an egg to create us, so they own us until we can be siphoned off as slaves who can have sex with the master

  23. Love Daddy

    Ahhh So over-dramatic .I am over-flowing with emotion.
    What pressure are you talking about?.
    If girl really desires something she can take matter into her own hands.
    You have right,you have freedom.
    Stop crying and GROW UP!!

  24. Hodor

    get a life ………. ppl

  25. Human

    And lets not forget about the lies we are feed up with. Its gonna pain and bleed when we first have sex! I mean really, we are so ignorant about our bodies. even after repeated articles, videos about how should sex be done, there are still alot and a lot people telling and believing that first time intercourse for a female is painful, even can cause some blood. This is how patriarchy works, they tell us, brain wash us to believe what they want us to believe.

    Plea to every human out there watch this and learn :

  26. Gari

    I have been through this.. still going through it… left the guy after 8 months but facing the consequences… been almost 2 years of total hell… I was 21 when I got married… :/

  27. vkp

    You should never trust a silent dog and a laughing girl…cuz both are going to (want to) bite you…!!
    PS:-Dogs are Loyal girls r not..!!

    1. Ram

      It takes a dog to know a dog!! 🙂

  28. shirish

    Just one question to the author; who pays the bill while you are on a date with your boy-friend? You or him?

    1. Gari

      I have many times…

  29. Shathavari

    I had the same dilemma. But I made sure that I talked to my parents of what I think… i.e atleast allow me to find out if the guy interests me at all and allow me to say NO. I did have trouble since the parents didnt see it coming from me and all of a sudden they felt that they were wrong in giving me freedom while I grew. But again, our parents are not in touch with the world that we are growing up in. So, there needs to be a patient exchange of information on both sides, respect to the opinions held on both the sides. If our parents dont understand, its our job to make them understand, however difficult the path is. What we have to tell ourselves is we are not wrong in expecting something out of life and by doing so, we are not betraying anyone or any culture. And patiently take time, effort, strength and courage to keep discussing about this with parents however unforthcoming they are in the beginning. Trust me, they will relent.

    Imagine the case where a little boy or girl is choosing a wrong path in her life… like making friends with bad set of people (for example), just remember how much effort and strain our parents took to make sure that we understand what we are doing is wrong. (except those who just got beaten up with no logical discussion). Remember how sure we felt that we were right and almost made enemies out of our own parents? And just in time found out how right they were and how stupid we were for not being able to comprehend the bad people in a better way?? Just consider this situation similar except that the roles are exchanged.

    We dont want anyone hurt or feel sad about it. All we want is to let our parents know that the life they used to fear about is not true anymore and the world has changed for better in many ways and given girls/guys enough knowledge and capability to choose their own life partners. Once they see this, they will be the first ones to support you. Its just they are worried something wrong might happen that they will not be able to handle it anymore. You just have to give them the confidence that whatever happens in life, you are ready for it and with their help and support everything will be perfect.

    I know this is a very idealistic approach and takes long time to work out. But then if anyone has any better idea that doesnt hurt anyone in the long run, I am all ears. After all its the family that we are talking about, the only people who care about us in the whole world without expecting anything in return.
    I myself faced this when I was 23 and I have been trying to tell my parents how I feel about the whole thing… I am 28 now and slowly they understand. Now they are ready to let me have my choice, even though it is not the best thing for them. They are ready to change for me. I am proud of this achievement and would recommend this to one and all.

    I wont say that the 5 years in between were easy. There were loads of times when we screamed on each other, blamed each other, went into bouts of depression.. stopped talking to my parents for a while.. it was terrible. But, I love my parents inspite of all of this and they love me too and now slowly, I see them relenting. They are ready now to follow my lead in finding a partner for myself. And mind you, I am looking for a partner who will respect my parents as well (i am assuming the love for me already!!). I want my wedding to be a real family thing in which two families aspire to become one big family, love and respect each other.

    I am not sure if this is the idea of wedding in any culture in the world, but this is my idea of a wedding and I want it to be as lovely and heavenly as I am imagining it and my every step would be towards making this dream come true.

    Cheers, Shathavari

  30. Susmita Ganguly

    Want to add something….some parents also say::
    1)The house of in-laws is your real house,this house of us(parents) is not.
    2)Girls are ‘property’ of their fathers at first and then their husbands’.
    3)We cant allow you to do anything you want to…..we will protect you(I guess the reason is,for only ONE guy to consume you >:o ) and later,after getting married,if you are allowed to do as you wish,by that husband of yours(your guardian then :/ ) ,you are free to do anything,we will not even go and find out what you are doing.

    Nice post,very brave,thoughtful and interesting 😀 …..but you know,I still think,society plays a major role….almost all of us are scared of society and therefore we blindly embrace the injustice. :/

    1. Gari

      They also say, “You can’t do this/that. What if your in laws don’t like u doing it???”
      something like,”You can’t work, what if your in laws don’t want their ‘bahu’ to work??”

    2. Susmita Ganguly

      Exactly,that is what I said.

      Please read the above comment once again for better understanding.


  31. Piyush

    You think it is easy for men to randaomly select a woman that too from a pool of 10 or so?

    Do you even have idea that how the idea of incompatibility haunts me? And men have pressure to say yes in the first time otherwise the girl’s parents feel humiliated.

    And no girl I know of who isn’t committed these days. It is nit like you haven’t dated your fair share of commoners princess.

    Now stop making bogus posts and find something solid to write about.

    1. Priyanka

      Dude, just because you have to experience what she has doesn’t mean it’s any less valid. It’s imp for people to talk about stuff that bothers them. If you truly love and respect women in your life the very least you can do is listen in an unbiased way.

    2. Priyanka

      Not experienced I mean.

    3. Piyush Aswani

      If I would have to listen to the woman I love, I would ask my daughter to share her feelings directly to me and not raise flags of feminism and spread out unnecessary messages.

      Why wouldn’t the writer dare to go to her parents? Because she’s afraid right? Same goes on with us men too! My family has not given me liberty to marry any woman, but I know this because I have talked about it with them rather than blabbering on the social media.

      And do you in your right minds read the title of the post? ‘Forced to sleep with one’? Do you have any idea what message it sends out? Are women married just to sleep with a guy?

      Chicken shit!

    4. Gari

      Oh so its ok if guys date, but if a girl dates she is unworthy of being happily married or even being considered for marriage?? I think U r bogus my dear…

    5. Piyush Aswani

      I guess you didn’t get my point. I said the problem faced by both sides are equal.

      And yes I haven’t dated before 🙂 I I preach what I perform

  32. Anonymus

    Pretty true and hard to believe. Not just backward families, but it happens in so-called modern families as well. I’m from a pretty well off family where my dad is a govt servant with a very respectable post and mom is a high school English teacher. My mom always told us not to dress up well because it attracts attention. She even refused to take me to a marriage party in our locality owing to the fact that me and my elder sister might get reduced. Also, she never approved me of hanging out with friends, male or female. But one fine day i came to know it’s all because my dad doesn’t approve. Pretty weird especially after doing my +2 away from my hometown, this was just not expected. I do feel like walking upto my dad and asking him, “Dad, do you want me to be a lesbian ?” . Their thinking has become modernized in only few ways. Sari’s and suit’s are getting replaced by jeans, shorts and even shorter shorts but the thinking still lies somewhere in the 70’s. Pathetic!

  33. Daman

    I think the same families who won’t approve of their daughter finding her own husband are the families who won’t let their daughters drink, smoke, and have sex–premarital sex.

    There is no one reason for why we haven’t developed yet to that point in society. If women respected themselves more, (and by this, I mean the older women in our families) and fought back when they were and are expected to stay at home, get yelled at by their husbands as if they were children, wear kurtis and/or salwars to work when their husbands wear Western pants and shirt, etc etc. If all these things were fought about, and they key here: by every woman, then you and I Ojaswani ji, and other girls, won’t be looked upon with sneers and comments like “zaada Western ban gayi.”

  34. Raj Agrawal

    don’t take me in wrong sense but its a fact…

    I can answer ur questions.
    go and check history. it will tell u that people survived because they fought and having power.
    so far men having power who can fight have used other men and women as their slaves.
    because of little freedom granted to women now they r comparing them with men.
    but fact is only men with gr8 power and courage can rule.

  35. Ambuj

    Its not the correct way we treat our outdated traditions today. A girl child, when forced (for anything by their parents or society) must break the chain recalling her own childhood opposition. As a mother she must ensure the freedom that she was deprived off. This is how we can gradually (and without pain) change the scenario. Also note that parents are never the less important(I am talking abt truly Indian culture). So they may create the problems as described by the writer, but its us that can let our next generation free to live & choose as they want. The overall concept is simple.

    “Do to others what you would want them to do with you”. ~Wikipedia

    its how we cn stay young 🙂

    PS: my English sucks. Plz cooperate.

  36. Saqib

    I of these thinking came to our mind when we want act out of what nature has asked us to do. Men have their own role and so do women. I don’t know why we want to change our roles. If we can change nature that easily try to sleep in day and wake up in night. Men should be pregnant and women should be the ones to make them pregnant. Every human being has life cycle to complete and everyone has almost same cycle to complete. Stages of this life cycle are same and we are bound to follow them. Can we work in childhood and get education in youth? Can we have strong limbs and can have sex in the age of 70? If you can answer my question then you surely have answer to your own question. I would say that this article is brainchild of narrow mindedness and in fact approval of the fact that men are superior.

  37. Bakwas Band Karo

    Over protecting girls is genuine from one point of view. Parents or other elders know very well that india mein society ki waise bhi lag chuku hai ..
    anything is possible. this is just their concern n love for u all so called innocent girls. they are just trying to be protective. you may call them criminals for their concern for their mindset or whatever.

    and for your kind info, if you see carefully, there will be another woman behind all these restrictions. at least playing a major role.
    I done see anyone to be blamed here.

    this is how it is in india. and the same is applicable to boys as well (to some extent)

  38. suresh

    Excellent quotes ” because we are raised in such a way that we don’t ask questions, we just accept silently.”
    One thing that i dont accept is that…Even the boy doesnt have the right to choose their partners.
    But now a days almost couples are living alone…no more joint families because of many issues like jobs and others.
    It is same for both boys and girls.

  39. Manjari

    As long as we have men such as Saqib in India, there’s no way the woman can get out of this rut. Our fathers had that mentality, brothers such as Saqib have that mentality and the men we will marry have that mentality.
    To answer Piyush’s question: Yes it’s not easy for a man to choose a girl from a “POOL” of 10 or so because we are not fish or chicken or for that matter a potato that you will select from a mix of rotten or fresh.
    Saqib what “Nature” made us to do we have undoubtedly done. But we’ve proved everyone wrong that Nature hasn’t just made us to stay at home, bear kids and be servants to our families for the rest of our lives. We have gone BEYOND that. We’ve done – if not better – what “Nature” intended men to do. When you say “Can we work in childhood and get education in youth?” that’s not what Nature intended – it’s created by society. And who made those norms? MAN, not woman because women were always considered lower than man.
    And by the way, you can have strong limbs – maybe not as strong as a 20-year-old – but strong ones at 70 and if you are really a man, you would know you can have sex at 70.

    1. Pradeep

      Manjari, Your points are valid to some extent. But stop crying MAN made all this to you. Women have equal role for this state. Its not always MAN plays the bad role. Unfortunately WOMAN plays a major role in this. And in fact in most of the cases its another woman who is responsible.

  40. Divya

    The matter over here is right to some extent but who asked you to not to choose yours partner yourself..Indian families have now got opened in this context and if they feel that the man is perfect for their daughter, they definitely would like to take a step forward and get her married to him..And as far as a girl safety is concerned, parents are right to some extent which we as a youngster oppose right now & may be will realize only when we ourselves will become a parent.Seeing today’s scenario regarding the unsafety of girls, its obvious for them to be conscious..
    Yes,accepting, today also there are some families who are not ready to accept love marriages who think that my child should have the spouse of my choice as if some gambling is going on and whatever they will decide would be right, rest everything is in vain which is totally unacceptable.So they should change their mindset that its the matter of the whole life of yours child; he/she has to spend it, not you !!

  41. p

    the answer to your question lies within you. Give one valid reason not to consider you as a weaker sex. If family protects you then you have problem if they dont then also you have problem. Dont blame ask yourself. are you a tough girl. can you stand against all odd. even if all the rapist, murderer and all eliminated from society can you stand against all humiliation. One thing i ask you when there is a accident between a boy and a girl, why do boy get criticized always and ladies get free pass. If it happens and some how you responsible for accident, will you accept your fault then and there??
    if you have problem against arranged marriage then fall in love, who stops you.
    and if you are generalizing it for all and blaming the society, then you should know that you, me and all others form the society. if you are blaming society, you are blaming yourself. writing a blog is a good thing but take action against it otherwise it will be simply null and void.

    1. Prakhar

      “if you have problem against arranged marriage then fall in love, who stops you.” Too good!

    2. Rahul Mehra

      well said. All u have written is a bitter Fact which so called feminists can’t digest

  42. Veena

    Okay! Now, enough of this feminism bullshits. A major proportions of females in India are free now. We have seen an increasing urban migration trend in the last decades. If the females weren’t free, Ojaswini wouldn’t be writing an article full of crap just to show her writing skills.
    Now to the matter, even though the marriage is arranged in India (atleast major), there has been a change in the way the arranged marriage is happening now. The bride and groom are given enough time to understand each other and then get married after 4-5-6-12 months depending on families.
    Girls hooking with multiple guys is the new definition to feminism in India. If you tell them its morally wrong, you are sexist. The same applies even to guys. No parent would support their son as well to hook up with multiple girls, however when the same parent object their daughters, they become bad and people with outdated thinking.
    Be moral. Its always better to settle with one better guy than to find that one guy after hooking up with many guys.

    1. Swati

      Do you realize that morals are subjective? What may seem right to you may not work for someone else at all? So if women/men who have been in many relationships before settling down are not forcing their mindset upon you…. and not forcing you into “hooking up” with several people… why do you think that you should force your morality unto others?

      And feminism isn’t bullshit Mam. It stands for equality of genders. Let’s not be selfish. If you are one of the lucky ones who are liberated, you should still know that there are million of others who are not. Women not being treated equal isn’t a story that someone is making up. It’s a reality for the majority of people. And even as a lucky liberated woman myself, I still live in a country where women are blamed for rapes. Victim is the criminal. So please don’t tell me feminism is bullshit. If you didn’t like the article or think it was not the best written on this topic – express that. It is different than bringing down a whole movement.

  43. Faraz

    Lovely post. In my opinion the answer to your question on “I don’t know who I should address my question to” is peer women. Each one should stand up to this unreasonable and logically retard male centric Indian tradition and take a stance. One generation can change the views of the next especially the mother through her open views by making her daughter feel absolutely free in this world. This will change the status quo which is gradually shifting.

  44. Faraz

    To add to my previous comment I do think its important for the parents to consider that every decision of their adult child is independent and they are mere advisors. If they think in this manner then every decison their grown up guy/girl takes would be respected by all ad there won’t be any obligation to do anything.

  45. Rajan

    Yawn …
    Such drivel for such a sensitive issue, gone are the days when an article was required to inform and if possible form a public opinion…. Anything passes for writing these days…
    In all honesty this article is a travesty to such an important issue , this statement pretty much sums up the author’s state of mind :

    “I don’t know who I should address my question to. This is a major question in itself . What I seek an answer to is why even in this 21st century, we are still the weaker sex, who needs to be protected, covered, guided and directed for all their lives.”

    Q. Isn’t the mere fact that you are still looking out for people to answer your questions make you a “lesser” being w.r.t the hypothetical beings who would have answer to your questions ?

    The ideology of woman being the weaker sex, needs to nest rather than hunt, needs to protected comes from a world which was run by brute force, slowly and steadily that world is changing, the human civilization itself is evolving to function not simply by might and force , but rather by reason and mind, in a such a world a woman would have more acceptance and would have a greater role to play in the society,
    The idea shouldn’t be to simply ask questions – every 20 something girl – uncertain of her future would have this question, the idea should be to provide answers to the question or rather get the reader thinking along the lines of solution….

  46. Amritha

    Well, I feel that we should be open to our parents about such things and let them get used to the idea that you are an independent person who has every right to choose your own partner. We have to fight for it, that’s mandatory.

  47. Randeep

    The problem arises when there are reports of rape everywhere and the parents just doesnt feel its safe for their girls to behave anywhere less than an humble girl which would otherwise lead to life shadowed under claims of a ‘badcharacter’ specially when it comes to rural india. The way we interpret women empowerment isn’t the same way our rural counterparts would do, they would rather keep their daughters hidden inside their house then to let them go and live their life just to let them fall prey in the hands of preadiator lurking arounds in the streets of india….

  48. Vipin

    We are in modern & developing India youth. Means having new and updated thoughts. Yes its correct to discuss with our parents of our life, but same time we should also be remember not to opose them. Dear friends, dont think wrong in any point jut try to figure it out. Dressing of girls of india, where its going. Big question who are to say of dressing : raised by girls. Realy i do have much more to say on this but we should know what we are wearing , what we are drinking, what we are eating and where we are going. why we always forget a sentence written on most of the places ” Apne saman ki suraksha swame kare ” also always speak truth to yourself.

  49. Arjun Singh

    Women… They never appreciate anything. The more you give them, the more they want.

    Men still die early from the strain of supporting their families, of dealing with shit jobs and even bigger shit bosses, of fighting the government, their neighbors, their wives and every other thing around them day in and day out until the welcome black curtain of death comes to make it all better.

  50. Gaurav

    The question is simple — “why can a woman not choose her partner”?
    the answer is —– “you can”
    the trick is “how”
    but before I tell you how, I want to share some information, some of the below info will apply only to women, some to everybody.
    we indians want the security that traditional societies provide and also we also want the liberties that an individual enjoys in more liberal societies. the problem is we want both and not one.

    we indians tend to blame god, Krishna, Jesus, Allah, politicians, parents, the plumber, the electrician, airtel, the gardener at rashtapati bhawan and every other man, woman and child but we refuse to take responsibilities for our own choices. why is that ?

    if you want to leave your home, please leave. get a job and start living the life the way you want to. decide what are your personal and professional goals and work towards them.

    overcome your inertia, your prejudices. no one is going to stop you. if some parents are orthodox tell them you are leaving home.

    now for the tough part!!!
    where will you go? do you have the courage and convictions to choose a man and work with him to build your own home, your own nest. chances are the answer is no…. do you have the wisdom to judge someone and find if they are suitable or not…. chances are no…… do you wish to take any risk…. chances are no…… do you wish to take initiative —- chances are , no…… do you judge people based on their looks… chances are yes….. do you know how american or european women select their men… go ask them…. do you know it takes effort and you have to find some one who is nice for you and likes you and work with him to build your own family and stick it out with him no matter what….. are you ready for that …. your turn to answer…. it is easy to criticise but the correct way is to find solutions…..

    1. Rajat

      Well that was a nice explanation from your side but i think that was one pert of the story. In some countries it is a part of culture to get independent at the teen age, earn for yourself, find your partner, live the life you want. But in India even 25 years are sometimes not sufficient for being independent. You talked about being able to judge someone, so if you know you have to carve your way yourself, then you can acquire the skill, but certainly you can’t learn the skill overnight. It is the culture which teaches somebody.

    2. Ketki

      Hi Gaurav!

      As intriguing as I might find your reply, there is one question, I couldn’t help but ask. Namely, what kind of securities (traditional society offers) are you talking about?

    3. Gaurav

      to understand the securities you have to compare the life of an indian woman with a woman in the west and you will understand that there are gains to be made with independence but with independence comes responsibility, for example you initiate your own relationships and cannot blame others if a relationship fails and gracefully accept equal responsibility no matter what. this is just an example, if you are interested please compare a life and then things will become clearer. hope this helps

    4. rahul

      Mr Gaurav, you know which place has the maximum amount of security- a Prison, which is what can be aptly compared with the security ‘traditional society’ provides. No one wants such kind of a security.

    5. Ketki

      If the online security of the traditional society is not being able to blame anybody if your relationship goes wrong, I feel indeed very sorry for you.

      The only security the traditional society provides is that of a family, and it can easily be acquired in a liberal society as well, if anyone wants to.

    6. Taniya

      U r very ryt. I m a girl n i feel tht shouting at the society is effective but only wen u prove tht wt u tell can be done. V all speak for ourselves but wen one of us DO it its really gr8. Every time u cm across sm1 who wanna silence u speak up even if it is bot the smallest thing.the only way we can break a wall is by removing each and evry brick 1 by 1. I also feel tht boys 2 must understand wt a normal girl goes thru hr life n girls mst understand the pressure on boys 2. I m a feminist who wants equality not one who wanna kill boys.

  51. uttara

    I have asked my mom this question a million times and all she says is that’s how our society works . it seems stupid and irrational to me .

  52. Sofi

    It is as simple as that the time has come when each girl has to make a choice to be free, independent and responsible individual. It is not us versus them or men versus women. It is just to respect one’s individuality. The blog is misdirected for a type of class struggle whereas in a family we are all interdependent. Families only groom and make a person civilized. It is the attitude of family which is reflected on the siblings whether they respect women or not. The solution again lies in the hands of women who impart education at the first instance to the children be it at schools or the mothers lap. The writer has a genuine concern for the position and empowerment of women, but let it not shake the very roots that make us feel humans.

  53. ram

    Go ahead and choose your partner. If he/she is good and your love is strong no force in the world is gonna stop you from being with that person .
    No its not a taboo, but its made by us only , even ‘Sita’ in Ramayana had choosen her partner by wil only 🙂

    P.S: Parents have equal right to be assured that their children have safe and secured future, if you can’t find its their rightful duty to find one for you . Its out of sheer love only 🙂

  54. Neha

    I am 31 and had the same question at least 10-15yrs back. I use to ask my parents and elders that why I have to marry a stranger. How could I? I mean all those years you protected me, hide me and suddenly one day I bring a tray to those strangers who will be looking & judging me from top to bottom and they will tell me am I good enough for him or their son. Who the hell is he and how can he judge me? I had all those rebellious question since childhood. why housewives does’t get a day off? Why she has to eat last? Why she has to prepare food even if she is ill? there are so many?

    But whatever I say I believe its we the woman has to take stand for herself. No one else is going to do it for us. And I say Financial independence is the backbone of this thinking. I can say that as I am married to my childhood friend. Of course they didn’t agreed at first when I told them in 2nd yr of Engg. I just asked them to consider this guy when in future you will be looking for the prospect for marriage. Yes my Mom was shocked & asked me to concentrate on studies. I somehow finished my Engg and worked for 4 yrs before getting married & took care of most of the expenses of marriage. As I was working my parents also believed in me that I can take care of myself thus they also supported my decision.

    The guy I am married to, he cares for me, he cares for what I think on any given matter, he helps me in domestic work, he respects me and the most I know in & out.

    1. Vipin

      Dear Neha.. respect to your thought and good to see . But can you tell me, earlier women used to use Devi before their name but in today’s generation i haven’t seen. Do you know why being a lady , forget old tradition and all but only want to know reason they use ” Devi ” fact i also don’t know. what I think that people will give respect to you the way you will present yourself. Like example….you have married with your childhood friend. what if he change in any manner, to bhi tum uss s sadi karti. I am sure no. Because he changed.
      Tell you one think, when we in our home we are most secure rather then other, then how can girl will be uncomfortable when boy and his family comes to see a girl. I am sure no girls know the real experience have how much secure he feels. you said of judging then i will say from girls end also judge boy also. you have also quote that women’s have to eat a last, being a married man i have never seen my wife eating a last, when i am late. we used to have together. And now a days how many following this.

      So i am not blaming any one. but one question required answer. Its all of time and changes of thoughts and many other things. So as you have also observed. but one thing I want to know of dressing . I have not seen and changes in Mans dressing but lot of changes in women’s. honestly do you feel what they are wearing now a days is good in any manner for your society. We see our girls our pride and womens ghar ki laxmi. But now a days, half necked, or they way they dress them self, you also cant ignore , is not good for society .

      At last every home, city, town,state,country is from men and women. here you have describe that how your husband cares of you, but you have not mentioned how you care of him. This is the things which comes from your inside.

    2. Neha

      They use to refer as “Devi” as salutation for women may be as comparison to our goddesses. I guess may be wrong, you want to bring the point, as being referred as Devi, we should live up to the expectation and Some Devi should be our role model.

      “Agar aisa hota toh Saari ladkiya Devi hoti aur Saare Boys Dev”. Aisa nahi ki main Devi nahi manti. I love Durgaji, but she is my friend or my conscience, but not my role model. Whenever I speak to her I want to be able to see in her eyes.

      I agree to your point people respect you as the way you present yourself to them. But holds true, for only those people who really don’t know you. You don’t need to present yourself for the people who knows you.

      And I guess I would have married to friend even though he had changed a little. You know why, because I know him so well as nobody as else do. And you know what, he has changed but as a better person.

      For the judging thing, I guess the place doesn’t matter guy’s or girl’s home. After graduation my Mom took me to some Samuhik Vivaah. So that the people of our caste knows I am available in the market for marriage. And I remember those eyes, a particular guys family member were checking me out. I hated it and never went there again. I know guys also have to go though that. I am not saying its easier for boys to go through the marriage process or to marry some unknown person.

      According to me arrange marriage is a bad system. Two mature people should be able to choose a life partner for them.

      About eating at last I am not saying about me. I don’t wait for anyone if I am hungry as a Wife & Mother. But when I am Daughter –In-Law sometimes I do eat last and what ever is left. I don’t know about you, but this happens in most of the join families. Women of join Families who are housewives do eat last and most of the time she will eat whatever is left.

      Dress for guys has also changed from dhoti Kurta to T-shirt & jeans and I believe you will agree that Jeans T-shirt is more comfortable to wear as compared to Dhoti Kurta. Regarding the length of the dress that girls are wearing today, I believe its personal choice. Ghar ki Laxshmi or Devi this are words with lot of burden with it in male dominating society. In our society, women has code of conduct for everything.
      How she should behave or carry herself as Beti, Wife, Mother.

      Final thoughts:- A mature individuals has every right to wear whatever He or she feels is good and have right to choose his/her life partner.

  55. Ashrith

    All i see is a wuss who couldn’t make a stand for what she believes in! If your parents are forcing you, why din’t you leave your house and make choices of your own that reflect your lifestyle? Too afraid? Its easy to sit behind and write articles with fancy vocabularies, but when its the real deal many people do not have the sack to face their problems!

    “What I seek an answer to is why even in this 21st century, we are still the weaker sex, who needs to be protected, covered, guided and directed for all their lives.”

    Why don’t you ask that question to Mrs. Prathiba patil, she was a worthless president! but if she thought that she was a “Weaker sex” I do not think that she would have been capable of getting the title of President!

    All i see is a feminist seeking attention!

    1. Vikram

      What a reply u gave bro….. Surely in the name of women empowerment feminism is being prevailed in our society.

    2. Aditya

      Waah! what a nice reply man. Too good 🙂
      Same way they (womens) says that our society make them down. May I ask when and where we make you down? Have you ever take a drive from government buses or train or standing in the queue? We always give priority to the woman. But just because our parents doesn’t allow them to roam in the night, have sex with the person who is going to ditch you or allow alcohol, they start protesting.
      Double standard everywhere :/

    3. Swati

      Do you think giving us priority in a stupid queue equals the freedom to choose how to live my life, whom to be with or marry (or not to marry) , freedom to get out or get into the house at whatever time without worrying for my safety…. Check your logic ! Both genders should have an equal right to live a safe life, the way they want to. We are all adults and should have a freedom of choice. And I speak here for men and women both.

    4. prashant

      hey. Sup! well I believe myself to be one of those people who are pro women. Because they are amazing human beings on many levels. As men we must understand a few things.

      We are a country which believed in sati once (Mera Bharat/ religion mahan? oh yea! ofcose!). Imagine what must have happened to the women at that time. can you imagine? Just imagine you have a wife and you are expected to burn with her if she died. would you? or would you revolt?

      luckily the consciousness levels are improving, but as a huge nation we are still very unconscious human beings. reflects in acts like rape and on a much simpler level also the “anger” in men against women who want to break free and be independent. worse, these new age women are not understood by a large population of women in our country themselves. Like it is our right to tell them “what is what” and “what to do”. (would you blindly agree to listen to anyone who force their opinions on you? and if they get all angry on you if you dont listen to them. would you accept that behavior? no I expect for the man you are. but sadly this has been happening to women since centuries. Should a women not be angry and write this article?

      Its because of women like these that this country will improve. they might bring a new movement for the women.

      So. dude/ bro (whatever works for you), if we are unable to encourage them should we discourage them?

    5. sneha

      Yup….have the courage to deal with whatever the consequences are and standup for yourself is what I say.

  56. You Idtiot

    To answer all your questions I want to add one thing

    We Indian respect womans as “Diamond” and we cannot put the diamond in the middle of the road and wait for the new owner of that diamond and let he fuck you. Instead we carefully select the best one who can handle that diamond”
    but that diamond never understand 🙁

    1. Heina

      Women are human beings, not gemstones that cannot speak, think, feel, or understand.

    2. Swati

      The new owner? Are we “things” you can own? Sorry but I’d rather just be a human being and not a diamond. All these notions of women are diamonds or like “treasures” give men a feeling of entitlement to lock us up in a “safe” on the pretext of being a treasure.

  57. Namil

    What callous and shallow thought !!! It seems as if the lady is only worried about sleeping or forced to sleep with someone.

    Your parents raise you with all what they have until you are 20+ and they would want you to share your life with someone who would be there to support you even after they are gone. This is applicable for both boys and girls. She says this as if you are sold into slavery. Marriage is much more than sex & servitude (for both genders).

    I can only feel sorry and pity for the person who wrote this

    1. AisKacang

      Don’t judge the reading just by its title. It does not only mention ‘sleeping’. I suggest you read it all over again.

      I’d like to put forward a question. If parents raise their kids with ‘all that they have’ -like you mentioned- till the kids are 20+, don’t you think ‘all that they have’ includes proper upbringing? Doesn’t that mean the young adult is already properly equipped with the right skills to face the world and to choose what is best for them? Shouldn’t the parents trust their kids and the choices they make, because that reflects their own upbringing? Shouldn’t the parents trust their own upbringing in the first place?

      The writer did not imply that arranged marriage is slavery. She is simply fighting for a woman’s right to choose her life partner, on her own, because in some communities, such right still doesn’t exist. It is part of a human’s basic rights and everyone is entitled to it.

  58. Gaurav

    i was listening to the song – bulla na jane main kaun – and i realised something, no one knows who we are. not our parents, not god, not even us, we all have dreams but very soon they will die a natural death unless we do something about them. we as humans do not know how to communicate, we only talk to people when we need help or some information. we are angry at ourselves and at our parents.

    by the time i was done the radio was playing another song.. ye dooriyaan , fana hon ye dooriyan… no need to explain that one.

    at every battle between the young and old people, the young attack the old armed with questions but every battle ends without any resolution. finally when the day ends the parents thank god that their children still do not know to anything except criticise which means there is no danger to patriarchy. because to change things we need to act. find alternatives and solution and not just criticise.

    we think we are the most powerful, the most beautiful, invincible, but in reality we are broken arrows. everyday we go out and try to conquer something that we cannot define and at the end of day we come back home empty handed realising the futility of our lives. there are 5 crore individuals (men and women) who are 30+ and single and they have an ordinary life. who are we kidding, we will also most likely end up like them. we are not invincible at all, and that is because life herself has many weaknesses

    there are 4 known paths , marriage and family; path of god; pursue your ambition/wealth; work for your nation/political power.

    but none of these paths excite us anymore but we also need to feel that we belong somewhere and that is where we are stuck. the need to belong somewhere bites our soul and propels ever so gently towards wanting to get have friend, get married and have kids and find other ways of seeking out relationships with fellow human beings

    hope this helps all of us

  59. shiva

    I respect some of ur points and i feel they are valid but may i ask u a question, really donno whether to ask like this.. If u really feel that “suddenly they are asking me to marry sum1” part is too harsh that’s just bcoz u can’t marry sum1 from ur own family ryt??This is part of our Culture and There are some MORALS in it which v have to follow and respect..i’m not saying u should stay down coz ur a woman..u have the equal ryt like us..but don’t just say ‘they are sending me away’ just like that..They are protecting u from the past 22 yrs and they will do it in future also..just u got married wit sum1 doesn’t mean that they are leaving u..They knew this is how things gonna work and they are doing it in that way thats it…u tell me if there is any other way for an indian woman to get married??which was easily successful like this?? I appreciate that…

    1. Anu

      Your point is not at all clear. The article never says that parents are completely but simply trying to state the fact that some parents are okay with their daughters staying in a loveless marriage but not okay with getting them married of their own accord.
      As to your very ridiculous question asking if there is any other way of getting Indian women married, I would like to tell you that girls who marry partners of their choice are in no way unsuccessful.

    2. cynthia george

      concern no1: clarifying “suddenly they are asking me to marry sum1″..its not too many cases, girls(and i say girls cz in most cases, fresh out of college they don’t have the age or experience to be called a woman) are advertised and asked for suitable alliances, and in a matter of 2-3 months, they are asked to marry someone..
      concern no2: clarifying “sending me away”..yes..u can actually say it like that..they protected us for 22 years..but they never thought of letting us or equipping us to protect ourselves (its like that story where the fisherman catches the fishes for a man instead of teaching him to fish)..and if parents really stood up for their daughters, there really wudnt be so many cases of marital rape( which usually continues because either the woman is scared to tell her parents or shes already told them, but they ask her to suffer in silence so that the “society” doesn’t judge of her “upbringing)
      concern no3: they “believe” it will work because that’s how they did it..but only a handful of lucky couples are actually happy with how their lives have turned out..the rest of them exist in silence and oblivion so that, i repeat, “the society doesn’t judge”..
      concern no4: u ask me of another way..well here it is..”LET THEM BE!!”..if they wanna get married, they will..if they need ur help finding someone to spend the rest of their lives with, they’ll ask..or there is always bharatmartimony and m4marry..:D

    3. Taniya

      “sending me away” is the truth cuz she cannot live wth her family in the way she used to. Why is the girl made to live wth her partners familybut the partner cannot live wiyh her family. Is it fair? N “22yrs of protecting” what happens in the 23rd yr? She is no longer protected by her family suddenly she is a woman. Do u thnk tht if u wer in hr place u r gonna feel good.NEVER

  60. Neha

    nice analog comparing woman with Diamond. But woman is not a thing. She has her own mind. For that matter boys too. And both right to choose their life partner.

  61. Sunny

    With a view to.make an addition, I just wanna say that it’s the so called educated, elite sect of our society only that has always opposed the moves of their girls’ choosing a partner. Sometimes on the pretext of society, sometimes on the pretext of social status, sometimes caste, sometimes just like that.
    Don’t yhe people of lower caste have the same coloured blood or skin or hair as of the ones from higher caste?
    The difference is only of a “surname”, what more?

  62. sneha

    Nobody but I have the right to decide what I want. It is my life, my soul and my body, my parents do not get to decide what is best for me (woman/man).
    If you have the courage to deal with whatever the consequences are, standup for yourself. The only other way is to let others decide for you and have the comfort of passing the blame.

  63. Azar

    This althoug true is now vanishing soon….As most of the arranged marraiges happen with consent of the girl as well as boys….it is no more a forced thing like it used to be earlier ….but yes still there are sects and clans that follow such practices and even worse in these sects , the gruesome practises of dowry still exist……Indian mentality on this is changing fast thus there is an increase in love marraiges this days which can be seen…but also increasing is the rate of divorce…..People of old mentality think this as a result of the new trend where the couple goes with there own thinking wihtout involving the through check that parents used to do…..or not considering there parents consent……How true it is cannot be said as I have seen girls coming back home crying to there parents after when they choose to go with there choice and regrest..Also it is true that your parents know u better as they have seen u from childhood and would want to get u the best od life ahead…Success of theie decision and the decission taken solely by the couple that is love marraige also depends on ur luck and destiny as even atrange marraiges fail….As I said the time is changing and today parents do honour the choices made by there kids…but at the same time have a cross check done so that there kids do not get trapped with a wrong partner …and there is nothing wrong on getting consent from experienced people like them…But yes pushing girls to marry just for the sake of age caste religion and society is wrong …That is like breaching the fundamental right of a person the right to live freely…

  64. Cees Tompot

    according to the Universal Declaration on Human Rights every single person has the right to select her or his partner. India was one of the developers of this UDHR. From a study done by a Dutch student in two blocks in Maharasthra we came to know that almost all adolescent girls fear their unavoidable future as a married woman in a strange atmosphere. At the same time they feel absolutly powerless to have a say on their own future. Maybe it is a bit more complicated, but in a way I feel that parents who marry their daughter off to a male that is not her own choice, are accessory to rape.
    Parents don’t allow contact because as they seriously believe this way they protect their daughters. I don’t think that caging is a decent way of protecting. All capacities of these young ladies will be suffocating becuse of lack of breathing space. It would be so much better to protect youth by giving them proper insight in healthy relation and give the education. Why does India not get rid of these horrible Victorian standards finally?

  65. Azar

    Also to add on to this who says u are not allowed to choose ur partner …as per law of our land u are able to do so once you cross the age of 18…the choice made by you cannot be challenged on its legitimacy. also the apex court has given you the right to be in live in…Rest as far rest of your article is concerned to consider women been a weaker sex etc is what you and most of women think…Women has to decide for herself whether she wants to be called as a weaker sex or fight for her right defined by law…Normally women do not have the courage to fight for themself specially if the matter is related to fight against there own families .This I can say by experience as one of my male friend was madly in love with a women of a diffrent class but ahe did not have the courage to fight or trust him completely and go against her parents….This is a bitter truth…..Another truth is no matter how hard u try to bring in a change in mentality of people witj older mentality they wont change …And any ways they will hardly change and expectation of them to change is futile….And the current genration youth has already changed and there kids I am sure would not be like us …This can be easily seen by the way the kids are brought up today and way ww were brought up…For you my advice if you know your rights fight for them if it is not granted …But have the guts to be with your decission and believe in them…Then nothing can stop you..

  66. err nobody

    How do i put this… I belief we, women are independant enough to choose our life partner. In life we have to be brave to make a decision and most importantly make it work. its how u look at things in the end, it could have been an arranged hook up, but if you take it as a chance to get to know someone.? but you still have every right to say No.. Or if your lucky you probably have someone that your confident about .. Go ahead! but coming back to this issue, i think one of the way to educate some of our old fashioned parents is by making a movie out of this or better a serial ! 🙂

  67. Sarmishtha

    I am in my early twenties.What you said is absolutely correct but what’s happening is if we ourselves say that I love a boy and want to marry him our family behaves as if we have insulted them and we become a shame for them.The society is still not open.If someone sees me with a friend who is boy the rumor starts in the society and even my mom says not to talk to any boy here or at college.The thins is Society should change for that people should change and we all are people, when we change our thinking the world might change.But I should also say that its damn difficult.

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A former Assistant Secretary with the Ministry of Women and Child Development in West Bengal for three months, Lakshmi Bhavya has been championing the cause of menstrual hygiene in her district. By associating herself with the Lalana Campaign, a holistic menstrual hygiene awareness campaign which is conducted by the Anahat NGO, Lakshmi has been slowly breaking taboos when it comes to periods and menstrual hygiene.

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