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Why Do Women Marry Criminal Men Who Abuse And Murder For Dowry?

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By Rita Banerji:

At the start of every wedding season in India, the campaign I direct, The 50 Million Missing, receives frantic emails from women about to get married. They complain about being pressurized for exorbitant dowries in cash or kind, particularly as the wedding date draws near.

dowry

We always give the same advice: “Please do NOT marry this man! Dowry is illegal, and these people are blackmailing you, which is also illegal. These are criminal minded people who will continue to extort more dowry from you after your marriage. And they will be violent! We don’t want you to end up dead like thousands of women in your situation who are murdered or driven to suicide!”

Last week we got an email that said this: “I am a 28-year-old school teacher and I am about to get married to an army officer whose parents though haven’t directly asked for dowry have said that their son has bought a new car worth Rs.10 lakh (U.S. $16,500.00) and they want my parents to give half of the price which my parents are going to. I have already given a hint to my mother that I won’t get married to such a family if they keep demanding things. Now they say that we are to give only branded gifts to their guests. I am really worried and don’t feel right about this and neither do my parents but because they have publicly announced my marriage, my mother says it would be foolish to back out considering there aren’t other good marriage offers. I haven’t spoken to my dad who is equally frustrated about the whole attitude of the in-laws but he feels they have a good family background. I love my parents, can’t hurt them or insult them in public neither do I want to ruin my life by marrying such a family. Pleeezzzz tell me what to do? Should I get engaged next month?”

This is complete insanity! This woman’s parents are saying that families who shamelessly make unlawful demands and blackmail them even before the wedding, are “good” families for their daughter to marry into! And they are not alone. Millions of educated, professional middle-class families like this one are saying and doing exactly the same thing — and their daughters are subject to worse blackmail and torture for dowry after the wedding, and thousands of women like this are eventually killed. After all the news we read and hear every day in India about the abuse and killing of women for dowry, how do these parents even think about forcing their daughters to marry into these families? Do they absolutely not care for the safety of their daughters?

This year one of the biggest public fights in India was about removing criminals from government — men convicted of extortion, larceny, rape and murder! But do we realize that as individuals if we continue to marry criminal-minded men or marry our daughters into families that behave criminally, we are embracing criminals in our personal lives and families? Then with what faith do we expect to clean criminals out of government and have a system that ensures the safety of women?

If you are reading this and are in this situation, or have a family member or friend or colleague in a similar situation, this is my advice:

1. Say a total “no” to any marriage proposal that makes even one dowry demand

Treat any dowry demand (whether in cash or goods) as a death threat! Do not marry into this family. And do not trust them. Do not agree to any negotiations. If they seem to be changing their mind, they are only looking for another way to continue doing the same.

2. Get out immediately of any situation of blackmail and abuse for dowry

Sometimes the in-laws wait till after the wedding to start blackmailing and abusing for dowry. We’ve found that this is often true in “love-marriages.” My advice to all women in this situation is — Get out immediately! Do not delay! Anshu was a bright, young woman, working with a multinational who married a man she was in love with. Within days of the wedding as her in-laws demanded and extorted money from her, she realized what criminal people they are. Just 6 weeks after her wedding as she planned to leave the marriage she was killed. To read Anshu’s story click here.

3. If you have daughters, you need to protect them and yourself

Studies and my campaign’s cases repeatedly show that families that abuse and kill for dowry are also the ones that force women to abort girls and also kill or try to kill the infant girls after birth. In middle and upper class families — babies have unexplained ‘accidents’ on staircases or in the bathtub. The father of Pooja Chopra, who was crowned ‘Miss India World,’ had tried to suffocate her with a pillow (her story here). The reason is, they are greedy for dowry, but don’t want to give dowry for the girls born into their family. They are a danger to both the woman and to her daughters. Click here to see one of these cases from our campaign. So women being abused for dowry need to save themselves and their daughters.

4. Know the dowry laws

If you are planning to get married soon make sure you know the dowry laws, what your rights are and how you can protect yourself. Click here for a post that gives you all this information.

5. Speak the truth about your safety to your parents directly

Finally, if you are in a situation like the school teacher in the letter above, you need to speak the truth to your parents directly. Do not beat around the bush with excuses and explanations. You need to tell them directly, that they are gambling with your safety and putting your life in danger. And that no parent who loves their daughter can do this! Make sure they know that even if they do not understand this, you will not marry this man. Your parents cannot force you. If they do, it is illegal. Get out of the house immediately, and find a friend who will understand and support you. If your parents persist, file a police complaint against them.

In December 2012, the women of India came out on to the streets demanding protection from rape and violence. When women are tortured daily for dowry, the violence is not just physical and emotional. It is also sexual! Most sexual violence on women and girls happens within the homes and families. The women of India need to understand that our fight for our right to safety has to begin with our own families first!

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  1. K.B.Srivastava

    “सोना जाने घिसे और आदमी जाने बसे” यह भारत में पुरानी कहावत है. बिना अच्छी जान पहचान के शादी करने से अपराधियों से विवाह होने का खतरा रहता है. इसीलिये ईसाईयों में लकड़ियाँ विवाह से पूर्व लड़कों से दोस्ती कर लेती हैं और उसे अच्छी तरह समझने के बाद विवाह करती हैं. अब भी हिन्दुओं में काफी लोग अरेन्ज मैरेज कर रहे हैं इसलिए ये घटनाएं हो रही हैं, जब काफी लड़कियां दहेज़ के लिए मार दी जायेंगी तो कुछ वर्षों बाद प्रेम विवाहों की संख्या बढ़ेगी और दहेज़ हत्याए कम हो जायेगी अभी शादी से पहले लड़के लडकिया मिलते है, तो पुलिस मजनू ऑपरेशन में लाठी बरसाती है होटल में मिलते हैं तो पुलिस छापा डाल देती है दुसरे लड़के लड़की को आवारा समझकर उसके पीछे लग जाते हैं और उससे नाजायज लाभ उठाने की कोशिश करते हैं. न मानने पर घर पर शिकायत करने की भी धमकी देते हैं. अशुभ कर्म करने वाले लोग अशुभ रंग के कपड़े पहनते हैं, उनके घर के फर्नीचर के रंग अथवा घर के रंग भी अशुभ हो सकते हैं, लेकिन जिन लोगों को ज्योतिष में विश्वास नहीं है वे ज्योतिष पढ़ते भी नहीं इसलिए उन्हें इस विषय में कुछ पता भी नहीं होता. लेकिन चिंता की कोई बात नहीं है. धीरे धीरे प्रेम विवाहों की संख्या बढ रही है, तब तक कुछ लड़कियों को तो बलिदान देना ही पड़ेगा. दहेज़ हत्या के लिए सरकार और माँ बाप दोनों ही दोषी हैं जिन्होंने अरेंज मैरिज को मान्यता दे रखी है. kbsrivastava52@gmail.com

    1. THE 50 MILLION MISSING CAMPAIGN

      K. B. Srivastava — Unfortunately our campaign has received many cases where even in love marriages girls are abused and killed for dowry! see advice #2 and read Anshu’s story

  2. Tara Sterk

    I wish any and all women in a dowry for marriage situation strength to say no and to keep themselves and their daughters safe!

    1. Rita Banerji

      Common sense Tara! Women need common sense and they need to be held accountable when they endanger their daughters. Even women with money and jobs end up giving up their money to their blackmailing husbands and in-laws and persist and keeping their baby girls in homes where there is danger. One of the cases we worked with, the mother who was well off wanted them to sign an affidavit saying her girls won’t be hurt, raped or killed because she wanted to take them back to their fathers house. Why did she want to risk her girls when she didn’t need to? Because children need their “father” she said! And what if something happened to them? She said then she’d sue them!

  3. Raj

    One of the reasons , all the Feminists (Indian) and the Biased laws failed to correct the bad practices like Dowry is: criminal exaggeration and sweeping generalization.How can you say , all those who demand dowry are ‘Murderers’? they may be Bad, backward in thinking or stupid..But to say they are all Killers! no wonder sec 498A is now used as a blackmailing and extortion tool by elite , modern,confident women well tutored and trained by Feminists.

    1. Rita Banerji

      Yes Raj — Indian men who blackmail, torture and kill for dowry are criminals even though they are probably told by their loving parents that this is no crime! They are probably assured that they are entitled. After all they are sons, or maybe “SUNS” — central principal of the universe? It’s no surprise that this kind of thinking also forms the backbone of the anti-498 brigade. For the volume of dowry based violence and murders it is shameful that the Indian feminist movement has not managed an equally powerful counter to the 498 brigade. But do you know what the most misused laws in India are? I bet you don’t . The anticipatory bail is the most abused law in India. And all other laws are abused as we well know in corrupt India. But when laws are abused people don’t rush around trying to remove the law. The logical response is to hold the system responsible — the police, courts. They must do their job. See that’s why the anti-498A holds no water. These are just men trying to get a free pass to extort, torture and kill. which our legal system helps well with anyway. But why not make it even easier — right? Here’s more on that http://genderbytes.wordpress.com/2010/12/24/a-memorandum-protesting-amendments-to-section-498a-of-indian-penal-code/

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An ambassador and trained facilitator under Eco Femme (a social enterprise working towards menstrual health in south India), Sanjina is also an active member of the MHM Collective- India and Menstrual Health Alliance- India. She has conducted Menstrual Health sessions in multiple government schools adopted by Rotary District 3240 as part of their WinS project in rural Bengal. She has also delivered training of trainers on SRHR, gender, sexuality and Menstruation for Tomorrow’s Foundation, Vikramshila Education Resource Society, Nirdhan trust and Micro Finance, Tollygunj Women In Need, Paint It Red in Kolkata.

Now as an MH Fellow with YKA, she’s expanding her impressive scope of work further by launching a campaign to facilitate the process of ensuring better menstrual health and SRH services for women residing in correctional homes in West Bengal. The campaign will entail an independent study to take stalk of the present conditions of MHM in correctional homes across the state and use its findings to build public support and political will to take the necessary action.

Saurabh has been associated with YKA as a user and has consistently been writing on the issue MHM and its intersectionality with other issues in the society. Now as an MHM Fellow with YKA, he’s launched the Right to Period campaign, which aims to ensure proper execution of MHM guidelines in Delhi’s schools.

The long-term aim of the campaign is to develop an open culture where menstruation is not treated as a taboo. The campaign also seeks to hold the schools accountable for their responsibilities as an important component in the implementation of MHM policies by making adequate sanitation infrastructure and knowledge of MHM available in school premises.

Read more about his campaign.

Harshita is a psychologist and works to support people with mental health issues, particularly adolescents who are survivors of violence. Associated with the Azadi Foundation in UP, Harshita became an MHM Fellow with YKA, with the aim of promoting better menstrual health.

Her campaign #MeriMarzi aims to promote menstrual health and wellness, hygiene and facilities for female sex workers in UP. She says, “Knowledge about natural body processes is a very basic human right. And for individuals whose occupation is providing sexual services, it becomes even more important.”

Meri Marzi aims to ensure sensitised, non-discriminatory health workers for the needs of female sex workers in the Suraksha Clinics under the UPSACS (Uttar Pradesh State AIDS Control Society) program by creating more dialogues and garnering public support for the cause of sex workers’ menstrual rights. The campaign will also ensure interventions with sex workers to clear misconceptions around overall hygiene management to ensure that results flow both ways.

Read more about her campaign.

MH Fellow Sabna comes with significant experience working with a range of development issues. A co-founder of Project Sakhi Saheli, which aims to combat period poverty and break menstrual taboos, Sabna has, in the past, worked on the issue of menstruation in urban slums of Delhi with women and adolescent girls. She and her team also released MenstraBook, with menstrastories and organised Menstra Tlk in the Delhi School of Social Work to create more conversations on menstruation.

With YKA MHM Fellow Vineet, Sabna launched Menstratalk, a campaign that aims to put an end to period poverty and smash menstrual taboos in society. As a start, the campaign aims to begin conversations on menstrual health with five hundred adolescents and youth in Delhi through offline platforms, and through this community mobilise support to create Period Friendly Institutions out of educational institutes in the city.

Read more about her campaign. 

A student from Delhi School of Social work, Vineet is a part of Project Sakhi Saheli, an initiative by the students of Delhi school of Social Work to create awareness on Menstrual Health and combat Period Poverty. Along with MHM Action Fellow Sabna, Vineet launched Menstratalk, a campaign that aims to put an end to period poverty and smash menstrual taboos in society.

As a start, the campaign aims to begin conversations on menstrual health with five hundred adolescents and youth in Delhi through offline platforms, and through this community mobilise support to create Period Friendly Institutions out of educational institutes in the city.

Find out more about the campaign here.

A native of Bhagalpur district – Bihar, Shalini Jha believes in equal rights for all genders and wants to work for a gender-equal and just society. In the past she’s had a year-long association as a community leader with Haiyya: Organise for Action’s Health Over Stigma campaign. She’s pursuing a Master’s in Literature with Ambedkar University, Delhi and as an MHM Fellow with YKA, recently launched ‘Project अल्हड़ (Alharh)’.

She says, “Bihar is ranked the lowest in India’s SDG Index 2019 for India. Hygienic and comfortable menstruation is a basic human right and sustainable development cannot be ensured if menstruators are deprived of their basic rights.” Project अल्हड़ (Alharh) aims to create a robust sensitised community in Bhagalpur to collectively spread awareness, break the taboo, debunk myths and initiate fearless conversations around menstruation. The campaign aims to reach at least 6000 adolescent girls from government and private schools in Baghalpur district in 2020.

Read more about the campaign here.

A psychologist and co-founder of a mental health NGO called Customize Cognition, Ritika forayed into the space of menstrual health and hygiene, sexual and reproductive healthcare and rights and gender equality as an MHM Fellow with YKA. She says, “The experience of working on MHM/SRHR and gender equality has been an enriching and eye-opening experience. I have learned what’s beneath the surface of the issue, be it awareness, lack of resources or disregard for trans men, who also menstruate.”

The Transmen-ses campaign aims to tackle the issue of silence and disregard for trans men’s menstruation needs, by mobilising gender sensitive health professionals and gender neutral restrooms in Lucknow.

Read more about the campaign here.

A Computer Science engineer by education, Nitisha started her career in the corporate sector, before realising she wanted to work in the development and social justice space. Since then, she has worked with Teach For India and Care India and is from the founding batch of Indian School of Development Management (ISDM), a one of its kind organisation creating leaders for the development sector through its experiential learning post graduate program.

As a Youth Ki Awaaz Menstrual Health Fellow, Nitisha has started Let’s Talk Period, a campaign to mobilise young people to switch to sustainable period products. She says, “80 lakh women in Delhi use non-biodegradable sanitary products, generate 3000 tonnes of menstrual waste, that takes 500-800 years to decompose; which in turn contributes to the health issues of all menstruators, increased burden of waste management on the city and harmful living environment for all citizens.

Let’s Talk Period aims to change this by

Find out more about her campaign here.

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A former Assistant Secretary with the Ministry of Women and Child Development in West Bengal for three months, Lakshmi Bhavya has been championing the cause of menstrual hygiene in her district. By associating herself with the Lalana Campaign, a holistic menstrual hygiene awareness campaign which is conducted by the Anahat NGO, Lakshmi has been slowly breaking taboos when it comes to periods and menstrual hygiene.

A Gender Rights Activist working with the tribal and marginalized communities in india, Srilekha is a PhD scholar working on understanding body and sexuality among tribal girls, to fill the gaps in research around indigenous women and their stories. Srilekha has worked extensively at the grassroots level with community based organisations, through several advocacy initiatives around Gender, Mental Health, Menstrual Hygiene and Sexual and Reproductive Health Rights (SRHR) for the indigenous in Jharkhand, over the last 6 years.

Srilekha has also contributed to sustainable livelihood projects and legal aid programs for survivors of sex trafficking. She has been conducting research based programs on maternal health, mental health, gender based violence, sex and sexuality. Her interest lies in conducting workshops for young people on life skills, feminism, gender and sexuality, trauma, resilience and interpersonal relationships.

A Guwahati-based college student pursuing her Masters in Tata Institute of Social Sciences, Bidisha started the #BleedwithDignity campaign on the technology platform Change.org, demanding that the Government of Assam install
biodegradable sanitary pad vending machines in all government schools across the state. Her petition on Change.org has already gathered support from over 90000 people and continues to grow.

Bidisha was selected in Change.org’s flagship program ‘She Creates Change’ having run successful online advocacy
campaigns, which were widely recognised. Through the #BleedwithDignity campaign; she organised and celebrated World Menstrual Hygiene Day, 2019 in Guwahati, Assam by hosting a wall mural by collaborating with local organisations. The initiative was widely covered by national and local media, and the mural was later inaugurated by the event’s chief guest Commissioner of Guwahati Municipal Corporation (GMC) Debeswar Malakar, IAS.

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