By Deepa Kumar And Saanya Gulati:

You know how every now and then you come across a movie so lousy that you can almost take humour in it? Well, Dhoom 3 takes this to the next level. Not only does it create its own fusion genre of action-comedy-romance-drama-thriller, but it even tests the limits of your emotions. There are moments you’re simply not sure whether you should laugh, cry or be terrified. Doom, it is!

On that note, we bring you the 8 greatest fail moments in Dhoom 3.

Warning: Spoilers ahead.

8. The Great Indian Circus

Much of the movie is set in Chicago’s very own “The Great Indian Circus.” But neither the scriptwriters, nor a soul in Chicago, seem to know what a circus constitutes of.

In this circus, the main trick is one that makes people disappear and re-appear. Yes, we thought that was supposed to be a magic show too. But hey, who better than us Indians to redefine the concept of a circus: throw in Alia (Katrina Kaif) – acrobat-striptease-pole dancer, and you have almost all the elements of a circus! Minus the clowns and animals. FTW, yo.

7. Katrina ‘Kamli’ Kaif

Enter the ‘Asian Girl who can sing & dance like Liquid Electricity’ — She cycles & barges into a circus audition, the lead of which is actually a magician and guess what she does to be selected as his partner? A strip tease!! Woot.

Of course she knows the lyrics to a romantic-seductive-dance-y song by heart and of course there’s some godly guy who’s dropping the beat from somewhere, but holy moly, our lady here is dropping clothes — layer by layer — as she jumps around poles and chairs and walls to finally go from a pair of tomboyish dungarees down to a bikini with her longer-than-Aamir leg landing on him!

Did we say it was an audition for a Circus? Oh, well.

6. The invincible Indian thief

Crisis situation: Your bank, the Western Bank of Chicago (mind you) is robbed and the thief, in addition to miraculously having money fly out of the building’s windows (classy), leaves behind a message in Hindi!

Solution: You fly in Indian cops! The logic is either ‘it takes an Indian cop to catch the Indian thief,’ or this simply isn’t a situation the Americans can handle on their own. This clearly supersedes the logic of finding an Indian living in Chicago, or any other American city, to decode the message. Or using Google Translate.

So voila, it’s the Jai-Ali duo at this point — completely justifiable, because they must machao the dhoom.

Also, if you’re wondering what the oh-so-mysterious message is, it’s “Bank ki aisi ki taisi.” Aamir keeping it classy.

5. Of cop romance at the Criminal Conferences

When Jai and Ali reach Chicago, with Victoria, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde cop who comes to greet them at the airport, it is of course necessary to stir up some cop-on-cop action. While Ali is too star struck to even speak, it’s pretty boy Jai who strikes up the conversation. But this isn’t no regular flirting.

Boy cop: “Hey, I think we’ve met before…”
Girl cop: “Wasn’t it at the Annual Criminal Conference?” (convenient!)
Boy cop: “Right, that was it!”
Girl cop: “It was so boring! Who wants to sit and talk about criminals the whole day?” (well… thank god you don’t do that for a living!)

Because it would be unethical for two cops to flirt like regular individuals?

4. Oh Victaaria!
When Jai and Ali (as usual) fail to catch the bad guys, and are thrown off the case, one suddenly finds that Victoria — or Victaaria in the words of Ali – the hot local Chicago cop quits her official job and joins the duo! That too, to be Jai’s assistant — digging up the dirt on the criminals. You know its true lou when one gives up a job (and dignity apparently!) to join the hapless duo of former cops — these conferences really are criminal.

3. The ‘Transformer’ Bike!

Whoever said Dhoom 3 was about heroes & anti-heroes definitely missed out on the superhero: None other than the BMW bike that Aamir Khan pimps around through the streets of Chicago!

Never have we ever seen a bike that has foldable handles — you know the handles that fold themselves in when there’s need to skid through between cop cars. Besides, you also don’t need to learn swimming anymore because this bike comes with an in-built submarine!! Woohoo!

However, the cake-taking feature of this Bike is its ability to become a conjoined twin with another of its kind, handles, silencers et al!

Clearly, the Bat Mobile is no longer cool for school.

2. The infallible Auto-rickshaw

When so much credit is given to the German Bike, one can’t just miss out on the Indian great — the autorickshaw — Abhishek Bachchan’s ride in a Mumbai suburban slum area. Did you know our very own auto-rickshaws have enough horsepower to break through brick walls of pakka houses, pivot on the front tyre to slap all the goons & then come down a hillock in Mumbai, roof by roof?

No? It’s alright. Neither did they.

P.S. We wonder why these auto wallahs don’t get us to the station in time for our locals, then. Hmm.

1. The Sherlock Moment!

Teacher in school: What do you a call the bad person who steals your belongings?
Students: A thief.

But but but, neither did Mr. Anderson (the owner of the ill-fated bank) nor did Victoria, the awesomesauce cop ever attend school! We’re pretty sure neither did the dialogue writer. How do we know that?

Exhibit A:
Bank owner: “I want to know who robbed us. Do you have any leads?”
Cop Victoria: “No, Sir. All we know is it was a thief.”

If the aim was to have us as dumbstruck as the bank owner, then this dialogue definitely hit bull’s eye.

So, we spent time and money to watch Dhoom 3, and more time and time to write this post. But as responsible citizens of the society, we felt it was our duty to do so, to save you from the ordeal that we went through.
You can thank us later.