Looking For An NRI Groom Or A Virgin Bride? Here”s How We Try To Justify Arranged Marriages

Posted on May 19, 2014

By Swathi Nair:

Like seriously. What is wrong with ammas and achhas all over? Why would I ever want to get married to a guy who doesn’t even have enough courage to come up to me and tell me that he likes me? But instead, sends his mom, dad, brother, grandmother, dad’s brother, dad’s brother’s wife and their sons lijju and jojji (typical Keralite nicknames. Some of us actually carry off those names on our C.Vs too. Swag!), their dog Sunderan (Yes, yes, why not?), to check if my Kundli is compatible with his Nakshatras. Neither am I marrying a goat, a tree, a pole, a handpump, a hen, a banana or Sunderan so that my groom doesn’t die the next morning. I mean, really? How fudged up is that? So, we mate and he dies the next morning? What are we? Bees?

According to Bollywood, we break into a Bharatnatyam during an on going Bhangra at a wedding. Some fun bunch, we are. eh?
According to Bollywood, we break into a Bharatnatyam during an on going Bhangra at a wedding. Some fun bunch, we are. eh?

Oh but wait, I forgot, according to my family, sex doesn’t exist. Oh yeah! The whole nine month shit, that’s just pure aashirwaad and lots of nakshatras aligning together to fire up my belly. (if ever so).

Also, I love how people concern themselves with stuff that’ll never affect them in life. Like same sex marriage. Don’t get me wrong, am all out for same sex love, but I got better things to worry about than same sex marriage. I gotta worry about an Arranged Marriage! And you know what’ll be out of control? “A Same Sex Arranged Marriage”. An Indian family realizes their son is gay and goes, “We must find him a nice boy. Someone from a nice family, and a big closet”. (Ok, that was bad. Don’t hit me.Please? Love you? ). [ heard over a Russel Peter’s show]

I realize how thoroughly pissed, self-absorbed and partly worried on why the cute guy won’t text me back-ish I sound and how I might have possibly hurt some of you here. But how could you possibly justify arranged marriage? How? Like which part?

Is that the part where they put shallow matrimonial ads like looking for NRI groom, well settled, abroad (duh!) who would love nothing but a family of overtly pompous belly-lines, who can’t wait to fly off to A-meh-ricka to finally justify their vain accents, or the one that says looking for fair, bright, bride. Like seriously? Racist, much? What you need Sir, are light emitting diodes, not a wife.

Or is it the part where the girl is asked to walk, sing, dance, run, sprint, jive, dismantle a bee-hive (remember how the groom has bee tendencies?). All of these in front of absolute strangers to judge, if she’s marriageable enough. I mean, for God’s sake, she’s a human, not a Godrej ka washing machine that you are asking for a demo. She’s got a fully functional brain with neurons that could signal reflexes worth damaging your jawlines, if you wouldn’t stop pestering with those Paanchvi Paas type questions.

Don’t even get me started on the forced meet-ups. I mean my mom picking a husband for the eternity of my life, when I don’t even let her pick my clothes is how far-fetched this whole thing is. While some of us miserable singles would love nothing more but another human being than a room full of cats to spend our eternity with, arranged marriages are however the stupidest concept to have ever beckoned us all to prevent that. Unlike in a love marriage, this one doesn’t even let you the liberty to choose the person who’ll disappoint you for years.

So, all my kuttans and kuttys, tighten up those pavaadas (skirts) and rope in those mundus (dhoti), for we haven’t given up quite yet. Ain’t no gajra clad aunty telling us which kutty or swamy to marry quite yet. For, we are young, Love is a battlefield and there are always cats we could get back home to.

P.S. – Here’s an insightful read: How does one make sure that the bride he is marrying in an arranged marriage has a flat stomach? #QuoraGold

This post was originally published on the author’s personal blog with the title Arranged Marriages: What The Hell?”

*ammas: mothers, achhas: fathers, Kundli: birth chart, Nakshatras: stars, aashirwaad: blessing, Godrej ka washing machine, jo demo maang rahey ho:she’s not a Godrej washing machine, that you may ask for a trial/demo, Paanchvi paas:fifth grade, kuttans: sons, kuttys: daughters, gajra: a jasmine garland, worn by South Indian women as a hair accessory, kutty: a usual suffix used in many Keralite names, like Balakutty, Gopalakutty, swamy: another usual suffix, eg: Balaswamy, Gopalaswamy.

UPDATE: The joke by Russel Peters has been credited.

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