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“I Quit My Job And Even Terminated A Pregnancy For Him, And Then He Disappeared!”

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By Oxfam India:

I screamed and burst into tears, “You don’t understand my feelings. What kind of solutions are you suggesting?” The counselor on the other side of the table however sat calmly, unfazed by the outburst. “Well, I am in love with him and you tell me to leave him. Will I not be upset?” I demanded to know. But Meena didi (the Social Worker) did not even blink at my tantrums. And I slowly realised that she was only testing me and my determination to sustain the relationship. And then she became my confidante and friend.

inter caste marriage

It all began when I fell in love with Dasarathi, my classmate in college, and we got married at a temple. I belong to a Scheduled Caste while Dasarathi belongs to a Scheduled Tribe, a social grouping that is considered higher than SCs in Kandhamal.

After we started living together, I realised that he was a very possessive person. He did not like the fact that I was working because to him that meant that I would be interacting with other men. He got so jealous after a point that he wanted me to quit my government job as a teacher. And I did… for him! Though we struggled for money, it was ok with us.

The fairytale went on until one day his estranged family decided to intervene. His brother dropped in one day and took him out for a while. Dasarathi told me he would be back in just a bit, and since his brother had come to their house for the first time, he would be staying for dinner. He left me with instructions that I should start cooking. I got on with the task and cooked an elaborate meal. All done, I waited for them to return. But they never came back home.

After waiting until the next morning, I called him and got to know that his brother had taken him away and had no plans of sending him back. Aghast and alone, I spent days trying to contact him. At times, he would send messages that he will come home soon but never turned up. Then, 26 days later, I went to the Women Support Centre at Phulbani’s Superintendant of Police’s office, run by ISD. I had seen the sign board many times so I knew where the Centre was. What I did not know was that I would need it one day.

The Centre staff listened to my whole story, established the fact that I was never legally married to Dasarathi and that it was unlikely that he would come back. They now needed to work out a strategy and, as a first step, asked me to move in with my parents. I asked them to send a letter to him but the social workers told me to be patient. And that a letter may be perceived mistakenly as a divorce notice. They wanted to meet him and talk to him.

I faced problems from other quarters too. My parents refused to take me back but agreed to let me live with my grandmother. I was now jobless too, and so I joined the training centre at Ahimsa NGO, working as a counselor. I also shifted to the government run shelter home attached to the NGO.

My husband would repeatedly call me and say a lot of sweet nothings. He would come to visit and bring gifts. But, there never was a word of commitment from him on when he would get back together with me.

When the Support Centre finally sent him a notice, his elder brother appeared and argued on his behalf. I argued that my husband was not a child and that he should come and settle matters. Yet, nothing happened. There was even a time when he got drunk and came to Ahimsa to argue with me. When our Director intervened, he beat the Director up and had to be arrested. It was a very frustrating time for me. But the Support Centre did not let me give up.

I had left my job for him. I had to even terminate a pregnancy because he did not want children yet. And his disappearance is what I got as a reward. But Ahimsa taught me confidence. So while I wanted that he be punished, I did not want to leave him either because I loved him so much.

The Support Centre then arranged for another meeting where Dasarathi finally showed up, apologised and agreed for a court marriage. The counseling team facilitated an agreement for a court marriage. It was then that I, because of the support from the social workers, decided that I did not want to marry him. He had no respect for me, why should I then do this was my question. His face was a sight to behold when I said that. While initially reluctant, I finally agreed to the marriage. The main issue for him was that his elder brother was ostracizing him as I belonged to a lower caste according to them. And that because of this, he might never find a suitable bride. That was the peg his brother used for an emotional blackmail.

With Dasharathi agreeing to a court marriage, and his family coming around, I in a way proved that I can fight my battles and win them too. “Sabita stands as an icon for fight against caste discrimination and politics in Kandhamal which has been a hotbed for so much contempt and stigma based on caste for so long,” said Meena, the social worker at the Support Centre.

Needless to say, my wedding was a family affair for the WSC team who backed me at each step in my pursuit of happiness.

You must be to comment.
  1. Babar

    This fictional story is meant to bank on people’s emotions. In reality, most divorces are initiated by women, and there reasons range from boredom to lack of chemistry to better sex elsewhere to more freedom and wanting to be single again. Of course, men are raped in divorce courts as women get the children, alimony, and half of a man’s property.

    Women are truly liberated.

    1. rebel

      The problems of pre marital sex and abortion has surely got a bad effect on the society.But everything cannot be judged upon women , even men have the obligation towards these things.
      Nowadays people are going against patriarchy,societal rules,etc.Youth want freedom for doing whatever they want, they don’t heed towards the orders of their family.
      And as a result this is what happens.
      I dont mean to say that everything the patriarchy and society brings should be followed,but they should try to take the positives out of it.
      pre marital sex is a taboo , in our society,and there have been many protests and opinion against the society for keeping it a taboo.The youth have to reason out the implications of premarital sex on themselves , on the build up of the society , etc and have to make a decision upon that.

    2. Kartik

      Oh look, it is Babar, my favorite male chauvinist is back to put points at exactly the wrong forum.

      Here is an idea Babar, go start a support group for the oppressed men, this post is about the violence a woman faced and also what her husband would have had to bear while his family was forcing him to break away from the girl.

      You can keep highlighting the plight of men at the right forum.
      You also know you can’t deny the gender violence in India and please stop being an idiot

    3. Avinesh Saini

      Man, you surely are relentless.

  2. Babar

    Feminists promote sexual liberation with the help of pro-abortion feminist groups, who encourage promiscuity, praise nudity, encourage women to dress scantily, and promote abortion. With a rise in multiple transient sexual relationships, premarital sex and extramarital affairs in the name of women’s liberation and emancipation, an increase in pregnancies outside marriage, especially teenage pregnancies is inevitable. With that comes the need for an abortion.

    1. joshua

      Do you know how immature and silly you sound?

    2. Kartik

      Actually he does not know that.

      His mission in life is to troll such forums.

    3. Not a feminist

      You pathetic piece of shit.

      Do you even know what feminism is? You clearly don’t! It’s not about dressing scantily but more about dressing the way a woman wants.. Rascals like look at women even they are burkha. It’s because of men like you that the whole gender gets a bad name.

      And you realise that these feminist that you are talking about are having sex with men. So you are fine with men having premarital sex but not women?? Tell me how does that work?

      Instead of spewing hate here.. Why don’t you just crawl back to the rat hole you came from and make this world a better place you moron

  3. Jasmeet

    After reading the whole, i am still in that state why did she married to that man again who left her knowing the fact she is doing everything what he wanted? What if he would leave her again by sm other reason next time? what she will do when she would have kids and again this melodrama happen? For me, this sounds the immaturity of this women not at all an intelligent descion just for the sake of love when trust is already been lost!

  4. sakshar

    Moral: Love is not BLIND. Because of love ppl wants to be BLIND.
    Hats off to that Lady for her ultimate commitment for love.

  5. Preeti

    That is because he loved you and not only himself, there are some parasite who love themselves. Women fall in such love traps, which are only temporary. For a woman all is lost in that trap. What could you do if his family would have got him married to another woman when they took him away from you after the live-in? In your case, he has the wish to be with and so he came back. There are men who have good times and then go ahead and settle with a woman who their family selects, their society selects. They then find happiness, honour and right of the other woman on them. What can one do than, snatch the other woman’s Home for completing yours with a man who thinks you can do without him?

    I would say the best is to be independent and stand on your own feet. Be strong enough to earn your own living with dignity. It is better to love an orphan and give him a Home, which he or she rightly deserves. And if you think you are vandalised by love so much that you cannot love anyone else, love yourself, love the God who created you so wonderfully and take pride in keeping his creation happy 🙂

  6. RDG

    You marrying this spineless man wasn’t a symbol of your strength but a sign of how truly dependent and desperate you are.
    So quit making this about how noble and sacrificial you are. Grow up, get some self-respect and get over yourself.

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A former Assistant Secretary with the Ministry of Women and Child Development in West Bengal for three months, Lakshmi Bhavya has been championing the cause of menstrual hygiene in her district. By associating herself with the Lalana Campaign, a holistic menstrual hygiene awareness campaign which is conducted by the Anahat NGO, Lakshmi has been slowly breaking taboos when it comes to periods and menstrual hygiene.

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