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‘Slut’ Is What I Am Supposed To Feel Like

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By The Rioterrr:

‘Slut’ in all its phonetic glory is a word sublime enough to convey the wide spectrum of emotions I experience everyday.

slut

‘Slut’ is that shade of scarlet lipstick that I have taken to wearing lately – the exact shade of the bandhni dupatta I carried with me during college, when I had to wait at bus stops because my breasts scream for attention, seemingly with a life of their own.

‘Slut’ is what I am supposed to feel like when I went for a routine check up to a doctor two days ago and was molested by him.

‘Slut’ is what I definitely feel like when I come home after that experience cool as a cucumber and sneak in a beer, edit a few essays, watch a documentary and try to fall asleep. ZERO tears, ZERO pain. It’s just another day and just another ‘it happens’. For a quick minute, my numbness accosts me. That word ‘slut’ softly passes through the back of mind again when I message random people from my address book, wanting to find the person who is the just right degree of ‘stranger’ – won’t burden me with sympathy I don’t need and will probably just listen.

‘Slut’ is that sensation I feel when I confront the doctor the next day and he implies that I should not have come alone for a consultation, unleashing the full depth of my anger. I come home again and stand nude in front of the bathroom mirror for a full five minutes and just feel comforted that I am older and invulnerable to that sensation of shame that I know I am supposed to feel.

Slutty is that cringe I try to hide when I know someone circulated a video of me dancing drunk at some party. Slutty is that tiny smirk that finds its way to my lips when I’m dancing in a club with those filthy moves and a woman says quietly, “She will dance with ANYBODY.” So true!

Sloppy is what I feel like when I accidentally let slip to some auto driver that I live with my Grandma, and then quickly reassert that my brothers live with me, too. Epic fail on feminist grounds and for the ego.

It’s definitely the slutty side of life I am staying on when I refuse to change how I walk when a friend tells me I sway my hips a little too much. My laughter is too loud. My clothes are revealing…and on it goes.

With age, comes the ability to break down problems and see patterns. I sure as fuck see it. There is a nuance in language that I would have missed when I was younger. It states that my body is not just my own, and that permission is formality. And that women, with all their dreams and darkness can be shoved into cute little checkboxes that convey the dichotomy of their existence.

Sexy OR shabby

Shy OR confident

Sweet OR slutty

Hard to get OR easy

Smart cookie OR stupid cow

The language is designed to fool you into thinking if you fall in the right box, you will be treated well by men (in whose hands your safety rests).

I can deal with gropes and verbal abuses hurled at me when I walk down the street, but when my little cousin tells me that she doesn’t want me to read her the Barbie story because Barbie wears a revealing bikini on the beach and hence is a ‘yucky’ girl, I am fucking broken at how ingrained the concept of shame is (and who’dda thought I’d defend Barbie? Sweet irony). I’m convinced that I should write it all down, even if I think catharsis is what is truly yucky. Shaming anybody for their gender is never okay.

It’s taken me a good number of years to realize that I fit neatly into a hybridized version of several definitions of a slut, and I am inexplicably comfortable with it. These days I am just hoping to prove that I will not let that bullshit language colour how I see myself. So when I hear someone mention how women who smoke are just trying to be slutty, I resist the urge to start a fight. I realize it’s much more liberating to embrace every appellation thrown my way, selected to make me uncomfortable. So there you go. That four letter word doesn’t leave me reeling , wishing to give an unnecessary explanation to some fool about how I’m really just another person trying to get by. I’m just happy doing whatever it is that gives me pleasure, and if that make me a slut, I’m happy with that too.

This post was previously published at Gaysi Family.

You must be to comment.
  1. Babar

    Women go around calling men bastards, male chauvinist pigs, and shame them with words like misogynist, if men every raise their voice against the appalling misandry that has gripped society today – but that is okay. Being called a ‘slut’ is bad, but feminists spreading lewdness by promoting skimpy clothing under the guise of women’s liberation, breaking families, promoting transient sexual relationships, promiscuity, and tearing the moral fabric of society is acceptable.

    On the bus, why does a girl place her hand on mine when it is placed on the bar in the bus, another rub her breasts in my back, and yet another try to rub the back of her hand in my crotch. During a wedding, why do girls stare at me like they have never seen a man before, ogle incessantly, and then stare at me up and down? Why does a girl refuse to move from the door of a shop even after I have said ‘excuse me’ loud enough, so that while I pass through the narrow space, her breasts rub into my body? While buying a CD, why do girls sandwich me and then try and feel me?

    I should have remembered. Men are not human beings.

    1. Sid

      Well… those harassments you suffered are part of female uplifting and the essence of feminism.. 😉

      Let those feminists gather and imagine your naked body whilst ripping off your clothes in their minds.

      When these dominated females join in group and find an innocent, alone male passing by, any guesses how they act/react?

    2. Anu

      haha mate, you wish !

  2. TheSeeker

    I’m not saying this as an excuse for rape or molestation but, seriously, why is revealing clothes becoming a characteristic of feminity? Why do women feel the need to reveal their upper thighs and breasts? This ‘wear anything i want’ culture is just disgracing women more and depicting them as sexual objects! Clearly, you don’t see men walking around and trying to show some more of their groin, do you? And if you think people shouldn’t stare at you if you were mini-skirts, backless dresses and stilettos in public, I’m sorry, you’re severely narrow minded. What happened to modesty?

    1. UnderstandThis

      Hi. No offence, but I think it’s people like you who lack just a little bit of common sense. Here is a small lesson to help you in the future: Ask yourself, is it the women who’s wearing the crop tops body or is it yours? That is right, it’s hers. It is her choice. You or anyone else for that matter should not get a say in what a female or male chooses to wear. If she wants to look hot, I promise you, she does it for herself. Ask your self another question. The person who rapes, gropes or screams filthy phrases body or is it the girl who is being attacked? That’s right. It’s theirs. They choose to harm another, touch another. Understand this, people like you are the reason this country is suffering. Have a little compassion.

    2. TheSeeker

      Appearance is a form of communication. When anyone wears revealing clothing, people judge the person on their body and not in how they are as a human being. So unless your point is to look sexually appealing, how about a more reserved style? And girls these days, they want attention from attractive men, and they definitely don’t mind when these men stare at them. But if they get the same attention from someone who’s unappealing to them, they think it’s harassment. A bit hypocritical isn’t it? And I never said rape is the victims fault.
      But the thing is, sex appeal and allure is becoming a theme branded on all women. Being a woman myself, I am against this. Why isn’t intelligence an important virtue too?

    3. Fem

      Ummm… A bit inaccurate

      “And girls these days, they want attention from attractive men, and they definitely don’t mind when these men stare at them. But if they get the same attention from someone who’s unappealing to them, they think it’s harassment.”

      No they don’t. Harassment is when one crosses a certain line. You are a woman yourself and I am sure you have had your share of attentions. And some of them unwanted from an unappealing person. Did it look like harassment to you? I am sure it didn’t. Because attention is harmless. What we should talk about is unwanted gestures/stares/touches etc. That is harassment. And I believe everyone have a right to not like it when they don’t don’t like it. The reason may be an unappealing person or anything else. Unwanted is unwanted. You can’t hold a person to like every man (or everything) if she likes a few! So no, its not hypocritical. Its called choice. And choice is always personal.

      Intelligence is an important virtue. Very important. And a whole lot of people agree. But wearing short dresses and intelligence is mutually exclusive. They do not cancel each other out.

    4. Rahul mehra

      Theseeker , i agree with u but there are some anti social elements who get aroused when they see girls wearing shorts, mini skirts etc .& to get their bad wishes fulfilled they rape any girl. because they don’t have anything to do with what is right or wrong. That’s why often girls are advised not to wear such type of clothes & its for their sake only.

  3. Aakriti Gupta

    hello sir i m from lucknow i want to join ur ngo aapka lucknow mai koi center ho to plz mujhe address dijiye or nai hai to plz help me ki mai kaise aapki help kar sakti hu
    aakriti gupta
    aakritiabhishek@rediffmail.com

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