My pillow was perpetually soaked in tears. For a week, my entire body was frozen. I had blood clots in parts I was ashamed to show. This is what he did on a recent Sunday morning – I was beaten black and blue, again, for not booking movie tickets. The price I paid for not watching a movie was rampant swearing and a lot of physical abuse.
I am an unnamed victim of domestic abuse by my ex-boyfriend. I do not have the courage to tell the world who I am. But nonetheless, I do have the courage to warn the rest. I have a smile stuck on my face, and my heart bleeds every time I look at myself in the mirror.
Everybody thinks that domestic abuse happens to women who do not have a say, may be have an alcoholic husband or just the inability to say what happened. I am an educated woman, have a corporate job, and am someone who by normal standards is quite aware of what is happening. I still don’t have the courage to say what happened.
As a person who was never hit by her own father, I was regularly beaten up for even things like not waking him up on time. I did not book tickets to a movie because I slept off. My now ex-boyfriend tried to physically manhandle me only because I loved him at one time. For three years, I silently kept bearing with these “minor” incidents. My friends were unaware of the real deal. They thought we had verbal fights. Barely did anyone know that behind the close doors, I was told that I was a prostitute and kicked in the stomach for the silliest things. And just because I believed in the stupid connotation of love, I let him be. He walked all over me. I did have other men who liked me, but I stood by him. I was trying to re-instate my love, he probably laughed in his head. And if you think the physical intimacy was a savior, well it was one sided.
I dated a man who, from social interactions, is called quite lovable. I commit the mistake to love him. And then it started. After dating for a couple of months, the abuse started. He told me that he takes me to places on his vehicle and that was his contribution to this relationship. I did everything for him. He just sat back and enjoyed. When he lost all his money on gambling, I stood by. When he had to take someone for coffee, random girls from college were the first option. I was promised fancy dinners , fancy gifts. Well, I obviously got nothing. He said that his love should be enough. I believed.
A few days ago, my now ex-boyfriend beat me up again. Even though we buried our relationship, we tried being friends. On a recent Sunday, he still thought he had the same authority. Over the years, I have been told that I had an ugly face because of a birthmark, how I should be beaten so much that I cannot walk again, that I am a home breaker and that it was because of people like me who incite men that women get beaten up. I was told once by my ex-partner that I deserved being beaten up because of who I am. I let him stay with me in my house for a year during college because he did not want to go through the entire process of finding a house. Like a blind girl, I welcomed him in my apartment.
Well yes, I bore it all. From being beaten up in a narrow lane in Delhi because I did not come to pick him up late evening, or because I was late in ordering food. I did it all. Even cooked food at odd hours because he was hungry. I surpassed every possible definition of love because he meant that much to me. He said he loved me back. But I paid a heavy price. Every time. Over and over again.
I have tried to slice my wrist once. I did so because he beat me up just because I apparently incited him. I started leaving behind my own friends because I wanted to be with him. I was blinded by the hollow definition of love.
After every such event he would feel bad, then maybe apologize, touch my hand and for him it was all fine. Not this time. I cannot do this. My ego and self esteem has been ruined by a man who has a pea sized brain. For weeks, I could not walk properly. I have had my head banged on the wall so many times that I even fainted once. He just kept beating me up. He told his friends another story. Walked like a hero without an ounce of shame.
A few days ago, he messaged me saying that I should not make a scene of what happened. I was advised by him that I should accept his fake apology because there was improvement in his attitude as time had gone by. He reinstated that talking about the past incidents does not make sense.
It has been over two weeks, and endless attempts by him to apologise. If I let him come back to me this time, I will lose myself in the process of loving this shallow man. Whatever little I have of myself will wash away.
To all the women out there, please judge the man before you fall in love. I did the wrong thing with the only man I ever dated. And now I have no trust. Love for me is meaningless. Yes, this feeling may exist for some, for me it finished the day I tried slicing my own wrist because I was madly in love.
Men do not have a right to assault you. If you let them they will, I learnt it the hardest way possible. It is a choice as to when to speak. Either you do it now or later. I regret every moment when I did not speak up. I should have, but I didn’t. For all those who think that you will speak up against these men, now is the time. Now, all I am going to do is to erase every memory from my head and start afresh. Love is something I don’t want. EVER. For those who have found the right one, you are lucky. I wasn’t, unfortunately.