By Abhishek Jha:
(On a cold winter morning, a ruminating cow suddenly finds itself surrounded by a chicken, a pig, a goat, and a buffalo at a tea-stall)
Cow: Holi Mooly! What’s wrong now? Don’t I get to lounge even at the tea-stall? I paid for the milk.
Chicken: Holy Mother, we have come to seek your blessings.
Cow: Well, you are a bit of an undisciplined stray type, child. You need to mend your ways first. You know, go to the temple sometimes.
Goat: With due respect, Holy Mother, what she means by blessings is that you help us the way you just protected your kin, the Bullock. #BeefBan is trending on twitter. Didn’t you see it?
Cow: That’s it. That’s the problem with all these young people. Flying these birdies at any ungodly hour. How come people will respect you? You need to bow, bend, and appear moodest to be respected. Have you ever tried mooing instead of talking?
Buffalo: Well, I certainly am modest. (Snuffling a little) Truth is, Mother, you don’t love us all equal.
Pig: True that, homie. I do my bit of wallowing but you are the Holy Mother. Why don’t you get us some screen time on a Saas-Bahu serial? I am tired of being repeatedly found in the Slumdog-types. A Chai-pe-Charcha at least?
Cow: Now this is un-mooing-believable. Who let his filthy snout in here? Buffalo, you know very well that I am asthmatic to such odours after that tail of a Pandit smeared colour all over my nose.
Chicken: (Bowing and resigned) Forgive us, Holy Mother. We will go back to being chopped up in Kill Bull; and brother, you can star in Reservoir Pigs.
(All bow down again)
Cow, the Holy Mother sacrosanct (in a reverend like voice): Listen, children, I will not mince my words, for they are sacred and worshipped. And looking how unruly and wayward you have become, I should think that the action of mincing serves you well. But for the sake of your souls, I suggest you take a rosary and start praying.
All (in chorus):
“And pray to God to have mercy upon us
And pray that I may forget
These matters that with myself I too much discuss
Too much explain”