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The Diary Of A Smoker: “My Affair With The Bud Soon Became An Obsessive One”
By Anuja Gupta:
It starts as a sign of defiance or peer pressure. In college I realized being a girl in India came with a rule card quite different from that of boys. Such social bias created an intrinsic disgust in me, urging me to embrace an utter defiance of stereotypes. Instead of protesting through street-demonstrations or seeking emancipation through the power of the pen – I took the easiest way out – I took to smoking.
My friendship with the bud did not grow overnight. At first, it was a bold statement I was making at college or often just an accessory my friends and I preferred to keep handy during our long chats about feminism, communism and anarchy. It made perfect intellectual sense in those days – the corridors of an intellectual Kolkata college are incomplete without a few cigarette buds strewn around.
But in those early days, the bud and I were not too close. It was a forcefully acquired taste. Yet, as time passed I subconsciously explained to myself that this was the sole symbol of my freedom from stereotypes. At other times I assured myself that I was not dependent on the tobacco. I reasoned with myself that cancer was far from touching me (one of those empty assurances we give to ourselves when we do something that we know is wrong, like drinking and driving, or drugs)! Slowly and steadily, the bud and I became inseparable.
A Promise Broken Repeatedly
I tried to quit many times on my parents’ request. You cannot possibly expect a smile on your parents’ faces when they learn about your smoking. I know their insistence has nothing to do with me being a girl and everything to do with my health. To my surprise I managed to quit each time – but I failed to stay off smoking for more than two months.
Each time I quit, there was a vacuum at certain times of the day. While I fought it for a while, beyond a time I sought excuses like – it’s my friend’s birthday, my neighbor’s dog died last night, my tests begin on Monday, and invariably returned to my friend for solace/joy/worry – out of desperation. I reached a point where I decided that the idea of quitting was meaningless because I would find the motivation only when I truly wanted to give it up – I reasoned that “now is not the time”.
My affair with the bud soon became an obsessive one. As I grew older, I realized that I was smoking more than any of my friends – gender notwithstanding.
A Run To Remember
They say great realizations come from the smallest experiences – Very true.
I realized some months back, that I had put on some extra weight. Now, it was not the first time that something like this had happened – so I quickly decided that the easiest way out was a good jog and a quick work out. Thankfully losing weight was always a really fast process for me.
However, my enhanced smoking made it more and more difficult for me to regain my lost stamina. Climbing a long flight of stairs without panting and feeling breathless, had become impossible for me. Thus, it was hardly surprising when 15 minutes in to the jog I felt my breath ceasing and my throat choking.
Slowly but surely my body gave up and I could barely go on after the first 20 minutes. Towards the end of the jog I could feel myself glancing at my watch more and jogging less. I kept reassuring myself: “Another 30 seconds….think of the time when you will have your stamina back…if you don’t go on for another minute you will never be fit again…”
Quitting Is Difficult
I thought that I would be so disgusted at my lack of stamina that I would never smoke again. However, the process of quitting is hardly that easy. I am still trying to muster up the will and courage to quit the bud. It touches and affects our lives in different ways – yet, in the long run it is never a true friend. I don’t know if smoking really kills but I do know that it slows us down too fast for us to even realize. My struggle to quit continues and often I lose the battle and then decide to try harder with renewed vigor. Hopefully I will succeed soon.
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General Muffin
I really hope that you can get rid of this horrible addiction very soon. You will see your stamina increase rapidly in the first fortnight even. I think that will act as a motivation for you to keep away from that horrible habit. The main battle that you have to win is within you. Keep some close friends as company who will refuse to let you light up even if it means being rude to you. You may also seek professional help if feel like you need it.
Sincerely,
A well-wisher.
Anonymous
Even i am going through the same phase. I tried to quit smoking many time , but all went in vein. Even i started gaining weight and people often used to point my tummy. The best thing to get rid was jogging. Earlier i used to job for 10 min and slowly and slowly it has been increased to 20 min. But still i smoke (only occasionally) and for me its hard to quit. Lets see how it goes.
Ex-Smoker
It is one of the worse addictions, yes. My story is very similar to yours. However, there is one book that helped me get out of the horrible habit – How to Quit Smoking by Allen Carr. We tend to make a hundred excuses to continue and this book puts all of them in perspective. It’s like a ex-smokers legacy that we try to pass on to as many people as we can 🙂
Hope it helps you as well.
Arindam Paul
A brave article. I love when people are ready to be vulnerable.
Durga
It’s appalling, how a small habit can snowball into something so life threatening!
Kudos to your bravery. I hope and pray that you come out of it soon. Good luck!
Jai Anand
I wouldn’t like to comment on how to quit or not, but I respect the author for realizing and writing down her thoughts. She has been able to express her thoughts exactly on how it becomes an accessory in so called intellectual talks on society, and often today, marijuana has become an accessory too for these talks. Personally, I feel the hardest thing is not any bodily demand for nicotine but it’s that vacant gap/accessory that is missed. The more you think consciously about quitting a thing, the harder it becomes.
Anonymous
I am currently trying to quit smoking for the first time in 7 years. My mom has been my biggest support and constant cheerleader. It used to scare me that I won’t be able to have another cigarette, so now I simply don’t think about that. I save up the money I would have spent on smoking and buy myself treats to keep me motivated.
Maria Waris
Thanks for the article, it shows how smoking can turn from pride to a regret, I am not a smoker myself but yes I hav friends who do smoke and I try to show them the darker sides of this momentary pleasure that they wish for, but it goes in vain …the other day I was having a discussion with a friend.. I was trying to be as convincing as possible and i explained the samething but the rationale I got from them was, ‘it’s better to die from smoking and throwing stubs around than stress that causes cancer!’ young blood does not understand this, but I hope that smokers who read this can have an insight of there own and they may realize that how they will get addicted within no time without them even knowing!!