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‘I Thought I Was The Most Satisfied And Happy Boyfriend In The World. But, I Was Wrong’

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By Rakesh*:

Falling in love is the best thing that can happen to anybody. I fell in love with a junior from my college. Purbi (name changed) was everything I was looking for – beautiful, smart, eloquent and outgoing. Within a few weeks, I asked her out for a movie-cum-dinner date and because things were going so well, we started dating that night itself.

Slow But Steady

Our relationship seemed quite normal, and like that of any other couple in the beginning. Hanging out together, strong emotional attachment, great physical intimacy, weekend trips and outdoor stays. We grew inseparable within a few months. I thought I was the most satisfied and happy boyfriend in the world. But, I was wrong.

Couple-break-up
Slowly, I started noticing odd changes in our relationship. Intimacy was replaced by exhausting fights, daily greetings by doubts and mistrust. It took me almost two years to realise that her possessive nature made her control my life. She had been verbally abusive and emotionally threatening towards me. And now, she had even begun throwing unnecessary fits of physically abusive rage in public places.

First Episode

I distinctly remember the first time Purbi slapped me in the middle of a busy street in Mumbai. I didn’t hit back, scream or cry. She was angry that I had helped a female friend with some work but I felt it was insensitive of her to react that way.

Soon, if I spoke to any girl, her friends or mine, she would pick a fight. She would embarrass me with doubtful questions and hurtful words in front of a group of friends. These fights would go on for a long time and end up in Purbi getting physically aggressive. Her reactions made me feel afraid of speaking to my female friends.

I would spend days just apologising and calming her down. Purbi wouldn’t speak to me properly or let me near her. She was intentionally violent. Some of my friends tried counselling her, but nothing worked to change her attitude.

From Bad To Worse

Soon fighting became an everyday routine. To patch things up I asked her to spend some time at my house one day. But within a few hours, she started looking for excuses to swear at me. Arguments got heated and she ran into the kitchen, grabbed a knife and cut her hand. She threatened to hurt me as well. I immediately called my parents and asked them to attend to her.

My parents, petrified by what they had seen, asked me to immediately break all ties with her. I still loved her but I knew that I had to act. After days of stress, I mustered up the courage to break up with Purbi. I didn’t want any major accident hurting either of us, but a calm conversation and that would be all.

A Closure

I went to meet her at a café, well prepared to receive a bad reaction. She was angry that I had not arrived on time and started verbally abusing me as soon as I reached the café. I had asked a few friends to join me for support. She ill-treated them for encouraging me. I finally told her that I was giving up on her. She got furious.

Her antics wouldn’t help her that day. I had made up my mind. I was putting an end to the torture. I wasn’t comfortable or happy with the relationship. I had lost weight and fell sick often. I had started feeling depressed and lonely. Putting an end to this negative relationship was important for me to get better.

Soon after my break-up, I left Mumbai and started living in Goa. Life is getting better and I am happy that I stood up against my suffering.

*Rakesh (name changed) is a 25-year-old businessman in Goa.

Were you abused by your partner too? Share your experiences in the comments section below.

You must be to comment.

  1. Monica I.

    Hi, thank you so much for sharing your story! It was very brave of you to stand up to abuse. You should return to Mumbai! 😀

  2. One does identif.

    Oh m god, this is just like m life’s story.
    Past five years I have been with this girl.
    Past five years I have had to endure hell having faith in her, hoping, begging that she would do something about her ghastly behaviour.

  3. Jake

    Well the funny thing is every confession or the person who breaks up ties with other one puts the blame on other person. The person who wrote this is not a person bathed in milk itself.

    1. Monistaf

      I agree with you, that there are TWO sides to every story. I just hope that you apply that same logic when a girl writes about how she was molested or abused.

  4. sumeet

    wise dicision.

  5. amit

    Girls and relationships with them are tough to handle. They always want everything how they like, and if done some mistake, they like to get mad and see their partner struggling to make them happy again.
    Your case was pretty intense my friend. I emded my relationship with a girl quite calmly.
    I had known it at first instance and after 3 months of torture i had made her break it up by herself. All i did is started caring less for her, didnt met for longer. Stopped dating and kept myself busy in stuffs. Girls stop feeling pretty soon. She did got mad at me countless times. But winner is the one who has patience. Now i am happy, she is also happy in her life. I love her and so miss her sometimes i know, but i make myself think, she doesn’t worth my love. Finding someone who respect my love the same way. So does every guy should. Someone is definitely out there.

  6. MajorBS

    My friend calls me in the middle of the night
    Can you come over, I need to talk with you…
    I could clearly hear the commotion in his house, considering its 2:00 am, I guessed its not some usual chit chat. I drove up to his place. I saw him sitting in his living room with his hands over his head. Classic human gesture to isolate themselves from their hostile surroundings. He is a married man, kind of arranged love marriage one can say. Their parents let them date for 6 months before they finally asked them to get married.
    What the girls family did not tell him was that she had been treated for mental illness and random acts of violence since she was in 9th grade. She breaks down once in a while, but he never told any of his friends what he found out about his wife. Today she is upset that she does not have enough dish washing liquid in the house. She decided to break everything that is breakable in her kitchen. He swore that it happens at least 2 times a month and he has been attacked and sustained serious bruises more than once. Suddenly I realized why he was “Falling down the steps” too often lately.

    I watched in horror as the lady who was always smiling and calm whenever I met her, who was more than willing to help me move in to my new house, who brought lunch for my mother when she was in the hospital; act like she has been possessed by some demon. We did not know what to do. He did not want to give her the sedative her doctor prescribed for similar circumstances. She wouldn’t take it either. I waited and tried to divert her attention to my affairs, my mother and her health. After hearing me and talking to me for almost 2 hours without stopping her fit, she finally calmed down. 3 days later at about the same time I received a call from her. He was not ready to put her on pills, so he took it all.

  7. P

    I was diagnosed with Major Depression and had started treatment. There existed a lot of chaos in my life of 20 years and I had also recently severed ties with my oldest friend turned boyfriend.
    I met someone new. He gave me hope. I cautioned myself against getting too hooked. Unfortunately, he never understood my depression, which I now understand is too difficult for non suffers to understand, which put aside he was manipulative, insecure and mistrustful. My depression was at its worst and so I did not realise what was happening to me. He feel ill and I did everything to take care of him. He was an outstation student in my city so even my family walked an extra mile to help me. His illness lasted long and depression hit him too. He took me down with him. He blamed me of being inattentive, selfish and lying. My self image couldn’t have been worse. Eventually I distanced my self from him, but not before convincing him to seek psychological help. He became sucidal and blamed me for it. I cannot blame him for everything because I understand the disease and stigma of depression (and being a boy at the same time). I can’t put in words the emotional abuse I went through because he made fun of my depression and later couldn’t deal with his own either.
    I am in a good place in my life now I am an artist and a blogger who is happy; still dealing with depression. Today I know that I have to be healed before getting into another relationship and loving myself before I do anyone else.
    I am also trying to end stigma related to Depression, mental illness.

  8. Insiya

    I was in an emotional abusive relationship 2 years ago. I was going on with it for 2 years when I finally realized that I had enough. Love doesn’t make you choose between him and family – especially when the situation is not too bad.
    I had gone against my family and engaged a boy – he was just from my caste but his family background wasn’t that great. Throughout the 2 years of our love (hate) life, he would pick fights on the smallest of things. Emotional blackmailing was his best friend and I was always left to choose between my happiness and his. Because I gave in to his happiness a lot, I mostly ended up breaking friendships, spoiling family relations and curbing my ambition. After my nikah and before my rukhsati, I finally gave up. I broke our relationship 2 weeks before my wedding and that was probably the best decision of my life.

    I still don’t say that he was a bad guy. Maybe he was just looking for a submissive wife who would tolerate everything and give in to everything he demanded. He was not something I was looking for. Loves makes us do unimaginable things but now, I know that I have high tolerance levels and won’t give up on my future partner very easily, if time stretches us above and beyond our boundaries.

  9. Niraj Pal

    I was in depression and react weirdly to everything around me. I used to throw everything near me, and abuse my girlfriend often, Though, when i calmed down, I did apologize to her but that was not the solution what we were actually looking for. But the good part is, that despite of all these we supported each other, she always stand beside me during my bad times like a strong pillar. And now, I could say that I am better than earlier. We are getting married in the next couple of months, but I must say that every problem has a solution and every story has two faces, so don’t ignore one….while trying to fix the other.

    1. Sneha

      Well done sir.

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An ambassador and trained facilitator under Eco Femme (a social enterprise working towards menstrual health in south India), Sanjina is also an active member of the MHM Collective- India and Menstrual Health Alliance- India. She has conducted Menstrual Health sessions in multiple government schools adopted by Rotary District 3240 as part of their WinS project in rural Bengal. She has also delivered training of trainers on SRHR, gender, sexuality and Menstruation for Tomorrow’s Foundation, Vikramshila Education Resource Society, Nirdhan trust and Micro Finance, Tollygunj Women In Need, Paint It Red in Kolkata.

Now as an MH Fellow with YKA, she’s expanding her impressive scope of work further by launching a campaign to facilitate the process of ensuring better menstrual health and SRH services for women residing in correctional homes in West Bengal. The campaign will entail an independent study to take stalk of the present conditions of MHM in correctional homes across the state and use its findings to build public support and political will to take the necessary action.

Saurabh has been associated with YKA as a user and has consistently been writing on the issue MHM and its intersectionality with other issues in the society. Now as an MHM Fellow with YKA, he’s launched the Right to Period campaign, which aims to ensure proper execution of MHM guidelines in Delhi’s schools.

The long-term aim of the campaign is to develop an open culture where menstruation is not treated as a taboo. The campaign also seeks to hold the schools accountable for their responsibilities as an important component in the implementation of MHM policies by making adequate sanitation infrastructure and knowledge of MHM available in school premises.

Read more about his campaign.

Harshita is a psychologist and works to support people with mental health issues, particularly adolescents who are survivors of violence. Associated with the Azadi Foundation in UP, Harshita became an MHM Fellow with YKA, with the aim of promoting better menstrual health.

Her campaign #MeriMarzi aims to promote menstrual health and wellness, hygiene and facilities for female sex workers in UP. She says, “Knowledge about natural body processes is a very basic human right. And for individuals whose occupation is providing sexual services, it becomes even more important.”

Meri Marzi aims to ensure sensitised, non-discriminatory health workers for the needs of female sex workers in the Suraksha Clinics under the UPSACS (Uttar Pradesh State AIDS Control Society) program by creating more dialogues and garnering public support for the cause of sex workers’ menstrual rights. The campaign will also ensure interventions with sex workers to clear misconceptions around overall hygiene management to ensure that results flow both ways.

Read more about her campaign.

MH Fellow Sabna comes with significant experience working with a range of development issues. A co-founder of Project Sakhi Saheli, which aims to combat period poverty and break menstrual taboos, Sabna has, in the past, worked on the issue of menstruation in urban slums of Delhi with women and adolescent girls. She and her team also released MenstraBook, with menstrastories and organised Menstra Tlk in the Delhi School of Social Work to create more conversations on menstruation.

With YKA MHM Fellow Vineet, Sabna launched Menstratalk, a campaign that aims to put an end to period poverty and smash menstrual taboos in society. As a start, the campaign aims to begin conversations on menstrual health with five hundred adolescents and youth in Delhi through offline platforms, and through this community mobilise support to create Period Friendly Institutions out of educational institutes in the city.

Read more about her campaign. 

A student from Delhi School of Social work, Vineet is a part of Project Sakhi Saheli, an initiative by the students of Delhi school of Social Work to create awareness on Menstrual Health and combat Period Poverty. Along with MHM Action Fellow Sabna, Vineet launched Menstratalk, a campaign that aims to put an end to period poverty and smash menstrual taboos in society.

As a start, the campaign aims to begin conversations on menstrual health with five hundred adolescents and youth in Delhi through offline platforms, and through this community mobilise support to create Period Friendly Institutions out of educational institutes in the city.

Find out more about the campaign here.

A native of Bhagalpur district – Bihar, Shalini Jha believes in equal rights for all genders and wants to work for a gender-equal and just society. In the past she’s had a year-long association as a community leader with Haiyya: Organise for Action’s Health Over Stigma campaign. She’s pursuing a Master’s in Literature with Ambedkar University, Delhi and as an MHM Fellow with YKA, recently launched ‘Project अल्हड़ (Alharh)’.

She says, “Bihar is ranked the lowest in India’s SDG Index 2019 for India. Hygienic and comfortable menstruation is a basic human right and sustainable development cannot be ensured if menstruators are deprived of their basic rights.” Project अल्हड़ (Alharh) aims to create a robust sensitised community in Bhagalpur to collectively spread awareness, break the taboo, debunk myths and initiate fearless conversations around menstruation. The campaign aims to reach at least 6000 adolescent girls from government and private schools in Baghalpur district in 2020.

Read more about the campaign here.

A psychologist and co-founder of a mental health NGO called Customize Cognition, Ritika forayed into the space of menstrual health and hygiene, sexual and reproductive healthcare and rights and gender equality as an MHM Fellow with YKA. She says, “The experience of working on MHM/SRHR and gender equality has been an enriching and eye-opening experience. I have learned what’s beneath the surface of the issue, be it awareness, lack of resources or disregard for trans men, who also menstruate.”

The Transmen-ses campaign aims to tackle the issue of silence and disregard for trans men’s menstruation needs, by mobilising gender sensitive health professionals and gender neutral restrooms in Lucknow.

Read more about the campaign here.

A Computer Science engineer by education, Nitisha started her career in the corporate sector, before realising she wanted to work in the development and social justice space. Since then, she has worked with Teach For India and Care India and is from the founding batch of Indian School of Development Management (ISDM), a one of its kind organisation creating leaders for the development sector through its experiential learning post graduate program.

As a Youth Ki Awaaz Menstrual Health Fellow, Nitisha has started Let’s Talk Period, a campaign to mobilise young people to switch to sustainable period products. She says, “80 lakh women in Delhi use non-biodegradable sanitary products, generate 3000 tonnes of menstrual waste, that takes 500-800 years to decompose; which in turn contributes to the health issues of all menstruators, increased burden of waste management on the city and harmful living environment for all citizens.

Let’s Talk Period aims to change this by

Find out more about her campaign here.

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A former Assistant Secretary with the Ministry of Women and Child Development in West Bengal for three months, Lakshmi Bhavya has been championing the cause of menstrual hygiene in her district. By associating herself with the Lalana Campaign, a holistic menstrual hygiene awareness campaign which is conducted by the Anahat NGO, Lakshmi has been slowly breaking taboos when it comes to periods and menstrual hygiene.

A Gender Rights Activist working with the tribal and marginalized communities in india, Srilekha is a PhD scholar working on understanding body and sexuality among tribal girls, to fill the gaps in research around indigenous women and their stories. Srilekha has worked extensively at the grassroots level with community based organisations, through several advocacy initiatives around Gender, Mental Health, Menstrual Hygiene and Sexual and Reproductive Health Rights (SRHR) for the indigenous in Jharkhand, over the last 6 years.

Srilekha has also contributed to sustainable livelihood projects and legal aid programs for survivors of sex trafficking. She has been conducting research based programs on maternal health, mental health, gender based violence, sex and sexuality. Her interest lies in conducting workshops for young people on life skills, feminism, gender and sexuality, trauma, resilience and interpersonal relationships.

A Guwahati-based college student pursuing her Masters in Tata Institute of Social Sciences, Bidisha started the #BleedwithDignity campaign on the technology platform Change.org, demanding that the Government of Assam install
biodegradable sanitary pad vending machines in all government schools across the state. Her petition on Change.org has already gathered support from over 90000 people and continues to grow.

Bidisha was selected in Change.org’s flagship program ‘She Creates Change’ having run successful online advocacy
campaigns, which were widely recognised. Through the #BleedwithDignity campaign; she organised and celebrated World Menstrual Hygiene Day, 2019 in Guwahati, Assam by hosting a wall mural by collaborating with local organisations. The initiative was widely covered by national and local media, and the mural was later inaugurated by the event’s chief guest Commissioner of Guwahati Municipal Corporation (GMC) Debeswar Malakar, IAS.

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