Wondering How To Deal With A Controlling Boyfriend? Auntyji Has Some Sound Advice

Posted on July 8, 2015 in Bear No More, Domestic Violence, Gender-Based Violence, Taboos
This post is a part of LoveMatters' #BearNoMore Campaign.

By YKA Staff

Far too often, we find ourselves in a not-so-sweet spot in our relationships. And sometimes, it’s easier to discuss the deepest, darkest concerns with a stranger than turn to those around us. In these situations, people often turn to columnists/advisors who can give one good expert advice.

One such person is Auntyji, a columnist on Love Matters. She has more than 2 decades of experience in sexual and reproductive health and is a helpful source of information that puts worries to rest. Add to that her style which is sharp and witty, and there might be a chance that she’ll help you laugh off your troubles and find renewed strength to confront them.

ask auntyji

In fact, Deepika’s concern (below) is one that could have plagued many of us at some point in our relationships. Find out what Auntyji has to say about it.

Deepika (24), Bangalore: “My boyfriend is a bit controlling towards me. He tends to emotionally blackmail me if I don’t do what he wants me to do. I think it’s not a big problem. But I thought I’ll ask you anyway.

Auntyji : “It’s not a big problem…” Who has decided that ji? What is less or more control? Let’s talk…

The man is a “bit controlling”. What exactly does “bit” mean, beta? Ya teh hai, ya nahin hai! Then, he also blackmails you and yet it’s just “a bit controlling”? What will make it explicit to you? When he packs you up in a gunny bag and/or gives you that one tight slap? That too for doing something he thinks you should not have done? Is this what you are waiting for to get the message?

Let’s be very clear, blackmail, showing you down, doubting, guilt tripping and more, are clearly and truly violence. There is nothing called, “pyaar mein do thappad maar deeye.” It’s straight forward violence and a quick and fast assertion of power telling you ladies who is the boss. Got it?

Don’t Cover Up For Him

Waise beta, why do you girls do it? Why are you doing it now, Deepika? Why do you ladies, put so many pardaas, so many cover ups for this sort of behaviour? Why are you in such a hurry to cut the guy so much slack on this?
Beta, please don’t be under the impression that violence is measured only in physical terms… That only hitting and roughing up construes violence. In fact, far from it. The list for what can be termed as violence is really long and clear now.

And the other truth, alarmingly so, is that women don’t like to accept or acknowledge that they may be under the threat. In fact, rather sorry to say, they even glorify their idiotic partners’ behaviours. “Oh my God, he is so jealous, he just can’t see any guy around me yaa. So sweeettt naa… So charmingggg!” Not charming kudiye, it’s harming!

Don’t Sugar-Coat What’s Problematic

Women see this kind of behaviour as a display of manliness and mistake it for a demonstration of love. “What’s the point of having a boyfriend, if he is not a little possessive.” But you won’t even come to know when that little possessiveness is going to turn into totally untrusting cruelty!

Beta, this is your life and you have the full right to do things the way you want to. Wear what you want, talk to and hang out with who you like and express yourself freely. Theek hai na? But forcing a partner in big, small, open or quiet and insidious ways to change themselves to how they think you ought to be is plain bullying and arm twisting. Please don’t gift wrap it and put a “with love” tag on it!

Why Stay If He Doesn’t Appreciate You

When we are in a relationship, which is intimate and close, we share a lot with each other. We give feedback, criticise, we correct and advise… Not because we want to show them down, change them, but because we want them to be a better person. That’s the difference.

We accept them for their eccentricities, their odd behaviour their quirks and mannerisms. That’s what makes them them – unique. But if a partner hates everything or almost everything about you, why is s/he with you anyways?

Learn To Let Go

And lastly beta, it’s always very hard to accept that someone who professes to love you so much can hurt and harm you to a degree you could never imagine. That’s why we keep covering up. Don’t do it, beta Deepika.

And all you girls out there, and gentlemen too, don’t put up with this controlling, demoing behaviour, the tantrums, hypersenstivity and unrealistic expectations… It’s all violence and don’t waste a day more with such a creature.
Take charge, please! And as far as love goes, it will come someday soon, gift-wrapped, in a brown bag perhaps… Just make sure you don’t chuck that box away!

Is something else about your partner’s behaviour troubling you? Are you unsure of what to do? Ask Auntyji. Get in touch with her by commenting below or via Facebook.

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