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Not All Women Are Maternal: “People Laughed Telling Me I’d Change My Mind. But I Never Did”
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By Anonymous:
Note: Originally published on Empathize This and republished here with their permission.
I knew when I was ten, playing with my Barbie Dolls, that I did not want children. When other girls would play house and talk about what they would name their children, I already knew that would not be a question I would ever have to answer. Of course people would laugh and shake their heads, telling me I would change my mind “when I was older.” But I never did.
When I began having sex I was very careful to not become pregnant. I took birth control pills without fail; however, after eight years of faithfully being on birth control, I nonetheless became pregnant with my daughter. So despite my lack of interest in children, I became a mother. But I never bonded with her or really even cared about her the way a fierce mother is supposed to care for her children. Despite all the advice I had been told over the years, I never became a particularly maternal person. I didn’t (and still don’t) go gaga over babies, or think about children; I just don’t want them, period.
When my daughter was two years and two months old, her father decided to leave me and return to his home and parents. We both decided she would go with him. We also knew that I would most likely never again be involved with her care. That was, indeed, the case. I saw her four more times before she died at age 28.
I still feel the judgment and condemnation of others. I still live with that pain on a daily basis and have no one to talk to about it. Often the comments are sanctimonious in nature. “I would never do anything like that, no matter what the circumstances.” Or, “What kind of woman would not want children?” Or (my favorite,) “Children are a gift from God…” The fervently religious folk get really nasty up to and including comments about my spiritual nature, and that there must be a ‘special place in hell…’ Almost always these comments are from other women.
Then there are the assumptions that a woman who does not want children must be extremely selfish, self-centered, or just plain narcissistic. Speaking only for myself, I was a paramedic for 15 years in which time people puked, pooped, or peed on or near me. I lovingly cleaned them up first and then whatever other mess there was. I am pragmatic but not selfish. Some of us are also afraid we would only perpetuate the abuse and neglect since that is what we have known (This is an entirely different story for another day).
Women are expected to naturally be good mothers, no matter who we are, but that can be a damaging stereotype. People that are ‘not cutout for parenthood,’ may simply be too busy, have an illness, or not want to bring children into our troubled world. And then there are those of us who are just not maternal. That would be me. Never have been, never will. I wish that motherhood wasn’t expected of all of us.
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The Game
You didn’t want children – your choice. But after becoming pregnant and having a child and then neglecting her – that is highly repulsive, selfish, and inhuman.
Abhi
Then why in the first place you had a child. It’s both father’s and mother’s responsibility and not just of one person. Any one of them neglecting their duty are selfish.
I get it
This is how I felt with my first child. I wasn’t ready, and was also using birth control. She and I did not bond normally either. When I got pregnant with her (and I was married) I had not yet even contemplated having kids, and we didn’t have the means to support one, so it was hard. The marriage ended when she was 2, but I did have enough attachment at that point to want custody. Still our relationship was so difficult her entire childhood.
I also understand that for some people, it’s not possible to give what you never received growing up. I’ve struggled with this too, to a lesser degree.
Monistaf
It is your body and your right whether to have a child or not. When you got pregnant against your wishes, you had a choice to abort. It is legal in India. Why then, did you not exercise your right to terminate the pregnancy? If you carried it to term, then you have to bear the responsibility of raising that child. I respect your right to be different and not to foster any maternal instincts, but once you become a mother, you have to accept the role and all that comes with it. After all, fathers who lose custody are held responsible for paying child support. Regardless of your willingness to father a child, if you do, you are forced to step up and provide for that child. Why should it be different for mothers?
nechama
I think you are brave as hell for sharing this story. You did what you knew was best for your daughter, who was raised by a loving parent. I’m so sorry that people are so terrible and judgmental. It’s also so patriarchal to assume that because you chose not to be a mother, you are a bad woman, selfish etc-all shit we never say about men who choose not to be fathers. I think we all have different things to contribute to the world, and for some of us, mothering is not one of those things. Based on just the little glimpse of you we see in the story, and your bravery in sharing, I am 10000% convinced that you are contributing to the world in very important ways.