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‘My Ex Raped Me As Punishment For Talking To A Lot Of Guys’: A Young Woman Speaks Out

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By Anonymous

Back in my final year of graduation, I started dating a guy who was two years my junior. I met him through common friends and we got along well, we liked the same soaps on TV and also had similar tastes in music. Everything seemed rosy at first. When we first started dating, he seemed a little too sweet at times but I didn’t pay much heed to it, considering the fact that he was probably not that mature in every respect. Little did I know that this would soon turn into a nightmare for me. After a few good months of getting to know each other (or so I thought), I started to realise that this guy could behave like a maniac at the slightest provocation. One particular incident that I can recall is that he once stormed out in the middle of a date because I happened to meet a senior in the café we were sitting in and the senior had complimented me. He later apologised and I passed it off as a childish outburst. I had no idea that the insecurity and extreme possessiveness would soon take over the entire relationship.

woman silhouette
For representation only

People say a little possessiveness in a relationship is good, but I faced the darker, vicious and abominable side of it. What started off with a tiff over some social media comments on my picture soon blew up into a massive argument. The argument ended in a mutual decision of taking a break and both of us working on our shortcomings. I thought things would go back to being normal soon. They didn’t. My ex threatened me with leaking pictures of our intimate moments on the Internet. He also claimed that the only thing which would stop him from doing so was if I visited him regularly for sex. He told me that he wanted more of that “bombs hell body”. He told me a woman like me who talked to a lot of guys (all of who were my friends, seniors and had known me for years) deserved to be taught a lesson.

The lesson was to strip me of my dignity by ‘exposing’ me to the world and by raping me, at his will. He said he’d continue raping me till he had had his fill and felt that the punishment for my ‘sin’ was enough. He did all of this despite knowing of my history of a troubled relationship with a person who ended up hitting me. I was scared. I could not think what my parents would go through if they found out. I thought the only way out was to listen to him. To bear getting raped. After a nerve-wrecking period of time, I finally stood up to him. I refused to accept his ‘offer’. But this episode makes me question myself. How could I have even thought of giving in to his demand? Because I wanted to save my dignity? Because I was helpless? Was this the result of putting my trust in the wrong person?

I’m yet to find all the answers. All I know is, being an independent woman in today’s world is going to result in being called a ‘slut’, a ‘whore’. But we have to fight on and not accept abuse in order to try and save ourselves from public humiliation. I was about to commit the same mistake. I hope my story helps other people realise that giving in to fear is not an option, fighting back is!

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  1. Niraj Bahadur Pal

    Do not listen to him. People like them are maniacs but they do have fear. You did something because you have trust in him doesn’t mean you will do whatever he asks for. Stop it, else you will end up doing something which is unexpected and more frustrating. I know saying all this is easy than doing it. But you have to do this if you want to get out of this mess, you can take help from different NGO’s who are working against this cause. IF he has your pictures and you know it, he too is in the pictures. Don’t fear, go ahead with your decision and stop being blackmailed.
    How could I have even thought of giving in to his demand? Because I wanted to save my dignity? : Yes, you could say that but at that point of time, you were scared and don’t know what to do next.
    Because I was helpless? Was this the result of putting my trust in the wrong person?: You cannot say that as when you put your trust in a person, the scenario were different and this life, we cannot judge ourselves by the emotions and what we did.
    Don’t question yourself , neither what you did. try to forget it as a nightmare. There’s a long life in front of you. And if you can tell your story, you can do anything. Have faith and trust in you.

  2. Susaant Menon

    This is commendable — Not because you are a woman, but because this is what needs to be done by anyone, any gender who finds someone exploiting their own fear that will make them lose their dignity, or self respect….I also find this commendable because the conflicting thoughts that went into your mind very rarely crosses the critical threshold in a weak mind to help one take the absolutely correct decision you had taken. That is confront the bigger fear and exploiter….. The best thought process, is society’s respect comes later, if one can preserve their own self respect and strength in the face of danger…. Men usually knows how to confront and most if not all men, can ace it and confront the exploiters own fears to make them weak…. That is evolution and hormones at play for survival…. Women unless they are protecting their own kids, usually don’t have the aggression and knowledge of taking back power from the exploiter….. That’s why they feel overwhelmed and submit to the whims of exploiters…. Exploiters can be any one, of any gender…. The easy check point to think through for women in such longish exploitation scenario or even short sudden circumstances is to remember, what is the harm of getting called a slut or a prostitute at the hands of third rate person, who cannot think women have their own sexual needs. That person bestowing you a favor by not calling you a slut is not a favor at all, but it is a tool for the destruction of your self respect….. Confronting fear takes away power from the object of your fear and in sudden situation it can lead to one getting just enough time to escape the situation unharmed.

    Another trick is to deal the humiliation and power recapturing blow to the exploiter, and threaten that person with consequences if that person is powerful (physically otherwise). Because threatening of later consequences may trigger a more violent reaction which will be to the detriment of the victim. For example– As we are all animals, we have our animal instinct…..Like when faced with angry dog or cat, or a rampaging elephant, one just stand has to stand their ground, without threatening or cornering the animal allowing the animal to escape as well. In a situation where a potential rapist is devalued by the potential victim of his/her sexuality without threatening with dire consequences, the potential rapist would lose sexual interest and more often will leave the potential victims…. That’s the reason, most prostitutes if they are not submissive and are very bold don’t get raped….. Because they know how to devalue violent sexuality of their attacker…… Hope people understand……

    BTW I have used this technique against successfully against both male potential rapists and female potential rapist….. But unfortunately in more than 2 occasions, I lost the battle to my wife who raped me and degraded my human value…. Then she kept on exploiting me in all other inhuman ways, till a point came, when I just stood my ground and left the field to fight back long war with many battles yet to be won on the legal front, which I will win….. Because I am in no mood to mortgage my self respect as a human being (not as a male) for an easy life that I might earn….. Because many men have done that and we have a situation where, irresponsible women have been milking the system to the detriment of millions of men and women, as do there are irresponsible men, who exploit weak women.

    1. Susaant Menon

      Sorry, second last para, second line should have “and NOT threaten……” instead of “and threaten…….”

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Now as an MH Fellow with YKA, she’s expanding her impressive scope of work further by launching a campaign to facilitate the process of ensuring better menstrual health and SRH services for women residing in correctional homes in West Bengal. The campaign will entail an independent study to take stalk of the present conditions of MHM in correctional homes across the state and use its findings to build public support and political will to take the necessary action.

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The long-term aim of the campaign is to develop an open culture where menstruation is not treated as a taboo. The campaign also seeks to hold the schools accountable for their responsibilities as an important component in the implementation of MHM policies by making adequate sanitation infrastructure and knowledge of MHM available in school premises.

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Harshita is a psychologist and works to support people with mental health issues, particularly adolescents who are survivors of violence. Associated with the Azadi Foundation in UP, Harshita became an MHM Fellow with YKA, with the aim of promoting better menstrual health.

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A student from Delhi School of Social work, Vineet is a part of Project Sakhi Saheli, an initiative by the students of Delhi school of Social Work to create awareness on Menstrual Health and combat Period Poverty. Along with MHM Action Fellow Sabna, Vineet launched Menstratalk, a campaign that aims to put an end to period poverty and smash menstrual taboos in society.

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As a Youth Ki Awaaz Menstrual Health Fellow, Nitisha has started Let’s Talk Period, a campaign to mobilise young people to switch to sustainable period products. She says, “80 lakh women in Delhi use non-biodegradable sanitary products, generate 3000 tonnes of menstrual waste, that takes 500-800 years to decompose; which in turn contributes to the health issues of all menstruators, increased burden of waste management on the city and harmful living environment for all citizens.

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A former Assistant Secretary with the Ministry of Women and Child Development in West Bengal for three months, Lakshmi Bhavya has been championing the cause of menstrual hygiene in her district. By associating herself with the Lalana Campaign, a holistic menstrual hygiene awareness campaign which is conducted by the Anahat NGO, Lakshmi has been slowly breaking taboos when it comes to periods and menstrual hygiene.

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