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The Problems In Decontextualizing Rituals Steeped In Patriarchy!

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By Shivani Nag:

I have grown up watching my mother and other women in my family observing fast for their husbands on karvachauth. As a kid, it did make me wonder why my father’s life was more important than my mother’s, as I loved and needed them both. I asked questions, but there were never ever any convincing answers. How could one person’s fasting result in another’s long life?

If fasting indeed did result in long lives of those we cared for, then why did my father not fast for my mother or for that matter, why did we not cut across gender divides to fast for whosoever we cared for- a friend, sister, mother, partner or anyone else? As I grew up, the discomfort with this ritual became more pronounced.

I remember a particular year when a relative from my father’s side of the family passed away in the month of August. I did not know the particular relative too well but what I did know well was that the passing away of even a distant relative on my father’s side meant no other celebrations for the rest of the year. As a kid, this was real spirit dampener. Months later, when on ‘Karvachauth’ I woke up to find my mother setting the ‘karvachauth thali’, I couldn’t stop myself from asking that if we were to not celebrate any other festival this year, then why this one?

My grandmother who was sitting nearby responded that this was not ‘any other’ festival. It was not about celebrations but about praying for my father’s long life! To hear my grandmother speak in such an assured and assertive manner was not very usual. I wondered its impact on my mother who at other times was not one of the most ritual-observing women I knew. I have never seen her observe fast on Shiv Ratri or Navratri as many in my extended family do. My mother also added that this was one festival that could not be compromised!

karvachauth thal
Image source: Blogspot

From that day onwards for a few years to come, I stopped asking her further questions or trying to convince her to stop observing the fast for my father. Not because I had suddenly found logic in what my grandmother and mother said, but their determined and assured explanations made it quite clear that if my mother were to now suddenly stop fasting and anything untoward were to happen, she would feel (and be made to feel) responsible for the rest of her life.

And nothing that I could do or say, would help her get over her own guilt of failing to observe ‘just one fast in a year’. Suddenly, the fear of my mother spending her life in guilt scared me more than the well being of my father or what anyone might to say to my mother! For someone who has always been known to share a closer bond with my father, this was not an easy experience to handle. How could something, whose non-observance fill someone with so much fear and anxiety, be an act of choice!

In the past few days, I have come across several write-ups and social media posts of women critiquing this ritual and also of those justifying why they continue to observe it. Some of the write-ups and posts disagreeing with the critique of this tradition were particularly disturbing. Disturbing, since they in their justification of observing karvachauth, they either tried to find a feministic logic in support of it or dismiss feminism altogether as something that divides women by making one set of women mock at another set of women. As someone, who also put up a social media post critiquing this tradition, there are a few things I would like to say:

Firstly, when at least some of us critique karvachauth, it is a ritual deep-rooted in patriarchy that one is critiquing, not the women observing it. To term any criticism of patriarchal practices that women are forced to observe, as the criticism of the women who observe them could not be more off the mark. Why should we not critique a ritual that puts more value on a man’s life than his wife’s?

Even the movies and ads that show some men fasting on ‘karvachauth‘ rarely fail to point it out as a mark of their gratitude for women who observe fast ‘for them’. Even temporarily putting aside the lack of scientific logic, it isn’t even a case of ‘we both observe fast for each other’s long life’. It is more a case of ‘since you are staying hungry so that I live long, let me show my gratitude by staying hungry in solidarity with you!’

Why must women in varying ways be conditioned to believe that their ultimate act of love for their husbands is in putting their husband’s well-being over and above their own? Why should not such inequality in relationships be put to question? What is the context of a society where a woman wishes that her husband outlives her?[/envoke_twitter_link] Would the death of the husband only be a loss of a loved one or does it have the power to alter her status in society? Why must a critique of an oppressive and a regressive practice be viewed as a critique not of oppressive structures but the oppressed themselves? Are not the intentions of those promoting such subversive logic suspect?

Representational image.

In fact, it is such a clever tactic employed by those who benefit from such unequal power structures to try and convince women that an attack on their fetters is indeed an attack on them and their ‘choices’! How cleverly have rituals such as ‘karvachauth‘ been created to reinforce the supremacy of a man in marriage and markers of patriarchal ownership of married women such as ‘sindoor or mangalsutra’ are sold to us as ‘women’s own choices’. And this brings me to the second concern- the issue of ‘choice’!

There are also those who have been trying to find a feminist argument for observing ‘karvachauth‘ and coming to their rescue is that one magical word- ‘choice’. Ever wondered why wanting to be size zero, suffering pain to have those perfect eyebrows and the smooth non-hairy arms, the desire to stay hungry for a day so that their male partners live long, wearing sindoor or any other marker so that the world may know of their marital status, giving their up career to take care of their children- are choices that only or mostly women make!

Have our socio-economic, political and historical contexts no role whatsoever in shaping our choices? Is it really feminism to decontextualize practices rooted in inequality and irrationality and present them as choices? Can we really not conceive of more equal ways of nurturing and demonstrating love?

In the past few days, I have read comments posted in social media that suggest that some women in current times observe fast as a token of appreciation for ‘modern-day husbands’ who allow them to wear what they want, enjoy an occasional drink, retain their surnames and jobs. Some have also gone on to argue that it could perhaps be seen as a way how women could make their husbands feel obliged by doing them a favour! After all, several ads persuading men to shower their wives with gifts on karvachauth or for that matter on Women’s day premise themselves on this principle that since women ‘sacrifice’ for you, you too must reward them and ‘buy’ them what they desire.

To begin with, if anything, feminism is about equality and in my understanding neither ‘allowing choices’, nor forced ‘sacrifices’ or feelings of ‘obligation’ fit into an ‘equality discourse’. Moreover, I hardly find them romantic either. Who gives my partner the power to allow me choices – be it of drinking, or retaining my surname post-marriage or any other? My choices are my rights, not acts of concessions granted by my partner.

I am further uncomfortable with a discourse that would rather ‘reward’ women occasionally for the sacrifices they are forced to make instead of creating conditions where such one-sided sacrifices would not be required. Also, I don’t see why I must make my partner feel ‘obliged’ for what I do for him. Do we love and care because that is what makes us happy, or are our acts of love and care investments merely that we hope will bring us some returns later? Returns that do not amount to rights but only occasional indulgences!

For those, who see in observing a karvachauth fast for the long lives of their husbands, an exercise of choice – is it really difficult for us to exercise our choices and come up with ways of celebrating the love that is not rooted in inequality, deep-seated anxiety for the other’s life or for that matter, ways that are not based on the concept of a ‘redeemable token’ that can be used later to procure little ‘allowances’?

The other day I was just thinking- is it really about a day- this responsibility of a man’s health on a woman’s shoulder. Just look at the pattern of the majority of cooking oil ads- a middle-aged, pot-bellied man who gets easily tired and a worried wife wondering what she can do and then her worries get a response when she is told that by using a particular cooking oil she can reduce her husband’s chances of getting a heart attack.

An ad that talks to her is not about her and neither is there- an ad that tells men that if you wish to live long, ‘you’ better take care! A man’s long and healthy life, we are told, depends on the ‘choice’ his wife makes! ‘Choice’ indeed! Am sure, if one tries hard enough, one can always manufacture a supporting logic no matter how weak, but why can’t we spend the same energy replacing regressive practices by progressive ones!

Lastly, after not having talked about this with my mother for ages now, this time, worried for her health I called her up in order to request her that since she is on medication and treatment and if just this time she would not observe her fast. She laughed and responded- “Oh I stopped observing it a couple of years back. Didn’t I tell you? Doesn’t make sense”. I didn’t ask more; I was just happily relieved. Maybe the 25 years of marriage gave her enough chance to undertake a longitudinal correlation study in her own head regarding life span of those whose wives did observe fast and whose did not and the results were startling!

Or maybe the maturing and increasingly more equal bond with my father over the years has convinced her that their best chance of happiness in old age lies in that they both be healthy and together for as long. On the night before karvachauth, when I had this talk with my mother, it was too personal a moment for her and me at that time, which I just shared with a few friends, but today I just felt that the hope it filled me with, was best shared.

You must be to comment.
  1. G.L.

    Men will start observing karvachauth when women will start spending their entire lives earning for men.

  2. Batman

    Women fasting for men is inequality, but men bring treated by their wives like ATMs, drivers, bodyguards, coolies, servants, advisors, planners, mechanics, plumbers is okay – not to mention the constant threat o f when she will go crazy and ruin him with a false case of dowry.

  3. G.L.

    You want equality but a man must help a woman lift her car out of the snow, a man must change a woman’s tire, a man must propose, a man must pay on dates, a man must buy a woman flowers, a man must lose his life savings paying alimony, a man must be ripped-off on the pretext of child support, a man must do more jail time for the same crime committed by a woman, a man must almost always lose custody of his child in a family court, a man must leave his seat for a woman, reservations in buses must be in place for women, metro compartments must be reserved for women, special quotas in parliament and colleges for women, during hostage situations women should be released before men, after shipwrecks women should be provided lifeboats ahead of men, women can walk free after accusing men in fake cases of rape.

  4. Spider-Man

    Women are greedy, selfish, and cunning, undeserving of men’s time, money, and attention.

    Bandh ke gale mein patta ban gaya kutta

  5. Jigsaw

    Q How do you spell WOMAN?
    Ans. U-N-G-R-A-T-E-F-U-L

  6. Nivedita

    Just read the comments below.And these are the men women fast for?

  7. Shivani

    well the comments to the write-up speak a lot. For those still wondering what is so regressive about karvachauth, a look at the comments above and you can see how -far from even being grateful for your gesture, men feel you owe it to them. If you don’t keep a karvachauth, you are termed ungrateful.. as if you owe your life to them!! What more can I say!!

  8. Batman

    More and more men today, including myself, are refusing to get married today, to avoid putting up with misandrists whose only goal in life is to suck man out of his resources. The more you give them, the more they will want, and they will never be grateful. Not to mention the daily nags, taunts, verbal, mental, emotional, and psychological abuse

    1. Akshat

      Achhi baat hai, brahmachari ban jao phir. 🙂

    2. natasha chandra

      भगवान आपका भला करे। आपके जैसे सारे मर्द अगर आपकी तरह शादी ना करे, तो औरतों की कठिनाइयां काम हो जायेगी। वैसे भी इस देश में लड़कियों की संख्या कम है। ???

  9. Jaya Pandey Jaiman

    Loved this article! So close to what I also think and based on that I stopped fasting. I never believed in it.
    You haven’t heard the new saying from the ladies who observe fast, “I like dressing up, putting mehendi, and get-together with friends”. 🙂 Now they throw Karwa Chauth parties. So it’s pity that ladies now just do this to liven up their boring life.
    But i also feel that this has been so much glorified in Yash Chopra movies that I definitely feel he’s also contributed for its popularity. I also feel that this is not going to go away from the society as some women thinks that it’s their responsibility to carry forward the rituals and festivals of our culture. Lol!
    There are lot of reasons women do observe this fast:
    1. some just follow it blindly because their mom followed it.
    2. some follow it to please their husband
    3. some follow because of fear of their in-laws, husband, society, log kya kahenge 🙂
    4. some don’t want to break it because of fear of something happening to her husband
    5. some follow it so that they are not being left-out from their friend group
    6. some are just utterly superstitious
    7. some does it because of romantic reasons
    8. some does it (fake it) – i’ve heard few eats all along the day
    9. some are so naive

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