This post has been self-published on Youth Ki Awaaz by vikrockzer. Just like them, anyone can publish on Youth Ki Awaaz.

“The Only Permanent Feeling That Has Stayed With Me Over The Years Is Sexual”

More from vikrockzer

By Vikrockzer:

TRIGGER WARNING: Graphic content

guy-699239_960_720The only permanent feeling that has stayed with me over the years is sexual. It’s difficult to recall anything clearer than my first masturbation. Sitting stark-naked in front of the TV, I tried all possible ways in which it can be done. Suddenly, an electric sensation ran from the extreme ends of my body to the pelvic area, and my penis vomited an enormous amount of white liquid all over my legs.

There was a window in one of the rooms from where I could see anyone coming in before they noticed me. It gave me an extra 5 seconds to hide in case of emergencies. Leveraging this, I always masturbated beside that window and came on the wall below it. It gave me a weird sense of pleasure to do it with the thrill of being caught. It’s still a mystery to me what my folks thought when they noticed it.

Soon, I started reading ‘sex stories’. Incest was the only section where ‘losers’ like me felt they had a shot and fantasizing about anything that has the slightest possibility of being real, turns you on really fast. The sexual imagination evolved, and so did the sexual gaze. There was nothing pious left in relationships for me, and I imagined myself with every elder cousin or young bhabis (sisters-in-law). While imagination lingered and engulfed my mind completely with sexual possibilities, the frustration of impossibility failed to find an outlet.

Let’s say you want a dog, you will ask for it; you want your rights, you will scream for it, but God forbid if you want sex, you can’t even acknowledge that desire, let alone asking for it. Stuck with this constant craving in a society which is not ready to acknowledge its existence forces you either to become anti-social or forcefully contain it within you.

Since even paying for it is illegal, a fourfold path was laid open for me – steal, cheat, manipulate or harass. Someone had to be victimised. Why only these four paths? Because the only permanent feeling that has stayed with me over the years is sexual. Not only mine but of others too.

When I was about 8, a man with strong visible cheekbones and gapped teeth, in his mid-40s used to come near our shop. Sitting on the verandah in a comfortable iron chair, he would call me with a few orange candies in his hand. I thought he liked talking to me whenever he told me to sit on his lap. Back then, I didn’t even know about something called an erection. He would tell me to hold it and see whether it was bigger than yesterday. How could it be wrong? It took place in the evening beside the main road, with people in shops all around. He was a man of money, of respect, married, with child, nothing told me that this could be wrong. If it were, at least someone would have said so. Silently, I used to have that orange candy in his lap for a year. He is still alive.

My father was away most of the time. Not far from the town we lived in, but always far from home. My mother had nothing to do in the evenings, and she was beautiful. I saw so many uncles coming by my house that I knew almost all the adults in my neighborhood. There was nothing wrong with her ‘character’ as they say. She was the only woman who would talk to men in the entire locality.

On one festive occasion of Diwali, one of the uncles brought a gift for my mother. Father was upstairs, drinking and playing cards. It was late, and we all slept. In the middle of night, I woke up and found mother sleeping in the same saree that she had worn for the function, and her velvet blouse was raised up as the uncle who had brought the gifts, sucked her breasts.

Dumbstruck, I shouted, “What are you doing?” He was shocked and started telling my mother that her headache will be fine! I shouted again and chased him out. My father was drunk, and I didn’t say anything to him. The next morning, I confronted my mother with the truth, to which she said, “He must have given me something that I went senseless.” She made me promise not to tell my father. I haven’t.

Someone had to be victimised, by means that I knew of. The first victim you find is the one who can’t say anything or wouldn’t be believed when they said. My sister was sleeping. I had a plan in mind – first, I would keep my hands over her chest, and slowly move it to feel her. As I placed one hand, she turned away from me. I tried a few times more but in vain.

Meanwhile, a girl from college started talking to me, and my sister was spared these pangs of lust. The second victim, I realised, would be the one who came to you by choice and because of this, no one will believe her. I manipulated her till I could fulfill my fantasies. I explored her body, mind, and soul and for the first time in a million years (as though) I felt – I wanted nothing more.

The curiosity was satisfied, and I didn’t want sex.

Thinking about raping someone is as sinful as raping that person. Why then, have we made a society where sex has no place to exist other than in the ‘vulgar’ thoughts of someone’s mind? If no one never quenched my thirst, and if I wasn’t afraid of consequences, wouldn’t I inevitably think that it’s sex that I want, by hook or by crook? Wouldn’t that be rape? And then you have the third kind of victims.

Make laws to ensure dreadful consequences, but how can you prevent those million atrocities happening every second to the first and second categories of victims? Is it so difficult to accept sex as a part of life? Why do you need to get behind locked doors to satisfy yourself and pretend as if nothing happened when you come out?

You must be to comment.
  1. issacthomas3


  2. Kamini

    Oh my god…. one of the best write ups i have seen revolving around sex; acceptance of sex and the hypocrisy which exists in the society.
    kudos to u !

  3. Rahul

    You just nailed it…very true !!!

  4. ashwinikumar

    i love people like you who knows reality and respect nature. sex is natural. what is sex for me, i feel i do and topic close like hunger thrust etc. thanks for sharing.

  5. shashikant

    Too good Vikrockzer. Amazing thoughts…!

  6. Dharav Sunil Shah

    brilliantly expressed friend!

    I am fully convinced about the benefits and desirability of faithfulness to one’s marital partner .

    But, I observe that there are so many people who are not in a socio-economic position to get married. Or simply have not reached the age where in nowadays marriages occur. God set this desire to start working at around 12-13 years of age. However, He was probably not aware that modern man will create such an inefficient social & educational system, that a person cannot settle before 25; and till then he cant marry.

    Our society does not provide a lot of people with any socially acceptable way of satisfying their sexual desire. Most of them spend a lot of their time in frustration; and some of them vent it out in the form of crimes. I find this scheme of things to be very unfair for everyone involved.

    I don’t have any definite answers. But I do have a lot of questions. I wish that we as a society discuss this issue and come up with some more fair and more sensible social norms regarding sexuality. We have attached too much ‘sin’ to this physiological phenomenon; which makes any healthy discussion impossible.

  7. DD

    Wow! Never thought I could come across one individual with similar thinking as me. You just spoke my mind. It’s true. We need to stop making ‘sex’ a taboo! We need to treat it like another basic human need other than food, water, shelter. Sexual frustration is worst kind of frustration. We need to accept it cause it is just one of the ‘animal’ instincts that was gifted to us in evolution.

More from vikrockzer

Similar Posts

By Rohit Malik

By Pooja jha

By swonshutaa dash

Wondering what to write about?

Here are some topics to get you started

Share your details to download the report.

We promise not to spam or send irrelevant information.

Share your details to download the report.

We promise not to spam or send irrelevant information.

An ambassador and trained facilitator under Eco Femme (a social enterprise working towards menstrual health in south India), Sanjina is also an active member of the MHM Collective- India and Menstrual Health Alliance- India. She has conducted Menstrual Health sessions in multiple government schools adopted by Rotary District 3240 as part of their WinS project in rural Bengal. She has also delivered training of trainers on SRHR, gender, sexuality and Menstruation for Tomorrow’s Foundation, Vikramshila Education Resource Society, Nirdhan trust and Micro Finance, Tollygunj Women In Need, Paint It Red in Kolkata.

Now as an MH Fellow with YKA, she’s expanding her impressive scope of work further by launching a campaign to facilitate the process of ensuring better menstrual health and SRH services for women residing in correctional homes in West Bengal. The campaign will entail an independent study to take stalk of the present conditions of MHM in correctional homes across the state and use its findings to build public support and political will to take the necessary action.

Saurabh has been associated with YKA as a user and has consistently been writing on the issue MHM and its intersectionality with other issues in the society. Now as an MHM Fellow with YKA, he’s launched the Right to Period campaign, which aims to ensure proper execution of MHM guidelines in Delhi’s schools.

The long-term aim of the campaign is to develop an open culture where menstruation is not treated as a taboo. The campaign also seeks to hold the schools accountable for their responsibilities as an important component in the implementation of MHM policies by making adequate sanitation infrastructure and knowledge of MHM available in school premises.

Read more about his campaign.

Harshita is a psychologist and works to support people with mental health issues, particularly adolescents who are survivors of violence. Associated with the Azadi Foundation in UP, Harshita became an MHM Fellow with YKA, with the aim of promoting better menstrual health.

Her campaign #MeriMarzi aims to promote menstrual health and wellness, hygiene and facilities for female sex workers in UP. She says, “Knowledge about natural body processes is a very basic human right. And for individuals whose occupation is providing sexual services, it becomes even more important.”

Meri Marzi aims to ensure sensitised, non-discriminatory health workers for the needs of female sex workers in the Suraksha Clinics under the UPSACS (Uttar Pradesh State AIDS Control Society) program by creating more dialogues and garnering public support for the cause of sex workers’ menstrual rights. The campaign will also ensure interventions with sex workers to clear misconceptions around overall hygiene management to ensure that results flow both ways.

Read more about her campaign.

MH Fellow Sabna comes with significant experience working with a range of development issues. A co-founder of Project Sakhi Saheli, which aims to combat period poverty and break menstrual taboos, Sabna has, in the past, worked on the issue of menstruation in urban slums of Delhi with women and adolescent girls. She and her team also released MenstraBook, with menstrastories and organised Menstra Tlk in the Delhi School of Social Work to create more conversations on menstruation.

With YKA MHM Fellow Vineet, Sabna launched Menstratalk, a campaign that aims to put an end to period poverty and smash menstrual taboos in society. As a start, the campaign aims to begin conversations on menstrual health with five hundred adolescents and youth in Delhi through offline platforms, and through this community mobilise support to create Period Friendly Institutions out of educational institutes in the city.

Read more about her campaign. 

A student from Delhi School of Social work, Vineet is a part of Project Sakhi Saheli, an initiative by the students of Delhi school of Social Work to create awareness on Menstrual Health and combat Period Poverty. Along with MHM Action Fellow Sabna, Vineet launched Menstratalk, a campaign that aims to put an end to period poverty and smash menstrual taboos in society.

As a start, the campaign aims to begin conversations on menstrual health with five hundred adolescents and youth in Delhi through offline platforms, and through this community mobilise support to create Period Friendly Institutions out of educational institutes in the city.

Find out more about the campaign here.

A native of Bhagalpur district – Bihar, Shalini Jha believes in equal rights for all genders and wants to work for a gender-equal and just society. In the past she’s had a year-long association as a community leader with Haiyya: Organise for Action’s Health Over Stigma campaign. She’s pursuing a Master’s in Literature with Ambedkar University, Delhi and as an MHM Fellow with YKA, recently launched ‘Project अल्हड़ (Alharh)’.

She says, “Bihar is ranked the lowest in India’s SDG Index 2019 for India. Hygienic and comfortable menstruation is a basic human right and sustainable development cannot be ensured if menstruators are deprived of their basic rights.” Project अल्हड़ (Alharh) aims to create a robust sensitised community in Bhagalpur to collectively spread awareness, break the taboo, debunk myths and initiate fearless conversations around menstruation. The campaign aims to reach at least 6000 adolescent girls from government and private schools in Baghalpur district in 2020.

Read more about the campaign here.

A psychologist and co-founder of a mental health NGO called Customize Cognition, Ritika forayed into the space of menstrual health and hygiene, sexual and reproductive healthcare and rights and gender equality as an MHM Fellow with YKA. She says, “The experience of working on MHM/SRHR and gender equality has been an enriching and eye-opening experience. I have learned what’s beneath the surface of the issue, be it awareness, lack of resources or disregard for trans men, who also menstruate.”

The Transmen-ses campaign aims to tackle the issue of silence and disregard for trans men’s menstruation needs, by mobilising gender sensitive health professionals and gender neutral restrooms in Lucknow.

Read more about the campaign here.

A Computer Science engineer by education, Nitisha started her career in the corporate sector, before realising she wanted to work in the development and social justice space. Since then, she has worked with Teach For India and Care India and is from the founding batch of Indian School of Development Management (ISDM), a one of its kind organisation creating leaders for the development sector through its experiential learning post graduate program.

As a Youth Ki Awaaz Menstrual Health Fellow, Nitisha has started Let’s Talk Period, a campaign to mobilise young people to switch to sustainable period products. She says, “80 lakh women in Delhi use non-biodegradable sanitary products, generate 3000 tonnes of menstrual waste, that takes 500-800 years to decompose; which in turn contributes to the health issues of all menstruators, increased burden of waste management on the city and harmful living environment for all citizens.

Let’s Talk Period aims to change this by

Find out more about her campaign here.

Share your details to download the report.

We promise not to spam or send irrelevant information.

A former Assistant Secretary with the Ministry of Women and Child Development in West Bengal for three months, Lakshmi Bhavya has been championing the cause of menstrual hygiene in her district. By associating herself with the Lalana Campaign, a holistic menstrual hygiene awareness campaign which is conducted by the Anahat NGO, Lakshmi has been slowly breaking taboos when it comes to periods and menstrual hygiene.

A Gender Rights Activist working with the tribal and marginalized communities in india, Srilekha is a PhD scholar working on understanding body and sexuality among tribal girls, to fill the gaps in research around indigenous women and their stories. Srilekha has worked extensively at the grassroots level with community based organisations, through several advocacy initiatives around Gender, Mental Health, Menstrual Hygiene and Sexual and Reproductive Health Rights (SRHR) for the indigenous in Jharkhand, over the last 6 years.

Srilekha has also contributed to sustainable livelihood projects and legal aid programs for survivors of sex trafficking. She has been conducting research based programs on maternal health, mental health, gender based violence, sex and sexuality. Her interest lies in conducting workshops for young people on life skills, feminism, gender and sexuality, trauma, resilience and interpersonal relationships.

A Guwahati-based college student pursuing her Masters in Tata Institute of Social Sciences, Bidisha started the #BleedwithDignity campaign on the technology platform, demanding that the Government of Assam install
biodegradable sanitary pad vending machines in all government schools across the state. Her petition on has already gathered support from over 90000 people and continues to grow.

Bidisha was selected in’s flagship program ‘She Creates Change’ having run successful online advocacy
campaigns, which were widely recognised. Through the #BleedwithDignity campaign; she organised and celebrated World Menstrual Hygiene Day, 2019 in Guwahati, Assam by hosting a wall mural by collaborating with local organisations. The initiative was widely covered by national and local media, and the mural was later inaugurated by the event’s chief guest Commissioner of Guwahati Municipal Corporation (GMC) Debeswar Malakar, IAS.

Sign up for the Youth Ki Awaaz Prime Ministerial Brief below