By Radha Kapoor:
I was quite apprehensive in the beginning, but you were not, as all you wanted was to just awaken the love in me without any intention of loving me.
Meeting you was a beautiful experience; maybe because I was at an emotionally chaotic place when I met you first and the whole idea of you seemed overwhelmingly exciting. I have always fallen in and out of this magnificent state of stupefaction called love, but it’s never been easy for me to fall in love. But there was something magical about you that I fell head over heels in love with you, unexpectedly and unknowingly. The idea of you was fun and enormously thrilling, there was profuse passion and the connection was brilliant, because it was swift and came with an admirable ease.
Loving you occurred to me naturally and I really didn’t have to put much of an effort. I realized this after you made that terrifying confession about your past. I clearly had all my reasons to walk away from you then. In fact, after all that happened I never really wanted to meet you. But I couldn’t stand the fact that you were in pain and that is when this agonizing realization hit me that the love I have for you is genuine. I picked your pain over mine. We decided to meet casually, and I trusted our decision which I regret now.
I believe in channeling my emotions into action and I did the same with you. But you got me completely wrong. Otherwise, how could you candidly talk about this to everyone? When I said I was excited that you kissed me on my forehead, I meant that I felt extremely safe and secure with you at that moment as it was different from other kisses that are sexual in nature. I thought it implied the love and respect you have for me manifesting in this most non-threatening form of affection. It was the kiss with the intimation of faith and love. I don’t know what you found so frivolous in that? I thought you were sensible enough to understand that, but you proved me wrong.
You always wanted a commitment from me, but I wonder what your definition of commitment is. You said let’s go with the flow and see where this leads, but I am sorry, I am not a dead fish to go with the flow. For me, the definition of commitment is much deeper. You were smart and devious as you never gave me the assurance of stability and you never promised a future. Probably you never wanted a future with me, but my spirit was completely crushed, and I was devastated when I realized I wanted more from this, though I know it is such a terrible spot to be in.
I tend to bring up anything I am thinking about, I say things with candour, I am an expressive person by nature. I was drunk when I first made out with you, but I was clearly aware that I was kissing you and I think at that moment both of us wanted it. After that we made out a couple of times. Each time I was getting more and more attached to you; each time I made out with you the love grew like a cancer inside me which intensified these feelings even more. It consumed every aspect of me. A part of me forced myself to believe that it was the same for you as well, but you proved me wrong yet again. You made it look like it was special for you, but I didn’t know you would discuss about these moments in a gross way and spoil my reputation. You just made it look like a drunk girl’s lust for you which shattered my feeling into millions of pieces. I don’t know what joy you gained out of it, maybe it gave you a bit of filthy notability amongst your friends, but you forgot you were doing that at the cost of my feelings. I cried as I was profoundly hurt with the excruciating injustice of love and ill-assorted emotions. I was hurt because whatever I had was real and it still flashes in my mind from time to time. I was exasperated with myself; I wanted to wake from the awful spell I had fallen under.
It felt good when you said that you loved me, but it hurts as I knew what you were seeking out of this relationship. You always wanted me to get drunk so that things would be easy for you whereas I wanted to invest my love in this relationship. I wanted to give my soul, but you did not give me a chance as you made your selfish needs evident each and every time we met. I pretended to be oblivious to this because I took pleasure in each and every little second I spent with you. So, I chose to shut my eyes to all that drama you put up.
You know what? Sometimes I feel you are too innocent, and that could be the reason why your hidden motives became so apparent in spite of all the acting you did. And that this whole idea of playing around with me and my feelings needn’t necessarily be yours, it could be something you imbibed from your friends as that’s what they do all the time, or in the worst case scenario this could be their idea.
Meeting you helped me discover a new part of me that I didn’t know existed. In spite of all that you did, I still love you. I have all the reasons to stay away from you, but it seems next to impossible to do that. Maybe our love is young and not that tranquil and honestly speaking it didn’t take much time to bloom, but it assures only a certain sense of intoxicating passion and you anyway don’t seem to deliver anything beyond it. But what do I do with these feelings I have for you? I know there is nothing I can do rather than just let go of it. It’s too painful to even think about doing that. At the same time, it’s scary to commit to you, as it would lead me back to that terrible spot, where you are unable to love me the way I want to be loved. My feelings and insecurities stems from this place since I know I deserve more. But I am inquisitive and I know I will try to explore what more is out there.
Sometimes I wish you would just set aside all your hidden motives and open your heart and see what I have for you. I wish I could keep you in my life forever. It will do no good to me and will just leave me in another mess. But I have one question for you: don’t you think it’s selfish of you to take more of my time, love or more of everything? Do you see that or are you just pretending not to see it? Is it possible for you to feel the same kind of love inside that I feel for you? What you have for me within you right now is just engulfed in flames; it’s blazing and erratic and will eventually burn down.
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Note: The author’s name has been changed to protect identity.
Featured image artwork by Sophie Hunt