‘I’m Afraid To Love. I’m Afraid To Live’: A 17-Year-Old Bisexual Girl Speaks Out

Posted on July 18, 2016 in LGBTQ

By Cora Q:

I am a seventeen-year-old girl living in India.

I wake up every day, brush my teeth, take a shower, and comb my hair. I laugh. I cry. I live.

I am bisexual.

I go to school. I volunteer in class. I mess around with my friends.  Sometimes I get 95/100. Other times I get 77/100. I sometimes forget to do my homework.

I am bisexual.

I have an older sister. We fight, we cry, we laugh with each other. I have a mother and a father. Sometimes I argue with them, other times I hug them.

I am bisexual.

On June 12, 2016, news comes through about a mass shooting in Orlando, USA, in a gay nightclub.

I break down in tears. I cry, I scream.

My friends do not know what has happened, nor do they care. They cannot understand why I am so upset.

My family does not understand why I am upset. They do not establish a connection between my anguish and the news.

I am bisexual, and I am afraid.

I am afraid for my life. I am afraid to be myself. I am afraid for myself, and for the countless others like me who have to live in this world that won’t allow us to be happy. I am afraid to tell my parents that I am interested in girls romantically. I am afraid that if one day I end up with a girlfriend, I will be too scared to hold her hand in public. I am afraid to love. I am afraid to live.

I had a dream when I was ten years old. In that dream, I was married to my best friend who was also a girl. I woke up terrified, in the middle of the night. It took me more than an hour to convince myself that dreams didn’t mean anything, that I could not possibly be attracted to girls in that way.

I am bisexual, and I am afraid.

The United States is considered a ‘progressive’ country. Same-sex couples have the right to love and marry over there, they say.

The patrons of Pulse, Orland paid dearly for having access to those rights.

If my people continue to die for being who they are, in a progressive country with rights, how do the rest of us sustain hope?

Sometimes I lay awake at night and wonder how my parents would react if I ever ‘came out’.

I think my mother would try her best to dismiss it as a phase.

I think my father would be frighteningly angry. I think he would blame all the western media I consume and the books I read. I think he would try to take away my phone and my laptop to limit my ‘exposure’ to any homosexuality.

I think my family would not support me being queer.

I am a seventeen-year-old girl living in India. I am bisexual. I am afraid.

 

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