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‘I’m Afraid To Love. I’m Afraid To Live’: A 17-Year-Old Bisexual Girl Speaks Out

By Cora Q:

I am a seventeen-year-old girl living in India.

I wake up every day, brush my teeth, take a shower, and comb my hair. I laugh. I cry. I live.

I am bisexual.

I go to school. I volunteer in class. I mess around with my friends.  Sometimes I get 95/100. Other times I get 77/100. I sometimes forget to do my homework.

I am bisexual.

I have an older sister. We fight, we cry, we laugh with each other. I have a mother and a father. Sometimes I argue with them, other times I hug them.

I am bisexual.

On June 12, 2016, news comes through about a mass shooting in Orlando, USA, in a gay nightclub.

I break down in tears. I cry, I scream.

My friends do not know what has happened, nor do they care. They cannot understand why I am so upset.

My family does not understand why I am upset. They do not establish a connection between my anguish and the news.

I am bisexual, and I am afraid.

I am afraid for my life. I am afraid to be myself. I am afraid for myself, and for the countless others like me who have to live in this world that won’t allow us to be happy. I am afraid to tell my parents that I am interested in girls romantically. I am afraid that if one day I end up with a girlfriend, I will be too scared to hold her hand in public. I am afraid to love. I am afraid to live.

I had a dream when I was ten years old. In that dream, I was married to my best friend who was also a girl. I woke up terrified, in the middle of the night. It took me more than an hour to convince myself that dreams didn’t mean anything, that I could not possibly be attracted to girls in that way.

I am bisexual, and I am afraid.

The United States is considered a ‘progressive’ country. Same-sex couples have the right to love and marry over there, they say.

The patrons of Pulse, Orland paid dearly for having access to those rights.

If my people continue to die for being who they are, in a progressive country with rights, how do the rest of us sustain hope?

Sometimes I lay awake at night and wonder how my parents would react if I ever ‘came out’.

I think my mother would try her best to dismiss it as a phase.

I think my father would be frighteningly angry. I think he would blame all the western media I consume and the books I read. I think he would try to take away my phone and my laptop to limit my ‘exposure’ to any homosexuality.

I think my family would not support me being queer.

I am a seventeen-year-old girl living in India. I am bisexual. I am afraid.


You must be to comment.
  1. Swathi Sriram

    We’re here for you, Cora Q

  2. Sneha Kukreti

    you are little me ! dont be afraid to be who you are trust me! find the community you’ll feel much positive !once you have come out to one or two non judging people you’ll be able to breath in life! you are just 17 dont be afraid explore yourself and trust me there is light at the end of the tunnel!

  3. J_Priya

    Just enjoy the life as it comes. Make Friends. Find out and follow your passion

  4. tina Dhar

    You are not alone girl! Even im bisexual ,18 and I also scared the same way you are.I can feel your pain and feel free to choose your sexual orientation…Dont be scared…There are many people there just like you.

  5. Aarohi Moses

    We are with u . You r not alone . One day will definitely come when lgbt++ wouldnt be a curse in india. C’mon indians you all need to change your thinking. We haven’t committed any crime by being born as lgbt++. When u feel alone please handle yourself as u r not alone.

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A former Assistant Secretary with the Ministry of Women and Child Development in West Bengal for three months, Lakshmi Bhavya has been championing the cause of menstrual hygiene in her district. By associating herself with the Lalana Campaign, a holistic menstrual hygiene awareness campaign which is conducted by the Anahat NGO, Lakshmi has been slowly breaking taboos when it comes to periods and menstrual hygiene.

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