A Confession: How Crossdressing Helps Me Let Go Of Pain, Stress And Anger

Posted on August 18, 2016 in LGBTQ, My Story

By Kumar Shreyansh:

From an early age, I used to stand in front of the mirror, usually when no one was home, and admire my female self. It was a pleasant feeling to see myself and it gave me immense happiness.

You must be thinking that I am a girl, right? But you are quite mistaken, because I am a boy – a young man of 20.

I consider myself experiencing a normal psychological phenomenon of ‘Transvestic fetishism’ which is more commonly referred to as ‘crossdressing’. On hearing this word you might recall a comedy show, where comedians dressed as females ‘entertain’ people. No, this is entirely different. People crossdress for a variety of reasons, but it is mostly seen in males like myself. I spent ten years in the closet, trying out whatever that was available in my house. Now, I have come out to face it.

Crossdressing or anything pertaining to the topic is a taboo in Indian society, regardless of how ‘normal’ science declares it. It is a way of expressing yourself. I, being a male, enjoy wearing female dresses, specially undergarments. And let me explain the reason behind it.

I crossdress mostly to get in touch with the female part of my consciousness. I wear female dresses to let go of pain, stress, anger or everything that bothers me too much–things that I can’t handle on my own. I get disturbed sometimes, both mentally and emotionally. I need someone on my side, but no one seems to come up to me. Sometimes, there is so much darkness that I lose hope. At one point in time, I had decided to commit suicide. I put a noose around my neck and was about to hang myself because of the stress that had slowly consumed my body. But I found something that gave me hope. To escape such times, I started crossdressing. Because when male and female energies meet, there is creation; there is light; there is hope.

Another important aspect of crossdressing is sexual orientation. Not all who crossdress are homosexual. In fact, many of these people are heterosexual. As in my case, a popular reason behind this act is to escape the tension of daily life.

In a conservative society like India, where everybody is forced to fit into stereotypical gender roles of male and female, such acts are seen as a crime and a sin. Such people are ostracised, mostly seen as Hijras. Very few exist who understand such people.

I have been dressing in female undergarments since class 4. I don’t remember exactly what ‘made’ me to do it. But I knew that I had to do. I borrowed clothes from my mother’s closet when there was no one at home, I wore them because they felt very smooth and comforting against my skin.

I was not able to continue when I went to boarding school in class 11th and 12th. After not being able to clear JEE exams, I took a year off to study in Bhilai. Here, I bought some female inner-wear for myself and enjoyed wearing them whenever I was alone. This act gave me joy, peace and helped me concentrate on studies very well.

In April ’16, when I was appearing for competitive exams, I put them on again when no one was at home and performed well in the exams. Now I am in my first year of B. Tech in Aerospace Engineering at a prominent university in Chennai. My hobbies include drawing, painting, writing and reading stories, playing guitar and developing websites. I have friends who understand me and support me. I still wear female innerwear when I am alone at home and love to flaunt female aspects of my body in front of the mirror. I am heterosexual in orientation.

I want to wear more female dresses and live like a woman. I feel like I can understand them and what they go through. I want the same treatment and respect when I am dressed as a girl as when I live like my other self. But since our society considers crossdressing a crime, it appears that I am a criminal in this sense. And therefore I should be thrown to gallows.

But before judging me, please take a moment to think what it feels like to live the way I am living my life.

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