On a subconscious level, I was always aware of the privileges I had while growing up. I knew that as a woman in India, I had more rights than most women ever would. My parents raised me to be independent, free-willed and opinionated. I was free to do as I wished and when I wished. The world was and always will remain my oyster.
With these privileges came a strongly inflated sense of being unbreakable. I had never feared being pregnant because I believed that I would never develop an emotional attachment to my unborn child or foetus.
It was the gagging that started it all. I was on a beautiful holiday with my boyfriend when he rushed me to the hospital. I thought I was going to die of some unknown disease. I kept gagging but could not bring myself to throw up, no matter how hard I tried. My stomach was in knots, a pain so unbearable that I couldn’t breathe. My breasts were swollen beyond belief as though they were infected with puss. I resented every loving touch my boyfriend wished to share with me.
I still never believed I was pregnant because the morning cramps mixed with signs of breast tenderness, mood swings and unexplainable crying were all signs pointing towards an impending period. It wasn’t until I was seven days after the symptoms started that I decided it was time to take the test.
I took one and as the dreaded two lines started forming like flames across my dreams, I erupted with pangs of hot flashes. There they were, those two lines stating my irresponsibility. I took two more just to be sure, and little did I know the nightmare was just beginning.
They never really fully prepare you for an abortion. That carefree, liberated and empowered section of the society that screams at me to be wild and free and alive. It conditions one into thinking one could easily just have an abortion and that it’s no big deal. Well for me – that turned out to be a lie.
My experience of having an abortion was extremely traumatic, to say the least. I scheduled myself for a checkup with the gynaecologist, and she sent me for multiple blood tests and ultrasounds. She wanted to make sure my health was in order before proceeding with the actual abortion.
She explained the options I had, and I opted for the least daunting of the two – the 5 step pills. After all, how traumatic can five pills be right?
Before I could actually get hold of these pills, I underwent an ultrasound. I can’t help but remember that for a person that was never planning on having a baby, seeing my foetus on the big screen was beyond intimidating.
My baby may not have formed yet, but it was still visible, a little black dot attached to my uterus. I still tried not to sweat it because how could I not? I had preached the right to an abortion and pledged never to be emotional about such accidents. I came back to the doctor the next day so she could examine my reports and hand me the pills that would magically get rid of all my problems.
Another thing no one told me about this whole process was that as its name might suggest, morning sickness actually doesn’t just hit you in the morning. It hit me like a big fat school bus all day, every day.
There were days when my head would feel heavy, and light-headed, all at the same time, I couldn’t roll over in bed in fear of having my breasts come in contact with anything. Every time I sat up straight, I thought I was going to throw up and all in all, this was proving to be the worst hangover I had ever had.
My nose was highly sensitive, as sharp as a dog’s and the smells that I had previously hated, were now amplified, waging a war on my senses. I craved strawberries the whole day and wouldn’t give it up till I was chomping down on a whole bowl full of them. I put salt on everything including bread and at one point I felt like dipping my fingers into the salt and relishing every lick. For my own sanity, I didn’t give into the last one. To get rid of my agony I decided to watch an episode of “Keeping Up With The Kardashians”, and I thought it would make me laugh but boy was I wrong! I felt shattered because I had the misfortune of seeing an episode where Kim was pregnant. She was so happy and ate everything in sight, at that moment I wanted to keep my baby.
The next day I woke up feeling like a zombie. The morning sickness was bringing out the worst in me. I forced myself out of bed and straight to the doctor’s office. She was going to give me the pills, and I wasn’t going to feel like this anymore. Obtaining these pills was such a painful task, though. I was forced to fill out a 6-page form structured by the government that was so outdated it made me sad.
For a government preaching women’s rights and population control, the hypocrisy stared right back at me. Offensive and cruel questions with derogatory terms such as “If the patient is a lunatic, relatives must fill out this section” and “Are you a Muslim, Hindu, Christian…etc,” were proof of the Government’s lack of understanding the situation.
What does religion have to do with abortion? Daunting, to say the least, I was horrified. Not long after I signed a million very offending papers, I was handed my pills. The procedure seemed fairly simple and all I had to do was pop the first pill at 9 am the next day, then wait 48 hours and consume the remaining four pills all at once. How hard could it be right?
After enduring one more day of morning sickness and odd cravings, it was finally time to pop the first magic pill. I didn’t feel any major discomfort after the first pill, just the usual vomiting, weakness, inability to get out of bed but like I said, nothing major. I started this on a Friday so it was evident that I had no weekend plans, which mixed with the hormones made me feel like quite the outcast.
It was on Sunday that I had to consume the forbidden 4, and I sprung out of bed at 9 am to finish the deed. After consuming the four remaining pills, I went right back to bed till I was rudely awoken at 10:30 am with a sensation that felt as though something was tearing into my internal organs. I awoke to such excruciating pain that I negotiated with God. I told him I would owe my soul to him, turn vegetarian, quit smoking and adopt a child later on in life if he would just get me through this.
I sat on the pot for over 2 hours. At last, a golf ball sized chunk of tissues made its way out of me. I felt this mass exiting my body because no one should ever have to pee something that big out. I have had kidney stones before and this was by far the most painful experience I had had. Kidney stones were a joke.
My feet felt numb; I had searing pain that left me momentarily blinded and a stomach ache that tortured me for over 5 hours. When the doctor had convincingly told me that pain would feel like my normal period cramps, she failed to mention that the pain was as If I was on my WORST period ever x 100. I spent 5 hours curled up next to my electric heating pad, which betrayed me and burnt the skin on my stomach but I didn’t mind because it distracted me from wanting to gouge my eyes out. Though I still felt weak and drained from the day’s agony, the pain dramatically reduced by about 9 pm.
As I write this on the morning after, I feel as though I am gaining some semblance to my old self. I only almost threw up once, and the pain is back to what my normal pain threshold can handle. The day after is when you start experiencing normal period cramps but after what I have been through, it’s a cakewalk. So if you’re going to get an abortion, make sure you know what you’re in for.
I was sadly mistaken about the whole experience, and I believe more women need to be better informed about how abortion actually works and its implications. Even though the pills were noninvasive, I am now told that the surgical option is painless. I am due in for another ultrasound two weeks from the abortion date to make sure I’m still not pregnant but considering I feel like I’m going back to my old self, I don’t think that’s going to be a problem.
Most of all, ask your doctors the tough questions because it’s your body and your right to have all the necessary information in hand.