By YKA Staff:
Editor’s note: This piece is the first in a campaign on raising awareness around mental health by Youth Ki Awaaz, in collaboration with NalandaWay Foundation. The Foundation, founded by Sriram Ayer, works with children to address issues that concern them through art, film and music. Through Ayer’s book, “The Story Of A Suicide”, we’ll be talking about dealing with depression, loneliness, rejection, stress and various other issues that affect many of us today. Suicide is the leading cause of death among young people in India (aged 10-24), as per a Lancet report. And 50 million people in the country suffer from stress and depression, both major reasons for suicide. But we just don’t talk about mental illness in India, as our society stigmatises it to the extent of keeping silent about it. With #StoryOfASuicide, join us in breaking the silence around mental health issues and share your thoughts on it. Here’s the book trailer and an excerpt that’ll tell you more. To read the entire book, go here.
I am going to die.
I am leaving. I am tired of fighting. I am tired of struggling to survive. I have finally made a choice today. Yes, I give up.
Have you ever felt lonely in a crowd, claustrophobic when alone? Now I hate everything around me. I do not understand human beings any more. They are too complex for my silly brain. I do not know what sounds I need to make for them to like me, love me, trust me.
Sounds did I say? Words have become very confusing, so I’m staying primal.
Did I dream of a long life? A life filled with colours, snow and sun? Of abundance and generosity? Yes I did. A life where everyone loved me and everyone lauded me for how great I was. I gave speeches at large venues. Sometimes I made speeches with no audience too. Just for myself. I loved my voice. I loved how I was hopeful. About everything.
I told myself that if I just kept breathing, I would survive. I would get up the next day to see the glorious sun. Yes, I told myself.
I dreamt of distant worlds where angels lived alongside monsters. Only angels would have been boring. They would walk along holding hands and perhaps quarrel a few times. And I would be their Leader. From lions to kittens, every one of them would bow before me while I walked with my head held high. And everyone listened to my kind of music. I made sure everyone laughed. But, these wretched demons of the present breathed fire and destroyed my angels and marshmallow monsters. My happy worlds were destroyed. My dreams died. I don’t know how to dream anymore.
I am sad. I am tired. Helpless. Disillusioned. Paranoid. Unhappy. Sorry, it would not do justice if I just gave only one adjective to describe my hurt.
How could you do this to me? I trusted you. I loved you. When I was with you I felt confident. My feelings surprised me. I have never been loved the way you loved me. I told you I was scared of being alone. I felt fearless with you around.
But you broke my trust. You broke my heart. You put yourself before me.
Perhaps I am destined to be unhappy and unloved. I really thought I could undo all that had gone wrong early in my life. I am a failure. Maybe that’s why you left me.
Loser. Yes, I am.
The time has come to end this constant humiliation. I see only pain in my future. I need peace now. And I don’t know any other way.