“The Only Thing Which Gets Me Through The Day Is Hope”

Posted on September 1, 2016 in Mental Health

By Dee Rodriques:

Hi. I’m a class 12 student. I like Biology. I enjoy chilling with friends. I’m a huge foodie . I like writing and my dog is my life. I plan to dye my hair blue.

I also have BPD. It stands for Borderline Personality Disorder.

It basically means that I find it really difficult to regulate my emotions and I lash out quite often. I am insecure and I also cause self-harm and feel suicidal almost every day. I’m depressed. It makes me want to eat too much and I never have the energy to do things. That has caused me to gain quite a bit of weight. I also find it really hard to get through the day and I’m always exhausted both physically and mentally. I can’t smile easily and everything is just so grey and blahh.

I was abused by a family member since I was just 3. And then I was bullied in school. I’m particularly shy and quiet as a result. People often ask me why I seem so low. I have no answer to give them. So I just fake a smile though that’s pretty hard to do.

Going online and connecting with people in similar situations has helped me tremendously.  I also try to be with people more often. I enjoy volunteering at an orphanage though it really tires me. I’m only a teen. I get a pang of jealousy when I see people my age be so carefree. It’s like I’m 40 stuck in the body of a 17-year-old. It’s so much harder to concentrate when you’re contemplating killing yourself. I try not letting depression affect my studies but sometimes it’s just too much and all I can do is sleep the pain away.

The only thing which gets me through the day is Hope. I hope I have a happy future. I hope I have a family of my own. I hope I get an iPhone. I hope I’ll eat my favourite ice cream again. I look forward to the winter cold and then the pleasant spring and then the season of mangoes! I hope I can go to the beach. I hope I don’t cut myself ever again.

My counsellor suggested writing in a diary and it really helps me.  It’s like it’s my world in my diary.  It’s a world where I can write things entirely from my perspective.  It’s so private and it really is so therapeutic. It’s like I’m in charge of how my story is told. It’s a wonderful feeling.

I hope you enjoyed reading this. If YOU are feeling depressed, remember you’re not alone and more importantly, it’s not your fault! There are people who care about you and you are really precious. Hang in there and just keep swimming. 🙂

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