“I Would Have Ended Up Harming Myself”: How I Saved Myself From Suicidal Thoughts

Posted on September 2, 2016 in Mental Health, Society

Submitted anonymously:

I am in Class 12, studying in one of Telangana’s Junior Colleges and here’s my story.

I am one of those students who is counted among the top 3 in class, one of those who is closer to friends than family, and if you ask my friends, they will say that I am one of the most vibrant and cheerful persons they have ever seen. Things seem perfect, isn’t it? Yet, on the fateful night of August 26, I thought of committing suicide, in my house, in the drawing room, with my parents in their respective rooms.

I don’t know about others, but I couldn’t get the courage to talk about the suicidal thoughts that I was garnering to anyone, so, I am writing here, seeking to relieve myself from pain and share how I managed to cope up.

The institution I am studying in conducts 5 exams a week and being a studious kid, I have never taken exams lightly. I would prepare for them for days and nights. But for a month now, I can’t handle the pressure. I have been unable to study. I used to feel suffocated. Without doing any physical work, I could feel my heart beating faster. It was scary. Initially, I thought it was normal. But soon I couldn’t concentrate while studying. Right before exams, when I took leave to study at home, my condition got worse. I couldn’t tell my parents. They also didn’t sense anything wrong. Why would they? They are used to seeing me studying all day long.

I started having suicidal thoughts. Initially, I couldn’t tell my friends either, how could I? I had been one of the funniest girls in our circle. I failed to express how I felt. I bolted up my emotions. When I was at school, with friends, I felt normal. But at home, all negative thoughts came rushing back. I was scared of myself for having these thoughts. “Mere life mein kya nahi hai?” (What is there that I don’t have in my life), I would often think to myself.

I took leave on the 26th because I had to prepare for 4 exams that were due the very next day. I couldn’t study that day too. I was afraid of what’s happening. “Why can I not study properly?” I analysed and decided that I needed a break. I spoke to one my friends on WhatsApp. Though I couldn’t share that I was having suicidal thoughts, I spoke and tried to be normal.

But I ended up breaking down and crying. My parents being unaware, I cried in my study room the whole day. I took out my paper cutter from the cupboard. I didn’t know why I did that. But I felt the need to keep it with me. I kept it in my pouch.

I hadn’t managed to study any subject properly even by the night. I started crying. I was feeling suffocated. I wanted to burn my books. I wanted to shake my parents and ask them that how are they unable to see what I am going through? I had been so tired and since so long. I needed a helping hand – their hand. I needed them to tell me that it’s okay even if I don’t write these exams, even if I fail. “There are some days when you don’t want to touch your books, and that’s okay. It is normal. We are there.” But they didn’t say any such thing. I was crying and I was looking at the sharpness of the paper cutter. I was looking at the chair and the fan. I was not thinking of anything else but ending my life. But even though I wanted to commit suicide, I didn’t want to die. Deep down I knew, it wasn’t right, and yet, I felt that with few cuts, the pain will be over. I wanted to go to my mum and cry in front of her.

But I managed to change my thoughts and messaged one of my close friends. I typed a big message. I was distracted and I took that chance and went to sleep before any other thought could cross my mind. 

I can share what happened the next day too, how I finally got help. But that is secondary.

I am writing my story to share a very important message with other teenagers like me. Some days are bad, few days are worse. And now that we are in our final year, our level of stress is at the peak. Many things may be at stake, depending on our results, yet, you need to breathe. You need to stop thinking about everyone. I couldn’t tell my parents that I didn’t want to attend school for a few days just because I didn’t want to disappoint them.  I didn’t want to disappoint my teachers and myself as well. As a result, I ended up taking too much pressure and stress. I forgot that I am just 16 and I have a mountain-like life in front of me, which I need to live. I need to be selfish at certain points and do things for myself. I have to ignore a few things and just believe in myself.

I wanted to share this, so that the others, who might be going through the same, know that they are not alone, and even though it is really difficult, we can try and rise above this. Suicidal thoughts are momentary. Had I not messaged and slept that night, I would have ended up harming myself. Life need not be perfect all the time, but you need to make sure that you get time to relax too. Taking 2 days off a month won’t harm. I can still hope to achieve big in my life.

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Image source: Abid Katib/ Getty Images

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