By Muskan Jain:
Laughs, smiles and being content. Such feelings and expressions depict the ultimate state of calm in everyday life. But just like everything, they are transient and pass very suddenly as opposed to more sorrowful feelings. Now consider this. One day you suddenly start noticing that the feelings of sadness, dissatisfaction and frustration are swirling in an infinite loop in that brain of yours. You try to shrug it off by putting on your favourite piece of music. But then you want to shut it down because you feel restless and try to falsely reason it out by saying, “I have heard it so many times that it’s now become boring.” Now, some of you may resort to engage in another hobby of yours. In my case it was writing. Even after jotting down the feelings, I couldn’t be calm and felt agitated again. I thought sleep might come to my rescue and then this anxiety would stop. But to my dismay, the sleep did not have a positive impact.
You lie there completely awake, a reel of thoughts related to everything that makes you feel bad constantly plays and you have to turn and twist in your bed, really hoping that you fall asleep and all of this stops. After a tough night, you wake up, not knowing when you fell asleep but the memories of all those unpleasant and burning thoughts are fresh in your mind again. You find it hard to get out of your bed and start the day. Despite knowing that those thoughts make you feel miserable, you lay there transfixed and do not have the motivation to climb out of the mattress. All this starts and refuses to end. It becomes an everyday process and you lose control, fall for the monster each day and fight it. It results in you being frustrated by failure.
Maybe a fire does get ignited when you see something, think about something. It makes you set a goal, develop a desire to achieve it. Yet, when it comes to actually acting upon to reach it, you find yourself distracted by the feelings of how you will make it happen and the fear of failure. All the things you genuinely enjoyed doing, you no longer find amusing. You feel that you lack every quality that you admire, are letting down people who love you and doing injustice to the work and time they spend on you. Instead of concentrating on your own happiness.
The demons inside begin to torture you so hard that you want to scream, cry, drill your brain, run away or sometimes even wish you were dead. There is no physical pain to make others feel your anxiety, fear and depression. It’s just your mind playing cruel games, obstructing your constructive thinking, demeaning the miracle that is life. Now the world looks like a confined room and the shackles of hopelessness and helplessness are fastened tight around you.
As dramatic and exaggerated as it might sound, this in fact is very real. Hating life, yourself and your situation is however, not the solution. On the other hand, seeking professional help is a much needed answer to the problem. Ending your life or hurting yourself is never the way out because we are here to live and death is to be left to a force we are ignorant of. Fighting the urge to end yourself is not a positive sign. Some humans can feel depressed. It is alright and actually wise to ask others to understand and help us out. And hey, it is not your fault! You didn’t choose to be in that undesirable state of mind. It’s just that you happen to be in it, because trust me, your life is never entirely in your control. Get yourself out of the guilt that you are responsible for this sorry state of yours. You are not alone, and there is always someone willing to help, if you are wishful of being at peace again.
Even though this is my own personal experience of being depressed, signs and situations vary widely. Some, unlike me, sleep a lot to run away from their own evil mind. My experience was different from others. Reactions to depression vary from person to person. Some chemicals too play a game and bring down the emotional state, such as vitamin B12. Get it checked with a counsellor and a psychiatrist. Always believe that you can get into a position where you are confident enough to live, laugh and love. Especially your own self. The right medication and therapy puts life back on track. Eat well, sleep well and take care.