By Karthik Shankar:
One week ago, Narendra Modi surgically captured every Indian’s heart with his move on black money. And this was before he melted our hearts this week with more tears than a Karan Johar melodrama. It’s time for everyone to recognise that Modi is upgrading India’s dreams so that every citizen will have a plastic card and absolutely no cash.
Here are 10 tips that will help any urban city dweller, who is suddenly scared about their non-Amazon purchases over the next few months, come to grips with this audacious, anti-corruption move.
1. Defer Unnecessary Expenses
Hold off on paying your house help, driver or anyone whose livelihood depends on you. Offer them good wishes, some leftovers that you packed from a restaurant, and tell them that purification always burns. Don’t spend too much headspace on their plight. Like Modi said, the poor are enjoying a sound sleep. Dead people always do.
2. Upgrade Your Lifestyle
Remember, that incredible cook at the local dhaba you frequent, understands that everyone is making a huge sacrifice, most of all you. Go to restaurants that accept only debit and credit cards and turn away those who don’t fit their sartorial standards. Stop visiting mom and pop stores and visit Reliance Fresh. Spare a thought for the sacrifice of all those who can’t buy rice before you wolf down your home-delivered Pepperoni pizza.
3. Invoke Our Soldiers On The Border To Shut Down Anyone Who Disagrees
The Indian army is the greatest blessing for anyone who lives in the internet era, just waiting to win an online argument. Like Fawad Khan, almost any complaint can be compared to the hardships our soldiers face at the border. So if someone says their legs hurt waiting in line at the ATM, just tell them that soldiers have their legs blown off. Even Baba Ramdev has reminded us that soldiers at the border don’t get food rations, so it’s time for India to starve in solidarity. Remind these anti-national commies to shut up and sit down because of the sacrifices our soldiers are making in defending this democracy.
4. Admire The Technology And Culture Embedded In The New Notes
If you happen to get your hands on the new notes, then tear them into little bits to check for GPS trackers. Try to imagine what a note with a USB drive looks like when the government launches the 2.0 limited editions for millionaires. Also, don’t forget to check out the numerals in Devanagari, the only script worth remembering from India’s past. In case you are one of the 75% who speaks a foreign language, enroll in Hindi classes, so that you are prepared to join our nation in the next phase of our cultural resurgence.
5. Support Law Enforcement Authorities For Targeting Our Country’s Crooks
Modi’s surgical strike has mainly been to strike at our country’s hidden enemies – those who hide all their savings under their mattress (we’ve already dealt with criminals like Vijay Mallya by exiling them). Now our authorities are finally empowered to question two-faced women who hide money from their husbands in an attempt to be financially independent, farmers who need to pay their loan sharks and daily-wage labourers who don’t realise the thrill of clocking up air miles on their credit cards.
6. Stop Donating To NGOs
As we are all aware, most of the black money in our economy is channelled through NGOs that try to leverage their influence over our politics by making us aware that there is such a thing called human rights or environmental protection. It’s time to show these preposterous, money-guzzling enterprises that you are resolutely against their attempts to help out the disenfranchised. Bonus points to anyone who draws a moustache on a picture of Teesta Setalvad.
7. …But Support The Religious Ones
Remember that those who are spiritual are the richest souls, literally speaking. Your local quasi-religious authority figure who travels in his Mercedes is also hurting because his tax-free, almost exclusively cash-based income, will take some time to get converted into the new denominations. So offer your old 500 and 1000 rupee notes to organisations that proselytise religion and politics. Let’s get real, when every government institution shuts down, only the RSS will stand by your side, firm hand on your back and a firm grip on your genitals.
8. Listen To Aishwarya Rai’s Words Of Comfort
If there’s anything Bollywood superstar and former Miss Universe has shown us, it’s that she understands the common man. “As a citizen, honestly I will say congratulations Mr Prime Minister. You have gone ahead with a very strong move for your larger plan to wipe out corruption in our country and that’s the larger overview we as a country need to recognize,” she said. One has no doubt about the veracity of her statement. After all, she’s the daughter-in-law of a man who heads the Gujarat Tourism campaign and had her own demonetisation controversy with the Panama Papers. Given that it will take years to change Rai’s money, stored in foreign tax havens, into the new denominations, her bravery is to be applauded.
9. Bail Out The Ailing Film Industry
Remember, your favourite Bollywood stars didn’t get paid several crores and shoot at exotic foreign locales just to have no one turn up for their films. Use BookMyShow and liberally buy tickets for any Bollywood extravaganza, particularly those that showcase the lives of real Indians, like “Ae Dil Hai Mushkil”. Throw a lifeline to Ajay Devgn, who has bravely admitted that, his immaculate masterpiece “Shivaay” has been struggling at the box office for the past three weeks due to demonetisation.
10. It Only Gets Better
Puff out your chest with pride and stick your fingers in your ears to ignore the nay-sayers, India is transforming from a medieval cash-driven economy to a 21st century Shangri-la. Not since Indira Gandhi have we had a prime minister so inspired by the Soviet way of doing things. So walk on the artfully paved stones of your gated colony, take an Uber Prime ride across the city, and visit Le Cirque in The Leela Palace and over a conversation with a friend, bask in the warm glow of ‘India Shining’.