‘My Culprit Roams Free While I Live In A Jail Of Terror And Guilt’

Posted by Submitted anonymously in Child Sexual Abuse
December 7, 2016


“The truth I hold, took years to unfold.. Now I speak, for I am done being weak.”

I was the darling daughter of my father – my superhero. I was someone who used to always keep on smiling. All day, every day, my voice used to resonate in our house. My favourite place was in my superhero’s arms, where I used to feel so secure and comfortable. I used to roam all day in the streets with my friends. My life was perfect until that day arrived.

I would have never imagined even in my scariest dreams that this day would finally arrive. A day for which no one never wishes.

This day changed my life. A monster entered my perfect life. He was an unknown person to me. I only knew him as a shopkeeper and I used to usually go there. I was only four or five-years-old so I was scared. He used ask me to touch his private parts and he did the same to me.

He ripped my soul, tore my heart and scratched it like a toy. When it happened, I stood over there clueless like a statue with red puffy eyes. However, that was not the end. Because I was young and scared, that horrendous ‘game’ continued in my life for a month. That beast used to torture me daily. If I refused, he would force me to eat cockroaches and would refuse to give me groceries. Despite spending hours under the water, I was not able to remove the horrifying marks from my soul. I faced hell without doing any wrong deed.

When I couldn’t take it anymore, I informed my mother. When we visited his shop, we realised that they were identical twin brothers and they looked the same, so I was not able to recognise the culprit and so the matter was closed.

That month changed my life forever. My superhero’s arms now suffocate me. I am afraid of every man out there. My soul died that day itself. I have become an emotionless body now. Many years later, I still wonder about my culprit who is freely roaming outside while I live in a jail of terror and guilt.

I still feel that a part of me has been torn apart. My heart still bleeds. Only my pillow and the night know how much I still cry. The girl who once loved herself so much, now afraid to see herself in the mirror.

Now I just hope that no one should ever have to face, what I had to.

After many years, when I see millions of girls who have undergone this abuse, I want my story to work as some form of motivation. It is my guilt which forced me to write this. Please don’t just read this, learn from this. There is no shame in accepting what you may have gone through, you are not at fault. The real culprit should be behind bars. There are still so many women like me who have created jails for themselves. This is a request to everyone to please take action. Your small initiative would mean a lot.

If you are a survivor, parent or guardian who wants to seek help for child sexual abuse, or know someone who might, you can dial 1098 for CHILDLINE (a 24-hour national helpline) or email them at dial1098@childlineindia.org.in. You can also call NGO Arpan on their helpline 091-98190-86444, for counselling support.