Sex is a very uncomfortable topic in our society, so is abuse. Be it violent, sexual or verbal, it’s one of those hush topics we all know about, but nobody wants to talk. And why should anyone? Every time someone has tried to console me, they always say that it’s all going to be alright, at least you’re alive, and the one thing that screws with my brains the most – there are people going through worse, suck it up.
This is my story, and no you will not know how I feel.
Around 15 years ago, Sasha, was an 8-year-old, living a normal life with her stern but loving family, living in a closed defence environment, didn’t know how her life was going to take a whole new turn when her parent’s wedding anniversary had arrived. That morning, she and her elder sister planned the whole event, went door to door inviting the entire building they lived in. arranged for decorations, made a card with whatever sparkle pens they had, spent a long day cleaning up the house and preparing for that evening.
The clock struck 7, guests begun to arrive. All the men had their drinks and were discussing office politics in the living room, while all the wives had flocked up in the kitchen, helping out mother. And the kids were in the bedrooms playing around or watching tv. Sasha was so excited about that night, she forgot to eat dinner as she was busy making sure all the other kids ate well. She and her best friend were in her room, discussing school and playing around.
It was almost 2 in the morning, most of the kids had already slept off, everyone in the living room decided to call it a night. Sasha too was quite exhausted. She went to the bathroom to wash her face, when her favourite uncle decided to play a game with her. Sasha wanted all her friends to play with her, but he only wanted her to play with him. He came inside the small bathroom, with both his burning cigarette and probably his 8th drink. He hugged Sasha tightly and congratulated her for a fantastic evening. He made her sit on the toilet seat and danced all over the room saying how much fun he had had but wanted to have some more fun. Sasha asked him what he had in his mind, he looked straight into her eyes and she had realised she made a mistake asking him. She was so exhausted that she wasn’t really aware of what was happening, but somewhere deep down, she knew it wasn’t right.
He kept his glass on the sink and started undoing his pants. She thought he wanted to use the bathroom, so she leant forward to get off, since she was a bit too short. And that was it. For the first time in her life, she had another man inside her. She never really understood what had happened later, even when he fondled her nipples and kissed her crotch, she just froze, she didn’t understand what was happening. He picked her up, spread her legs across his hips and went in. Sasha was crying with pain, she kept telling him that her stomach was really hurting and she just wants to sleep. It wasn’t until 40 minutes later when someone knocked the door. Sasha, still dazed and confused from what had just happened, kept crying. He left in a hurry, making sure no one saw him leave, but not before telling Sasha to keep this game a little secret between the two of them.
Sasha, still confused, noticed that she was bleeding, she knew for a fact that she couldn’t tell her family about the ‘secret’. She took a handful of toilet paper and started cleaning herself. Once she was done she quietly snuck into her room and cried herself to sleep.
Sasha couldn’t sleep for the next few weeks, she didn’t eat properly, couldn’t focus on her school. In fact, there were days during school that she’d just burst out crying in class. On being asked, she would just tell that she had had a nightmare and couldn’t stop thinking about it. Everyone around her including her parents told her that it’ll pass, but only she knew that this nightmare will haunt her for the rest of her life.
If you are a survivor, parent or guardian who wants to seek help for child sexual abuse, or know someone who might, you can dial 1098 for CHILDLINE (a 24-hour national helpline) or email them at [email protected] You can also call NGO Arpan on their helpline 091-98190-86444, for counselling support.