Hated Anxiety,
How are you doing? Not too well at controlling me, I believe? I hope you’re far gone and not lingering anywhere close to me. But, we still have a lot of talking to do. I am writing this letter because I don’t wish to meet you. Before we end this, my heart tells me that I should vent out all the nasty things that you did to me. Please bear with me.
“It takes very little to be truly content and happy.”
I came back from Europe with ambitions and realizations I’ve never had before. The ambition was to study in Europe. The realization was that despite being absolutely in love with elongated period of singlehood and solitude, it’s time I seek human touch or companionship in life.
In no time, I found myself impulsively trying to get hold of everything, all at once. This, I believe, was when you showed up; except that I didn’t quite see you yet. So I boarded the bus to travel eight hours to an unknown city with no plan and just this vague idea of writing a research proposal which I needed to study in Europe. It didn’t really work out because at the same time, you suggested that I plunge into finding companionship first.
I met someone and found myself falling head over heels the same day. I didn’t find anything wrong with it because he didn’t either. I felt rather annoyed when people said “You’re going too fast” or “you barely know each other.” We were not doing anything deliberately. We were effortlessly the way we were since the day we first met. We were like the simplest pieces of a puzzle that happened to bump into each other to fit together. We were like a hand in glove.
No one calls terror.
You probably know already that I never called you or welcomed you inside, but you were adamant about being a part of my life. You imposed yourself on me while I kept trying to get rid of you. You were so powerful that I couldn’t win over you and felt helpless.
The last four years, I learnt how important it was to love my own self before I could love anybody else. So I loved myself a little more each day. I understood the importance of relationships just as much as I understood the importance of being strong and independent. My friends counted on me when they were messed up for my piece of mind, love, trust, freedom, space and what not! I always thought I’d make a great companion whenever the time comes. I was in love with my thoughts, my ideas, my values, my dreams and my plans. I was in love with the fact that I wouldn’t give up on my values even if it meant leaving people and places. I was in love with the person I had shaped myself into.
But for four months, you kept on trying to kill me.
You were so callous that you didn’t kill me all at once. Rather, you captivated me to put me through torture and pain for a long period of time. I felt like a fish out of water. It felt like pins and needles being stuck inside my body, one by one and sometimes all at once. You attacked my self-esteem and once it was reduced to ashes, you put me through losing my self-respect, my integrity, my dignity. Whenever I tried to win myself over, I would lose. And eventually, I lost sleep, appetite, weight (well, thank you for that! I had been trying for years) and control over my senses, my emotions, my words and my actions. You drove me to drinking alcohol almost every night. And I smoked like a chimney. These two were the only antidotes I had. Sadly enough, even they backfired and physical sickness added to my misery.
No matter how hard I tried to cork up my struggles, I couldn’t. For as long as our fight went on, I screamed and cried for help but you played so wicked and smart that you wouldn’t let anyone enter the battlefield to help me. I went down in the dumps when you made it look like those I sought help from or those who tried to help me were rather on your side.
Anxiety, you plundered my courage and stuffed me with fear.
I questioned every little thing about the person I trusted from the very first day we met. I found myself consistently gauging every word he said or wrote to me. If he missed doing something as simple as holding my hand, calling me ‘baby’ or kissing me goodnight, I would put myself through the pain of believing that his feelings might have changed. The girl who had no expectations or worries got reduced to tears for she feared someone else might fill her place and he’ll no longer want her. I understand your intention might have been to warn me, but I didn’t need to be warned as much as you thought I did. The mind-movies you showed me of every possible thing that could go wrong only added to unwanted physical symptoms and exhaustion. You changed me from being fiercely independent to becoming ridiculously emotional and terrified. You simply ripped me apart.
I want to tell you today that I was not the only one bearing the brunt of what you bestowed upon me. You made me put an amazing man through the discomfort of being with the person I had become. It was nothing like the beginning of our time together for now I was constantly clingy and needy, despite hating it myself. He was the only support I needed, but he was the support I was too scared to ask for. To see me break into a thousand pieces was no easy job for him. To hold me tight and put the pieces together was scary for him for he feared how I would function without him. To see me wretched was just as painful for him as it was for me. Despite wanting to help me, he started drifting away. I complained, cried, begged in front of him whenever I felt that he wasn’t there for me. I blamed him and even abused him for all that I was going through. He didn’t anticipate this and therefore, didn’t know what to
What I had become was not what he chose or would ever think of choosing. I wish there was a way to make him understand that I didn’t choose it either. In fact, it was you who chose it. I hope that, at least, now you would take the blame for pulling us out of a precious bond and putting us into a toxic one.
I want to tell you that we both have given up on what we had for your constant control over me had made things ugly. I want to tell you that it doesn’t worry me anymore and I no longer think about how I can make things right with him because I know I cannot. What worries me now is being in a clueless state when I think about how to put the pieces of my dreams, my plans and my ambitions back
The belief turned into reality when you pushed me so much that I couldn’t study or understand things I was studying. From being a dedicated student to being the one who shirks all responsibilities and tasks; I started questioning my existence. I was not lazy, but there were days when I didn’t want to come out of bed. I didn’t want to end my life, but I did feel suicidal at times. You were a terrifying mental condition that affected nearly every aspect of my life.
I am writing this letter because I am not embarrassed anymore. You probably already know how I am trying to put together all the shattered and scattered pieces around me. I want to tell you that I look at all the pieces with childlike curiosity because sometimes I can’t even remember where they belong. But, believe me when I say it, I am going to make something really beautiful and creative out of it. I am going to let flowers grow in even the saddest parts of me. I understand you enough now to beat the ways you try to manipulate my thoughts.
I will always win.
Not lovingly,
Not yours,
A conqueror