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‘I Always Knew That I Am Not A Guy’

Posted by Cake in Cake, LGBTQ, Monologues, Society, Staff Picks
January 12, 2017

By Maahi Arora:

I always knew that I am not a guy. Some people may find this funny and laugh, but the reproductive organs I have are not what define me.

Whenever I used to look at girls, I used to compare my chest with theirs, and assumed that mine would grow too. But later, as I grew up, I got to know that whatever I was thinking about myself was just my imagination. After all, I have a dick (which is of no use to me other than peeing).

So I started dressing up, took my mother’s lipstick, applied it, felt happy. I wore my sister’s floral dress, was even happier. And I went out of the house, roamed around my building compound, and I didn’t care much about the people who watched and laughed, because I was happy that finally I could satisfy my soul.

Later though, I got a beating from my father – satakkk! Of course. It had to happen. But I was happy! And that was the only thing that mattered to me that day and even now!

For a long while I had to hide my real identity. I had to go through the same old process of becoming a money making machine for my Indian parents. A good score in my exam meant taking science and maths as majors, meant I could become an engineer, and work in an IT MNC.

At the time, to make my real identity happy, I used to watch beauty pageants, especially Miss Universe! And the best part during my growing up years was seeing how India used to rock in pageants. I used to pretend to be the Indian contestant and walk down my not-so-beautiful living room, and pose for an imaginary photographer.

One fine day I decided to stop living a stupid made-up life – something I had been doing just to keep some people happy. So I joined an NGO that works with LGBTQ people. There, I made some amazing friends, and did some good work for the community too!

Then I realized that I am not the only woman with a story like this. There were many like me, and we all decided to have a drag party. I didn’t know what drag was until then. We bought whatever we could and applied whatever make-up we felt like, helping each other to look our best. So many pictures were taken, and in those moments too, I felt really really happy!

That night, I decided that I will live my life the way I want to.  And Maahi Arora was born.