A lot of times we have talked about women, what is happening to them, the current mis-happenings and the psychological impact of the atrocities, on the society. This time, I’ll share mine, of being a boy.
My ex-girlfriend was molested by her own best friend. And it is natural of her to hate the feeling of touch, thereafter. She lived with the deep psychological iteration of this dirty feeling crying for days. Well, all this happened when we didn’t meet. I entered her life few months after. And as it goes, as it should, our initial friendship went in knowing each other, but when the gears shifted, or I should say when she had faith in me, she shared this horrific truth about her life. I remember the moment she shared this, she slowly started crying and I held her hand more tightly yet swiftly.
Cut to two years later.
As any relationship would go, we had those extremely joyous moments with of course some cute little fights. But the main thing which I want to share is the last day, before I was coming to college. We spent the whole day together, and that day was coming to an end very quickly. I had my train at night. Everything packed in my rucksack, I hugged to her to say goodbye and welcome the phase of long distance, and at that moment I felt like kissing her.
And I didn’t feel good about it.
Why?
Swear to all the gods and goddesses if they really are, never did I have any thought of
sexual desire for her. I just wanted to be with her (in those days), talk to her, walk with her,
share the sorrows and multiply the happiness…hold her hand and just keep walking. Well
that was the teenage me, it sounds very cheesy and juvenile to me now, like eeee, but then
it was all in sheer romance.
In that moment when I felt like kissing her, a thought struck my mind that alarmed me of
the consequences. “Will she think of me ‘wanting’ anything?”, “Will my honor in her eyes
get lowered down?”, “ Will she start thinking that it all goes down to this (being physical) ?”
, in short “Will this gesture change the fate of our relationship?”
The questions were also because she had a bad past. I didn’t know at that time, whether I
was right or wrong, but thereafter a guilt developed inside my heart. I don’t know how and
why.
I don’t know how people go about it, but for me, being physical even in the gesture of kiss
was so very emotional thing. Emotional to an extent that I developed a guilt.
After seeing, reading and hearing about everyday molestations and rapes, for me
personally, being physical with the girl I loved so much, became so difficult. When her own
best friend had betrayed her to such level, I didn’t want even an iota of doubt about my
character or intentions. But inside me I was so pure of all the thoughts and desires.
Kissing your loved one is not wrong I know, but as a boy, living in today’s world, I am
clueless about when it is right or wrong. Of such a beautiful feeling, I have associated fear;
fear of being judged, fear of being looked down upon, fear of being another ‘wanna be’.
Tell me, had it been wrong, if I had kissed her?
Anyhow, I am over it. It has been almost two years since then and I took a hell lot of time
to empty the bowl of all the emotions. And it has been almost a year when I am feeling
fresh and young again, मस्त मक्खन. Life shifted gears to plethora of new things and after
the dark night of the break up, morning happened. I peeped inside myself, found what I
can do, developed new skill sets, roamed the streets of Jaipur with earphones, went to new
cafés, and found new love in tea, camera, and pen.
This was just a chapter of the past.