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My Rendezvous with Truth and Faith

Posted by Priyanka Kandoi in My Story
February 1, 2017

To begin with, I would like to describe myself as soft-spoken, quiet and fairly less expressive. I enjoy my own company and like to dream alone. People often misunderstand me, in this context, and feel that I am a brave girl who is unafraid of loneliness. But alone is not the same as lonely. I’d rather be surrounded by people because I have a secret fear of loneliness. I’m warm, open-hearted, desperately in need of both affection and emotional stability. I simply cannot stand truth being distorted, however harsh it may be.

My quest for truth and self-knowledge seems to be never-ending. I do not like to hold grudges and can admit my mistakes. I’m most self-conscious and hate people who make me feel ashamed of my identity. I can have terrible mood swings at times- from sensitive to introspective and again back to temperamental and caustic. People often misjudge my blunt candour. I’d rather be with someone who lets me be myself. I appreciate it when someone who really cares for me holds up the mirror of truth to my faults. I’m deeply vulnerable and my faith in people often puts me in awkward positions. I’m very confused about life and may not recognize my own goal until someone points it out to me. But this doesn’t mean I like being ordered around; in fact, I believe I was born to rebel against being commanded.

I always used to remind myself that when failure and sorrow threaten to dampen my dreams, joy and success are waiting in the wings to skip out. I simply don’t know where all these bright and beautiful views concerning life have vanished now. I’m no more the same person I used to be. I cannot recover as quickly from a broken heart as I can from other bad experiences. Unrequited love was all I got from a relationship. I gave my love freely to a person who ill-treated me and abused my trust.

I was born somewhat skeptical and my excursions into love have only sharpened this trait. When I fell in love, my whole spirit reached out like a trusting puppy, hungry for affection, ready to return it in full measure. Only now do the accumulated mistakes of the years cause me to wear the mask of cynicism. There is now an alarming shortage of honest people. I simply can’t stand hypocrites and phonies, but unluckily, have come across such people very often. I’ve discovered the dark side of the rainbow.

It’s not that I take love lightly. Each time I loved, I believed with all my heart that it had to be the first time two people ever felt such wonder. I sincerely want love to be real and forever-after, as in the fairy tales I used to read as a child. But ultimately, whenever I have fallen into heartbreak, there has been no net to catch me.My heart bears more wounds than anyone could ever suspect since I hide my sadness with fake smiles.I’ve plunged from the heights of supreme optimism and absolute faith, to the depths of sarcastic cynicism. I was overwhelmed by love’s idealism and therefore wounded by love’s reality, because my anxious quest has not yet led me to search for love where it really hides- within my own heart.

I’ve decided that I’m not going to let anyone play with this heart which is filled to the brim with love. Maybe if someone can convince me that he will love me completely, I’ll reward him with freedom, devoted friendship, affection, warmth and generosity. I basically want someone who’ll protect me and not order me around. I have no intention of giving up my individuality for anyone in this world. I may soak my pillow every night with tears, but my pride has resulted in me gaining the reputation of a cold heartless female.

The truth is- I’m a trusting child at heart. My mind helps me take care of myself in any emergency but my heart is defenseless. I just want someone who feels honesty is beautiful and deception is ugly. But for now, I’ve built a wall around myself and I won’t allow anyone to get so close to me that I can be shattered again. Later on, if someone does turn up who soothes my painful scars with his affectionate concern and helps me look to the future, then maybe I might think of getting into a relationship again.

Each time I have tears in my eyes, I console myself by saying, “The sun always comes out after the rain.” But it is of no help. I don’t see any sign of sunshine; instead I only see the gloomy rain of issues from my haunting past. I bluntly inform my subconscious that the only way to deal with my fears is to conquer them by accepting the challenge they’ve offered. I hope that someday I’ll be able to get over my past and move on with a positive outlook. Maybe then I’ll once again follow my discarded motto- “Be what you are, do what you feel and say what you think!”