“Loving him is the easiest thing I’ve ever done, but there was a point of time when I actually didn’t know, whether to hold on to him or just let it go”
Loving a man in uniform.
That’s my story. A roll coaster ride of emotions. A journey in which I could never find him beside me physically but I knew he’s with me. I could feel his presence. It’s been 10 months. Ten months of togetherness. Ten months with 10.000 times break up. Ten months of wait to see him, to just have a glance of him. Ten months of separation. Ten months of the long distance.
There’s a point of time in each one of us lives, when we fall for someone so hard that we made them our lives. The cupid of love did not spare me too. And I fell for this man, not an ordinary one. But a man in uniform. A man who’s serving in Indian Army.
It might sound fascinating. Army personnel – dealing with ammunition, bullets, projectiles, howitzer, mortars. Isn’t these sounds thrilling? But actuality is way more than these.
I’m just in my 20s, pursuing my degree in journalism, hails from defence background. Falling in love wasn’t difficult. We started romantically and became serious for each other. We both didn’t want a lovey-dovey, nutty about each other or a typical nonu-shonu (that’s what he says) kind of relationship. So it all started with a mature love. A kind of relationship which was more about loving, not being loved. I used to understand his work. He used to understand my emotions. Different work hours. Different states. Different situations. Still we managed to be together.
Honestly, it sucks! It feels pathetic to wait for the whole day, for him to text for once or for just a call. It feels very low. And then suddenly the phone rings at midnight. Finally, he calls.
“Just came back to room, how’re you? How’s your studies going on? Bebo can I sleep, have to get up early in the morning. Sorry…Love You”
His sleepy voice have that magic, that even if I would be boiling in anger, waiting for him with so many complaint, his I LOVE YOU in romantic intonation made me fall for him all again.
He’s one of the quietest person I’ve ever seen. His typical ‘Aur Batao’ sometimes used to irritate me the most. But he always used to make me smile by saying ‘Meri Kamoshiyon ko nahi samajhti tum….’ It’s a myth that Faujis are romantic, at least not in my case. His love always lingered in his silence.
We had got into knock-outs, then making up later the following day…only to have the same fight again and again. We both knew that no matter how bad we fight, how many sacrifices we have to make, it’s going to be worth it in the end.
But gradually things got changed. Suddenly one day he asked me to maintain distance from him. I didn’t know what happen. It felt like my whole world crashed down. I knew it was his work. His commitment for the nation. And he didn’t want me to suffer because of him. Maybe he knew he won’t be able to give me time. He didn’t want me to feel bad. That’s why he simply asked me to maintain distance.
I don’t know what I should call this. His love or his prudence. His self-restraints were breaking me down. We hardly talked after that. He wanted me to be with him but he couldn’t put any effort. I used to cry myself to sleep. But he never came to wipe off the tears. I felt like maybe he doesn’t love me anymore. Maybe I am not good enough.
I still remember before we started our relationship, I told him one thing that there might be a time when we won’t be able to talk (because of your work), things will fester, and if our relationship sustains then only its true love.
I knew that time has come. I was losing all my hope. I was losing all my belief. I was losing my peace. I was letting him to take me for granted. But I loved him. And I just couldn’t unloved him. No matter how hard I try. That was the most difficult part, to hold on to him or let him go.
Now I was understanding why people are falling out of love nowadays. Maybe they’re not prepared for the sacrifices, for the compromises, for the unconditional love. People just quit. People want everything easy. A single hurdle and everything comes to dust. People do not understand that love is not about feeling like a ton of work and angst. They are not ready to hold on to someone. Maybe letting it go is too easy nowadays.
I have waited for him for eight months. Eight L O N G months. Without any hope. Without any commitment. Without any promises. I’ve just waited for him to come and hold me. These eight months taught me many things. Things like love is not about excitement or thrill in life. It’s not to have someone to go movie with or party with. It’s not about somebody to call you now and then and saying ‘I love you’.
But it’s about someone who just don’t read your words but understands your deepest silences. The silence has a heartbeat. You need to feel that. It’s about being with someone to whom you can’t see for months, can’t talk for weeks but still you can trust each other. Distance gives us reason to love harder. It’s about so madly in love with someone that you can travel for 4 hours just to see him at airport for 5 mins, even if you know that he’s the guy who has been hurting you. It’s about being with someone without any expectations, praying every day for his well-being, hoping things will be fine. There’s a lingo in FAUJ ‘This too shall pass’. It’s not about ‘falling in love’. It isn’t something you fall for; it’s something you rise for.
Nowadays I see a lot of girls going gaga over men in uniform. They are falling for the uniform, the lavish lifestyle of army, that aura of being around a fauji.
But sweethearts, trust me, loving a man in uniform is way more than these.
It’s matter of proud. It’s a matter of sacrifices. Unconditional love and understanding his unapologetic behavior. And the most important thing BELIEF.
We are still together. I believe that despite all his protestation, love will seep into his depths and hue his world with color. I just believe that someday things will be better. I believe.
The Tom&Jerry relationship of us . Just to know people how I N S A N E L Y we love each other, these are some screenshots of our conversation.