Only Wearing A Sari Can Keep You Safe In India

Dear Indian women,

Are you afraid that the length of your sleeve is bringing dishonour to your family?

Are you spending countless hours wondering if your attire is keeping you safe?

Well, worry no more, and read on, for this guide will provide you with the essentials of dressing like an Indian woman.

Why? You ask.

It is to deal with the leading concern of the nation that women’s reproductive urges are being curbed because of the way they dress! Yes! There is a direct co-relation between how you dress and your internal biological functioning.

So ladies, raid your closet and pick out anything that even slightly resembles a man’s attire, and replace them with the evergreen salwar kameez. Do not hesitate for a second as you let your ripped jeans, crop tops, and jackets burn as they’re the reason you constantly keep picking up that copy of “To Kill A Mocking Bird” and not the kitchen guides for the perfect round roti (chapatti).

Let’s not forget to pair up the salwar with the dupatta, as we do not want to hinder the process of women turning into mere procreation tools with any more silly mistakes. Dressing yourself this way would soon bring about several hormonal changes wherein you’d start endorsing waist-long hair instead of those distasteful shoulder length, or (god forbid) pixie cuts, thus putting an end to imitating men.

But wait! The salwar kameez isn’t the only piece of clothing you will be restricted to wearing, we understand how progressive fashion has to be. You also have the ample freedom to wear a sari!

While the sari has dominated several runway shows in the past few years, and is always an undying trend, did you also know that the sari alone has the wonderful power of keeping you safe and sound from prying eyes!

Yes! You heard it right, the sari and salwar kameez stand more of a chance to keep you protected than the entire Indian Police Service combined. Soon enough, there will be government yojanas (schemes) which see that every female specie is provided with ample Indian attire ensuring their safety. This will be followed by banning the vile movie franchise “Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man.”

What do you mean by asking women to think for themselves, and that too like a man? What kind of lessons are we inculcating in young girls?

Walk the streets bravely in these attires, as they magically transform into camouflage, thereby not attracting any unwanted attention.

Statistics have shown that unlike western clothing, sporting Indian attire, will automatically stop you from stepping outside of the house after 5 p.m.

Working late hours, you say? Well, that’s the western influence talking. Step into the salwar and see yourself not worrying about being independent anymore!

Kalpana Chawla was the first Indian woman to go into space.
Kalpana Chawla also wore pants.

So go ahead, what are you waiting for? Knock down your neighbour’s door, send mass texts on WhatsApp, tell them to dress like an Indian woman for their well-being.

Tell the working mother of two kids, gracefully balancing her hectic work life, and yet coming back home to read bed-time stories to her kids, that her pant suit, isn’t ladylike.

Tell Dipa Karamkar, 23 years and taking the world by a storm being the first female gymnast from India to compete in Olympics in 52 years, that showing herself off in her leotard, is messing up her reproductive system.

Tell your little niece who dreams of becoming an astronaut after burying her nose in books and articles about Kalpana Chawla, the first Indian woman in space, that she needs to dress like an Indian girl.

Go on. Tell her.


Image credits: Flickr/denisbin