Why Are Virgin Men Looked Down Upon?

Posted by Arunchandra c in Masculinity
February 23, 2017
Editor’s note: This story is in response to Youth Ki Awaaz’s topic – #GenderStereotypes to smash ridiculous rules around gender imposed by patriarchy.

We live in a sexually repressive society. Let’s accept that! Most of us grow up in a setting which restricts free interaction between males and females. Despite this, why do some people look down on men for not losing their virginity by a certain age? The guy who prefers to stay away from casual sex is looked down upon by his own peers. He will be called less of a man for not being capable enough of seducing a girl.

I don’t understand why men who have sex with girls deserve more respect than others. Even though I’m well past that age where that should matter and I don’t have peers who call me out for not pursuing relationships or even one night stands with women, I still wonder why this exists in the first place.

It’s a general perception that having a woman willing to have sex, in general, is an indication of a man’s worthiness among his peers. There are some exceptions but this is the basic truth. It’s the same reason some guys boast about their ‘conquest’ of girls. I remember the friend who made stories of having sex with many other girls from our batch, just to boost his self-image in our friend group.

Men are depicted as and expected to be aggressors. Being sexually aggressive is the proper way to be a man. If you aren’t, then you are looked down upon by other men. On the other hand, women who have sex with lots of men are seen as sluts. That makes no sense. Men need to be having sex with someone, right? It’s a messed up expectation sprouting from patriarchy, which expects men to be dominant. Personally, someone’s sex life and who they sleep with isn’t anyone’s business and I don’t know why the world cares so much about it.

The reasons why women consider you worthy can be up for discussion because different women have different tastes and likes. Some women like a jock, some like a brain, some like a funny guy, some like an artist, some like a writer, some like a man who is emotionally open and loving and most like a combination of those traits. I strongly feel that having sex with ‘n’ number of girls doesn’t make you great.

If a man remains a virgin, does this mean that no woman has judged him worthy in any of the mentioned areas? No, absolutely not. Of course, it is highly undesirable among your peers, but it’s not something which makes you great in any way.

While getting married, the first question they ask the girl is, “are you a virgin?” If she is not, she is rejected and called a ‘whore’ or a ‘slut’. Meanwhile, if the guy answers ‘yes’, he is considered desirable. Of course, people make the usual statement, “boys will be boys.”

I have seen guys who had sex with their girlfriends or other girls, saying, “I want to get married to a virgin girl.” I never understand this hypocrisy, where you can sleep around, while your future wife should be a ‘pure’ soul. It’s acceptable for a guy to have multiple sex partners, while the girl is excepted to remain a virgin.

I am not going to not marry a girl because she’s had sex before. I would be limiting myself big time and might miss out on something great. I can’t desire for someone to be something when I am not the same myself. That will be pure hypocrisy.