Disclaimer: This is a grossly misleading account of how I, a non-existent guy, made it to a non-existent service. Kindly do not take it to heart or mind or soul. More importantly, do not hunt me down.
This article is a standalone piece on my path to IAS aka Indian Acronyms Service, a new pseudo-all-India service created and tailored to suit the needs of the present government. If you came here looking for the Indian Administrative Service as I’m sure most of you did, I have to tell you, this here is THE NEW BOMB.
Did you really think that the catchy acronymic names of government schemes with no-nonsense full forms grew on trees (GoT)? It is a result of our PACT (Persistent And Unprecedented Creative Talent) and STUFF (Sunny Times Under Football and Fun) and SHIT (Shit Has no Ixpansion Though), and not putting together random words as many think it to be.
So here goes.
Getting into IAS is a three-step process, a lot like other all India services, but not really.
STAGE 1: The Preliminary Test
Although the competition isn’t as high as it is for the Civil Services test, I’m sure once this article is out, the number of job applicants will increase by tenfold if not more. The syllabus is pretty much the same, which is everything under the sun. This is to ensure that even if somebody (more often than not) mistakes us to be an officer from the Administrative Service (which we usually tend to not rectify), we should be a convincing one at the least.
The exam itself is 50% luck, 50% hard work and 50% qualifying math which I’m naturally good at. I’d say another 25% is political correctness.
For eg: What is SCAM?
(a) Save Country from Amit Shah and Modi
(b) SP, Congress, Akhilesh and Mayawati
(c) Both (a) and (b)
(d) I support Jayalalithaa
Like I mentioned, this is not really an all-India service to be apolitical.
I owe a lot of my success to LUCK (Look Up online in Case of Konanders). For those who don’t know, it’s an app allowed in the exam hall, accessible only to those who voted Yes when MyGov asked: “Do you support demonetisation?”
STAGE 2: The Main Exam (written)
Pro-tip: Squeeze in at least one acronym in every sentence possible, the more it annoys the reader the better. Flaunt your creativity, even if you have none.
This is where they test your skills in balanced articulation, neutered criticism, ETC (Exemplary Tailwagging to Central policies). Diplomacy here is KEY (Kickass Excellence in Your test). Okay, I’ll stop that shit.
STAGE 3: The Personal Interview
This has to be the toughest stage, what with the mental pressure ET AL (Every Two minutes At the Loo). Present in my interview board was who I will call MPD or Mere Pyare Deshvasiyon’s hologram (naming him might get me in trouble).
I fainted out of sheer awe at the mere sight of it him.
“Would you like some nariyal juice?” A behind-the-scenes guy ran to me and asked.
“You mean nariyal paani, yes please,” I croaked. I knew the panel was impressed. Your degree of political correctness has to be breathtaking, even when your own breath isn’t working right.
“So tell us, since you fainted et al, why do you admire MPD?”
“Because he is a man with a big heart, sir.”
“Oh, so you have seen his MRI Scans?”
“Well, what do you think the 56-inch chest houses then? Aloo gobi? It’s his BIG heart. I’m sorry to say (SOS), but you sound anti-national (ANAL).” The rest of the panel turned to him, fuming. I thought my job was done.
“Here’s my Aadhaar, and here’s my screensaver” – it was Gomaatha, “I have a Jio Sim and I only use PayTM.”
“Tch tch, sorry we misunderstood.”
“Well. Back to you. What do you think of India’s demographic dividend and our rising population?”
“Sir, when the Army officers and BSF jawans are working day and night at Siachen so that the country sleeps peacefully at night, I do believe people should just sleep peacefully at night, instead of contributing their share to the population. It is the least we could do.”
“Actually…” the HR member cut in.
SHIT, I knew there had been a technical glitch. Wasn’t India’s population actually stabilizing? I’d fallen into their pit.
“… you do know that babies can be made during the daytime (DAD)?” Well, thank God.
“Sir, perhaps if we could make a policy to empower moral policing groups in the context of PvtDA, as it already is legalized in case of PDA, that’s when India would really shine, and that is how India will become digital.”
I knew I was almost there. The cherry on top coming up.
“Or we could play the National Anthem on loudspeakers in every locality every few hours, that’ll terrify them out of their wits, and beds.”
At this, the 56-inch torso-ed hologram got up on its legs, and said, “YOU. YOU will join my Kitchen Cabinet on Monday.”
“But sir, I don’t have a degree in political science, I can hardly cook.”
“I’m sure we can do something about that,” said the HR guy. He was already on the phone – “Yes it’s me again, we’ll need another couple of certificates.”
Like I said, the interview is a little ‘unconventional’, but if you get through, you’re a quasi-public servant/IAS officer. You also get a complimentary lifetime Jio subscription.
I soon got married to a rich businessman’s daughter on account of my job title *wink*. She almost kicked me out when she found out what the ‘A’ stood for. Her mother was about to hurl my beloved miniature figurine of the UN-adjudged ‘The Most Charming PM in The World’ (kuch bhi) when I remembered and yelled, “The car – I still get the car! With the red beacon!”
“Oh! Well, why didn’t you say so in the first place? Come on in son,” my mother-in-law beckoned.