Dear Diary,
I feel like I have fallen into a deep, dark pit with no light in sight. My world is teeny weeny now. Honestly, my sole focus in life right now is just surviving. Everything else falls by the wayside. Unfortunately, that includes any form of social life. So not only is my world tiny, it is unbelievably lonely. The kind of lonely that makes you feel worthless and disoriented. My eyes are puffy as I write this. It’s because I have been crying from three days. It feels like I am in a bubble and no one can see me or will understand what I am going through mentally or emotionally.
Today was just like any other day. With sweaty palms and anxiety curled into my stomach I entered into the classroom. I could feel my nerves tingling like being tickled with a small feather. I went and sat on the last desk and I promise, I tried being friends with them and when they laughed, I laughed and when they smiled, I smiled. But when I cried, I cried alone.
You know, from the past few days, more often than not my eyes glistens with sadness, pulling down my eyebrows, wilting like flowers in autumn. Today my lips trembled to let out a sob but I didn’t for what would everybody think of me? I was surrounded by so many people yet it seemed like I was alone, searching for something. But, what? A place to hide?
After coming from school I stood in front of the mirror today and pointed out all my flaws. At that moment, I felt a terrible weight on my shoulders. It was as if a giant boulder was laid on me and I couldn’t straighten up or catch my breath entirely. What was it? Society’s pressure to be perfect? Why are we forced to look and feel in a certain way? Where do these unreachable standards come from? There are kids in school who make me feel inferior in every possible way. I am ugly, they say. I am stupid, they say.
Every day I wake up I am scared to speak up my problems. I try so hard to fit in. To stop all the “you’re ugly” “you’re fat” “ew”. I have started ditching class with the cool kids to be accepted. I have started wearing clothes that would make me look “hot”. I have started to not do my homework to be “cool”. I am not being who I am. And the harder I try, the harder life is.
As I inch closer and closer to the noose, I miss how happy a kid I was! How I loved being called as “Pollyanna” by my Dad! I feel hurt. I feel lost. There is no one to save me. I think I am not meant to be in this world. I hope the other world is where I truly belong.
Amen.