I Am Sad, Off, Exhausted, Alone But I Am Fine!

Posted by Monali Dutta in #LetsTalk
April 7, 2017
This story is in response to Youth Ki Awaaz’s topic for this week – #LetsTalk to start a conversation on the stigma around depression. If you have an opinion or personal story of dealing with or helping someone else deal with depression or suicidal thoughts, write to us here.

Dear Adult,

The age of 23-28 is very crucial in one’s life. It is the time when you can make yourself the hero for your coming generations or you are going to be the looser, the entire family will gossip about. Its one life, we need to make the fullest of it. There are, of course, different meanings to success these days. For me, its all about making big bucks and having a peaceful life. For some, its all about marriage, having kids and getting settled in life. A few years back, having sex in your 20s used to make you a ‘slut’ and now, not having sex in your 20s makes you a loser.

What to choose, is up to you! Which way to move, Is your wish! Sometimes your decisions make you the survivor and sometimes, it leads you to utter distress. Reactions to loss, life’s struggles is all part of the same life. Feeling of intense sadness- feeling alone, hopeless, worthless makes you feel more guilty.

And then there are people, people very close to you, who are supposed to uplift you in every situation are the ones who pulls you down. Rather, drags you down. Amid these bunch of nonsense, you feel vulnerable, lonely and there comes the word depression and utter frustrations.

In these never ending race of life, we loose ourselves. We loose the desire to do more. We loose the zeal to live a happy life. The denial in every field, stops us from growing up. The job which makes us wear an ID card becomes the only requirement of our life and we forget the dreams we had. We squint the words.

Happiness stays in our bank account and life, in those busy metro and railway stations. 23 is a confusing age, You can call yourself young, but deep inside your heart, you know that one year more, and you will be on the other side of the twenties. This is the time, when you do something, to bluff the world, you do something to show those cranky next door aunties that you are earning well. But, Passion? Zero. Scared to follow that.

I am that sacred yet passionate 23-year-old, who has done everything in flow, is yet following the world; lost herself amid the teeming population, lost her dreams to make her creator proud. Yet there are those unsatisfied bunch of people, wanting to pull me down. There is the creator of mine, who may be dreams of me, going to Pluto someday. Human needs are unsatisfied and hence, some pretty young people loose their dream in making the world happy.

I say life is short and I still need a way to be remembered after I am dead. I find there is a huge difference in working for yourself and working your ass off to make some one else happier. We either need to make a name for ourselves and die or we lose ourselves in making someone else’s name high and die. The problem is we stop thinking!

Dear adults, learn to follow your dreams. Learn to walk on your own way. Learn to get what YOU want from your life. Learn to make a name. Learn to live high, incredibly high that when you die, people will remember you.

I have a deflated volleyball, an in complete MS Office Doc, a big list of Hip Hop songs, forgotten dreams, dysfunctional imagination and a discombobulated ladder towards happiness.  I left all because I wanted to make someone else happy.

Where is my heart, my lungs full of air breathed in the summit of fresh dreams! Where are my dead dreams? I don’t bother.

One of my favorite persons told me few days back, if you are distressed, fight for your own self, don’t try to gather sympathy from the social media. Make your life mature, mature that it doesn’t rely on your Facebook and Whatsapp status!

I tell you, my love, I write because deep inside my heart I am exhausted, off, alone! And for the world, ” I am Fine”!

Every other girl in her twenties is the same! Fighting to live their dreams, carving for someone’s attention and living for making someone else happy! They are compelled to say ” I AM FINE” because the untrue world, doesn’t care!