Depression – come to think about it, it is just a word. It is not a disease, it is not painful. You can’t see it or its effects on your body but believe me it is one of the most dangerous thing.
Depression is a mental and psychological issue that can happen to anyone at any time. And worst of all, most people don’t even know they are suffering from it. People use the term ‘feeling depressed’ rather loosely these days, but only people suffering from it understand its gravity.
I understand it because I suffered it so severely that I came on the verge of wanting to kill myself. I didn’t know what was happening to me and why getting out of bed was the hardest thing to do. It engulfed me so slowly that even my husband couldn’t understand what was happening. He blamed my eating and sleeping habits for my lethargy and I agreed with him.
I didn’t know what was happening and suddenly every knife, matchstick started to lure me. So many times I found myself staring at a knife as if it was calling to me. I stopped going to the terrace as I felt a deep urge to jump. Things turned weird for me when I started pulling knives from the sharp ends and holding them tight in my fist. The pain soothed me. Thankfully the edges were not sharp enough for me to get cut, but it did hurt. And the more it hurt, the more relieved I felt.
I was still suffering when my colleague returned from a three months official trip. She was a good friend and I spent most of my spare time with her during my office hours.
“What is wrong with you?” she asked when we met. I shrugged, barely answering. I wasn’t talking anymore. I barely spoke and that too for work, which was unusual as I was a chatterbox. She could have taken it the wrong way but she was a good friend. She investigated the change in my behavior and had an open discussion with me. She made me realize how I had stopped talking, laughing, eating and how I was harboring suicidal tendencies.
And it was my first step towards getting better.
As I talked I let out all the pain that I kept bottled in and how desperately lonely I was. Many people take help of counselors but I didn’t. I helped myself by altering a few aspects of my personal life. And suddenly knives and heights started to seem much less appealing.
But has it gone completely? No… I suffer from it even now but at least now I am well aware of it.
How do I tackle it each day? I am a soft-hearted and too sensitive person who is rude and arrogant on the outside. Many people hate me for who I am but I don’t care anymore. I have stopped thinking ‘what will people say?’. All I care about is my family and my mental health. And the days when knives start to seem appealing again, yes they do now and again, I wrap my arms around my husband and sob, let my heart out and wail in my pain. Usually, it works, but when it doesn’t, I throw things around and scream… scream till my frustration is over. You might think it is wrong but to us, me and my husband, nothing is more important than to not let me fall into the pit of depression again. For I don’t know if I would be able to crawl back out of it this time!