Light Is Always Going To Creep Back In

Posted by Yash Vardhan in #LetsTalk
April 4, 2017

NOTE: This post has been self-published by the author. Anyone can write on Youth Ki Awaaz.

This story is in response to Youth Ki Awaaz’s topic for this week – #LetsTalk to start a conversation on the stigma around depression. If you have an opinion or personal story of dealing with or helping someone else deal with depression or suicidal thoughts, write to us here.

There is a reason why your friends and your family say to you, it’s going to be okay. Most of the time, it’s that little part of your heart that says, you know what, it’s gonna be okay. You’ll be fine.

Yes, you might have felt agony and angst like no other. You might have thought that it is ending for you and there won’t be a new tomorrow.

Yes, you will wake up everyday with the feeling of going back to sleep, or lie there and stare into the oblivious.

Yes, you will writhe in pain, the hurt would be unbearable. You might be out or come back home, intoxicated beyond comprehension. Or maybe, you’ll cry yourself to sleep.

Yes, after those cries and screams, you will never feel anything is okay. That, you’re beyond repair and it’s done.

You’ll always wait for the day when it’s finally over. Only to realize you still haven’t got closure.

Maybe you are someone, who just wanted to be that someone special

Someone who wanted to be just like the others around you. Someone who wanted to be recognized. We grow up being taught that there is a meaning to why we are born as humans. That every one is special, it becomes a habit, that we are going to get our way.

Everyone one of us feel that we are fire, The fire that is waiting to be ignited with the slightest of sparks. But it came all crashing down, turns out you’re are not what you thought you are.

You wanted it to stop. You wanted the jokes and the comments to stop for once and for all.

Being called uncool, fat, ugly, weird, irresponsible, yada yada, other negative qualities, you wanted all this to stop. All this was said by folks who failed to love you, who never understood what it is meant to be kind and compassionate. They failed in love, they did not just fail to love and appreciate you.

You did everything you thought that could make it okay. You got a car, you got a house, you got all the fancy stuff, but people still did not buy it. People were pessimistic of the idea, that was you.

Your world, is then, when it shifted. It broke down. It was an earthquake you have never experienced. You saw that you did everything and you were kind and honest, but at the end, it worked against you. All the hard work and crawl, gone for a toss.

Finally you are left alone, alone to cry. To scream, to be with yourself. With your thoughts. It becomes clearer.

Your fear of death was ironic, you never wanted to fade into the oblivion, but yet you wanted out. Funny isn’t it?

Your heart did not give a fuck, it kept beating.<

Suddenly, you stopped apologizing, and your heart started hurting less. You become reclusive, you became quiet.

You knew you’d fall and you knew how to get back up. You went back to them, those who always cared, a friend from school, your family.

You stopped fretting about what happened. Maybe sometimes it does come back. But, you stopped caring about it.

You became a pro at failing and getting up again. It was hard the first time, but it got better every time you failed.

You felt it, however dark your place is, Light is going to make those cracks, it’s gonna creep in back through those cracks and completely destroy darkness, time and again. You knew light will never stop fighting and so will you.

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