Marriage – an event in the life, a very important event, which most of us have, and which separates our lives into two unequal halves. Marriage is considered as a very important part of faith and which is said to prevent people from immorality by binding them in a moral relationship. Marriage – the event, many adolescents and youths dream of and which many married people reflect upon post-marriage. We all have many relations in our life – parents, siblings and children. We can’t choose them. Marriage is the only relation where we have a choice of choosing the relative.
Like every person, I too dreamt of my marriage ever since I was an adolescent. It’s just that these dreams were different than most people my age. I dreamt of becoming a bride and marrying a young handsome debonair. I dreamt of having a perfect family – rather two families, my birth family and my family in law. I dreamt of having angelic children with soft buttery skin who would spread their laughter all over the house. I dreamt of becoming a perfect partner. I dreamt and dreamt and dreamt and I knew; knew that these dreams are but just dreams and that they may never come true. I did not live in a world of delusions. I had the mirror in front of me; the mirror which did not lie. In that mirror, I saw him and not her – the perfect bride of future.
As I advanced into my third decade and entered the marriageable age, I started receiving proposals for marriage through nosy neighborhood aunties and pesky relatives, whose only aim in life appeared to get me knotted. My ‘No’ was not ‘No’ to them. (Pink had not released then) For them, it meant, ‘it’s too early’, (these doctors always marry when they are so old, the aunties must have thought) so they kept patience and patience they did keep for more than a decade. It is only recently when I have moved out of their sight from Mumbai to Delhi, that the proposals have stopped coming my way. But they have now started coming from my colleagues at the office, who see in me a perfect bachelor who is unnecessarily delaying getting married.
While all these years, when I was saying that I do not want to get married, people thought that I am anti-marriage and would preach me about the necessity and importance of marriage. Little did they know, while I was saying ‘No’ to every marriage proposal thrown my way, inside I was craving to get married, more than any other unmarried person. I am a very pro-marriage person who believes that marriage is a very important medium to fulfill the physical, mental, emotional and social needs of a person (sounds like health’s definition?) and that fulfilling these needs is a very important (but not necessary) step to achieving greater satisfaction and fulfillment of our life.
So, while I was saying no to marriage proposals, young people all around me were getting married. My ‘crushes’ whom I had dreamt as my future groom, were getting claimed one by one. “Whoosh, he is gone, whoosh, he too and whoosh, oh no he too is gone.” I saw them getting married one after another to beautiful women who were born as girls. Similarly, the girls who were of my age were mostly married too. And there I was, Single, always saying no, while marriage proposals were lined up my way, as I craved inside to get married and fulfill my dreams.
Somehow, all this had an effect on the way I looked at marriages. It became very emotionally disturbing for me to attend marriage ceremonies. I soon started withdrawing from them. So much so that I did not attend the marriage ceremony of some of my close friends and cousins. I just sat at home, but did not go. It would not be an exaggeration to say that I had grown jealous of the lucky grooms and brides, who got married so easily, when time came, as a natural progression of life, while for me, it was nearly impossible. And what was my mistake in this??
Ever since I left my home in Mumbai and have shifted to Noida-Delhi, which is now six years, I have attended just two marriages.
Meanwhile, when my trans friend who is a medical student in a Delhi college, asked me while chatting today, if she should expect a wedding for Aqsa, I said, “I hope so!” Hope – It is still alive and keeps us alive.
Be blessed dear readers and appreciate how lucky you all are.