An Ode To My Extra Pounds

Posted by Barkha Manocha in Body Image
April 14, 2017

Hi, I am a heavy and curvy girl.

When I say this, it means I hold a lot of extra pounds. The pounds have been teaching me a lot lately. They are strict. However, I owe them a thank you. These long years of extra flesh have always made me realise the importance to look beyond. Fat kids are always made fun of, boycotted and rejected more often than usual. I was a victim too. I have been made to stand back in line because beautiful girls dance well and are ‘cherry’ to the eyes. I always used to challenge my father, for I thought there was no task which I couldn’t do. I proved him wrong in every field he thought I would fail in.

I learned to excel in all the fields that were looked highly upon, to impress others. I learned to be active and cook. However, I still heard suggestions my parents got regarding my weight. In no time, it became a matter of shame not only for me but my parents too. It became a big challenge when puberty first kissed my belly. Girls used to wear short skirts, low waist pants and crop tops. I used to cover myself the most and pretended to be someone who loved traditional wear, whereas I always wanted to hide everything that I could.

There was a time when I was convinced that I wasn’t the girl who was meant for any special attention. So, I behaved like boys and became a tomboy. It helped me in making many friends. At least it didn’t let me eat my lunch alone. It always made me realise I was worth a lot of pity. I had to compromise because I was fat and ‘undesirable’. My parents worried about my marriage since everyone was seen and judged.

As a reward of such a complex personality, it taught me to be humble, not mock people who are different and be wise. At least wisdom would give you someone to talk to. Girls said, “I love to go for shopping,” but I knew the embarrassment of wearing jeans which didn’t fit and a tight top. What a mystery it was when people talked about my good points, the points that made them feel that I was their daughter. However, no one knew. I worried when I walked beside a boy because I constantly felt that he should not feel embarrassed. They said do what your heart wants, but no efforts of mine have made myself comfortable in this heavy dress.

No matter how much I want to disown my weight, it has stopped me from losing my mind, from being overproud of my achievements. It was a dark reality check. I wish I could love it the way it is loving me.

-From a heavy curvy girl

To The Sad Curvy Girl I Was,

Such a loser I was. Because I could not love myself enough, I always thought people were insufficient and indifferent. I just over analysed everything and collected pieces of my failure to cry upon. I always thought things would be amazing and perfect once I lost weight, but this is not going to happen. Having a reality check is an important aspect of life. I could never figure out why the over-enthusiastic girl who used to be happy in the gym ended up leaving it. Why did no dietary plans work out? After all, what is the source of this great deserted hope?

And the day came when I realised that it wasn’t my fat. It was my ignorance about an amazing soul, that was getting accumulated and increasing. The reason to join the gym was wrong, the reason to have a slimmer body was wrong and that is why I didn’t end up losing weight. After a huge journey, my first step to weight loss was self-acceptance, the love for my body, the love that I expected others to show. How can someone love me, if I don’t love myself enough? And to my surprise, the girl in the mirror is beautiful and I have started loving my reflection in the mirror too.

The next step is to acknowledge the reason I want a better body. The gym should mean happiness and not a place that makes me feel filthy about myself. If not gym, then Yoga, and if not Yoga, then Zumba. Do whatever makes you feel happy and that may include you just wandering in a park alone. People bullshit about the fact that happy people get fat, laughter makes a person fat. Now, I have started listening to my guts, understanding my body and differentiating emotional hunger with physical hunger, something I lost a long time ago.

Last year, I became seriously unwell, took six months to heal and had three really painful surgeries. It isn’t a big problem if I’m unwell below my neck, it is a serious problem if I’m unwell above it. Not boasting, but I think everything happens for a good reason. When I was on my bed, my whole big family came to see me and it was fun talking to everybody I had been ignoring because of my studies. Honestly, I celebrated it and connected back with people I wouldn’t have if I weren’t on the bed.

Everyone has issues and we must learn to explore and deal with them with everything that is beautiful within oneself.

– From a curvy girl

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Image Source: John and Melanie (Illingworth) Kotsopoulos/ Flickr

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