You should know what happened when you left. I don’t regret being with you. But I couldn’t forget the days we talked for hours. You made me laugh and I missed that when I was sad. People who told me “it’s alright” made me feel worse. I hated their pitiful eyes and formal words. I needed someone to care but you were busy in your new found world.
I couldn’t forget the burnt food you cooked. It had so much love and care. You were so thoughtful but then what happened?
Was it easy for you to move on? Didn’t you ever miss me?
Such thoughts continued to disturb me. Only the puffy eyes and the damp pillow knew I hadn’t slept for several nights. I always blamed myself for every wrong you did. I could no more face people because “what would they think about me?”
You left me with a ‘black dog’ that came along everywhere. I no more understood how people could be happy. I hated that I couldn’t. I felt nothing good about myself. I still depended on you for appreciation. I was so tired of fighting the lack of thoughts. Accepting your sudden absence was so difficult, I never thought I could do it.
I had no energy to get out of my bed or leave my room. I couldn’t eat anymore. With you, I lost my love for food too. I was good for nothing. Nobody could help me because I couldn’t help myself.
There was a certain pain all over and I still don’t know why. I was tired without doing any work. My mind felt like it was dying day by day. I was stuck in a mess I had myself created but didn’t know how to come out of it. You left me depressed and I forgive you now.
I was about to do what you said before you left – “I don’t care even if you die.” All I wanted to know was if you care. Before I decided to kill myself I told everybody I love them. The effort it took to express my love helped me stay alive. While I was sharing my feelings, I realised that I had so many people who worried about me. You left but they were all there for me.
I decided to seek professional help to be a healthier person. My mind was sour and I realised I couldn’t get better by myself. Only when you left, I realised I could look after me. I didn’t have to depend on anybody if I didn’t want to.
Hope you realise you lost someone who truly loved you. Someday, you would understand that I was depressed because of all that you made me go through. I want you to know that even though you said I was weak, I have emerged strong! I have understood myself better.
So dear ex, even though you left me depressed, I am a survivor now. You were wrong about me throughout. You judged me like everybody else and I am glad we are not together now.
Despite you being you, I will still want you to take care.
Yours no more,
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