Suicide- You Commit, You Survive, You Fear.. And Then You Learn.

Posted by Myriad Hues
April 16, 2017

NOTE: This post has been self-published by the author. Anyone can write on Youth Ki Awaaz.

till i maintained the distance seventeen everything was great.. i was the best student according to my teachers. they adored me like hell, because of my level of intelligence than my other mates. I also was good in extra curricular so it made me kinda popular among my schoolmates too. in short i loved my school life.. since it was the only life i had ! I had great dreams for myself… I wanted people to know me that I’ve been here, in this world.. i wanted people to acknowledge my presence.
My dream was to clear sat and study abroad.. n fulfill my dreams.. which i was very close to… but then tragedy changed my DNA like mutation at the mid of my grade 11 I don’t know what happened, they may say serious illness but  I still don’t consider it as ‘illness’ it was I would say limit of tolerance.

I have 5 members in my family. of which 4 females and one male.
My older sis is damn good at everything  plus my parents were aware of that thing. but they didn’t know anything bout me or maybe because we hardly used to talk. but i had tons of friends. because of that I never felt lonely but after that day, Idk my life turned upside down.. it wasn’t that much of a issue but it mattered to me. My family of-course they cared..but i could never feel their love or care.
I had to drop my class 12th year ’cause of fear n everything they called it illness.. some serious illness they say. they did try curing it but they didn’t try curing it mentally. earlier that time i used to cry everyday thinking why all this is happening to me… but the day my dad told me your teachers n i had decided that you won’t be writing exams.. I was somehow calm.. not calm but it was somewhat suffocating. I couldn’t cry but was restless… later on things got adaptive to me… but my family never talked to me about that… we shifted to our homeland next year, the hidden  depression that accumulated all these years was too much to handle moreover the recent gap in my academic year plus the disease wasn’t getting cured.. It all had a great impact on me. especially the academy one. I knew only one psychologist whom i met by chance she was also my best buddy she claimed it to be PTSD. My dreams were everything to me. And to think to get over it was really something to me. so i was sad, depressed, annoyed but mostly lonely. Before the school reopened I tried committing suicide for the 3rd-4th time… earliest attempt of my suicide was childish. reason was childish… and lame. and nobody knew bout it. but this one…
I overdosed on 20 paracetamols with 5 divalproex.. the next day my mum saw the tears of tablets and she asked if i had em.. I was asleep rather unconscious. When I woke up, the first thought was ‘ i didn’t die?’.. but I had weird feeling in my stomach. I wanted to puke..My sis was asleep, mum was watching TV.. in the same room. The urge to puke was different, i held on tight to my tummy to get rid of that nauseous feeling and I puked on my sister.. she was like wth !! when I went to washroom I couldn’t stop puking.. continuously.. not stopping even for a sec. My mother and sis discussed if i had medicines.. my sis idk how confirmed that i had it all. mum was damn angry.. she didn’t even come near me. sisy  checked bout the consequences of it.. my condition that time was worse ! we were on rent that time.. lots of other families as neighbors.. weird people..  Myy sis kept on ranting idk what happened thereafter..  dad came they talked.. he was angry too of course  but he didn’t show much… took me to docs.
In the hospital it was a scene.. them all docs were old aged.. one was like why did she eat it all ? with suspicion.
next day another lady doc.. was like ‘that’s why i don’t like girls ! they are born only to bring shame to their parents, and then asked me do you have a boyfriend ? something happened ? she was like what other reason could you have ? later on after our talks.. when she sounded convinced she said take these antidotes.. but i’m not referring to any psychiatrist or psychologist because that would be shameful ( i was like fuck you all ideology) mum n dad seemed calmed.. after i had antidote when i was back home.. that day everyone  was tensed up.. i was on terrace  bracing the weather.. . my dad asked me ‘why did you do that ? you need help in studies ? i couldn’t think of anything else.. tbh i didn’t have any reason so i said yes. next day we checked few coaching centers i joined one but left after 3 days. said i can do it myself.
Things goes well then bad then good… ups…down. I wouldn’t go to school much.. I don like.. or most of the time i developed some illness.. that was obvious… all these years the developed mental stress has to come out some way n it chose to be diseases so be it.
Most of the time no matter what the illness was i receive the same drug. “ocd drugs, GAD, antidepressants… damn heavy drugs. but never been to psychologist. my dad says going to psychologist is useless.. its all bullshit .so there i never had proper treatment.
time passed and most of the time i would feel exactly to the same point again as if life is a circle.. sometimes i was day sometimes night… when my board exams came.. i was damn happy. damn happy…! then we shifted to our own house.. Results came.. it wasn’t good but still i was happy.. happy to realize that i stepped outta my past.. i was happy… that finally the year (damn long year) was over.. but after that i was like what the hell am i supoosed to do now.. ? no more target ? earlier it was to pass 12th anyhow.. my parents still tell me that this girl can’t do anything even passing 12th was such a big rock to her !. same was to me.. i thought i have no future.. nor my parents ever talked to me bout my future. All i would do was watch anime.. my brain it seemed was way too much confused and nobody could do anything.. parents were frustrated by this behaviors of mine… but i dunno what state i was in that time.. after 1-2 months i again attempted suicide. this time it was some imp festival of ours..
after that, they don’t trust me much.. they act cool in front of me.. but i know they don’t like me much now because of my past actions.
it was entirely anime and books that helped me survive.. it taught me life lessons.. i could never forget… some serious life lessons..
I learnt that sometimes you have to let go of some of your dreams in order to make room for new ones. that book “the compass” was like some kinda angel to me… it was exactly that thing which i wanted in that particular time even the book says there are no accidents everything happens for a reason. that book was a  therapy to me.
I had searched bout life after suicide.. n i realized that suicide is not an option.. anything but not suicide.
I know my parents don’t love me but they don’t hate me either or maybe they do hate me.. but that’s not a reason why i should abandon them.. they have been with me this long.. I can not commit such a sin.. I see many lover craving for love of another even if that person hates you.
same matter is mine with my family. even if they hate me i can’t hate them back.. i love my family… thats the least i can do after all these ugly crimes.
And as for the present idk if i will ever be successful again in my life but one thing is sure i won’t ever commit suicide.. i do get suicidal at times.. but the same thought immediately tell me not to…
recently in some hospital i saw an emergency case of a girl 1-2 years older than me being dragged to the room.. her entire family was there. docs were asking what medicine did she take? they said we don’t know she was on station and she fell unconscious all of sudden n didn’t wake up… other members of her family were calling diff peeps asking what medicine? what medicine? her mother wasn’t crying telling others that i have faith in my child nothing can go wrong with her.. few were crying.. that scene seriously triggered me. so this is what happened when i committed suicide back then ?
i vowed to myself then n there that i won’t ever think of suicide. It was the anime naruto that instilled a purpose of living in me.. and now i can never stray away from the ideal. never. ever.
i’m not happy.. i do get depressed.. i even hallucinate now; i read something n its written something else.. at time i might hear voices.. i know i need treatment but i think its oky..  right now i’m perfectly fine n dandy. docs call it walking depression but then who in the world is not depressed ? mental illness indeed is a issue.. but cases like us ain’t that worse ! yes ! we just cant rely on therapists.. because that won’t be enough. you have to be your own therapist… it a stage.. mandatory one. n after passing this stage you will definitely shine like a crescent on the sky.  just hold on it a bit longer.. it is tough.. much more than you could imagine but giving up has never been an option n it shouldn’t be an option. whenever i think of giving up too i recall that scene.. n recall the anime too.. it provides me motivation n gives me strength..
even if you attempt  suicide then have guts to survive it… not like a coward who commits suicide and ends life forever.. that really is cowardice. you see this is exactly like a war..  a war in your head where the options are either to forge on or to simply kill the soldier.  the thing that you are in this war is itself a proof of bravery so you can’t be coward now.. right ?
to put an end to the on going war it to end the war by killing the enemies ofcourse ! not your own soldiers !
life is worth living i would say, give it a try atleast

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